Stay Hidden
by pluscuamperfecto
Summary: A traumatic event forces Erin to make a choice: face her past or hide from it.
1. Chapter 1

Hi everyone! It's been a while, but I had some ideas that I wanted to explore here. The subject matter includes sexual assault and child abuse and may not be for everyone - please keep that in mind before reading! If rape/recovery is not your thing, I suggest skipping this one!

This will be multiple chapters, but I can't promise it will be updated with any sort of regularity - but I thought I'd try to put it out there! Hope you enjoy!

-o-o-

It's been a quiet morning, and Jay is grateful. The past two weeks have been relentless - case after case after case, and he's feeling the fatigue. His back and neck are aching, his temples pulsing with a low grade headache that won't seem to go away.

He glances at the clock on his computer - not even 1:00. He sighs, clicking over to - the White Sox have a 1:05 start, and he'd give anything to be there instead of here. His eyes dart over to Erin. She's hunched over her desk, studiously hand-writing a report, and he can't help but grin at her work ethic.

He clicks out of the pregame report and back into the CI update he's supposed to be typing up, hoping that the rest of the day will be this quiet. All he wants is to clock out at 5:00 for once. He's envisioning eating Thai takeout in bed, Erin curled up beside him.

Maybe they'll even skip the Thai food.

He'd spotted a bag from Victoria's Secret on the top shelf of the closet earlier that week, right before they'd been called in on yet another overdose. He desperately wants to know what's in it.

That's what he's thinking about - sex - when Voight slams the phone down and emerges from his office, stopping warily in the doorway. They're the only two in the bullpen - the rest of the team has gone to pick up lunch - and Jay watches as Voight glances at Erin, then turns to look at him. His expression is grave, and Jay's heart sinks. _Shit._

"Got a call from Med," Voight says, his voice gravelly and uncertain. "Looks like we've got a missing kid. Five-years-old."

Erin is already out of her chair and pulling on her coat, the news of a missing child enough to spur her into action. "What happened?" she asks, packing up her files and holstering her gun.

Voight glances at Jay again, his face indecipherable. It makes his heart beat just a tick faster.

"The mother and her boyfriend OD'd," Voight says evenly. "Little girl called 911 from a cell, but she was gone when the ambo got there."

Erin freezes. Her face drains of all color.

"Okay," she says, and turns on her heel. She's down the stairs before Voight or Jay can say another word.

Voight gives Jay a look so full of meaning it makes Jay shudder. He nods, then jogs down the stairs after his partner.

-o-o-

"Andy?" Melanie Carrens moans, shifting uncomfortably in the hospital bed. Her eyes are barely open, but Erin isn't waiting another second. "Andy, where's-where's Andy? Andy?"

"He's dead," Erin bites, arms crossed, her entire body radiating fury.

Jay watches the exchange, hovering just behind her, close enough to reel her in if he needs to.

She hadn't said a word to him in the car. Her face had been so far away and fragile and carefully composed that he hadn't even tried to get through to her, afraid of shattering her control. He'd sat in silence, watching out of the corner of his eye as she darted in and out of traffic and made it to Med in record time.

"Oh, no, oh, Andy," Melanie sobs. She's dirty and thin and _sick_ , and despite the situation, Jay can't help feeling for her just the tiniest bit.

"Yeah," Erin says, moving closer to Melanie, a predator circling her prey. "Yeah, you and your boyfriend OD'd on the kitchen floor while your five-year-old daughter watched. She called 911, saved your life, and now she's gone."

"Andy," the woman moans. Tears streak down her cheeks, and she curls into a ball, keening.

Erin attacks, grabbing Melanie's hands roughly and pulling them away from her face.

"Maddie is missing," she spits, clutching Melanie's fingers with an iron grip. Jay steps a little closer, ready to intervene. "Your daughter saved your worthless life, and now she's missing."

"You're hurting me!" Melanie cries out, trying to fight Erin off.

"Your daughter is missing!" Erin repeats, volume elevating. "And you don't even care! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Get off me!"

For a second, Jay worries that Erin might actually strangle Melanie. "Okay," he says, carefully pulling Erin back. He squeezes her arm, hoping to provide some sort of comfort. "Okay. Melanie, Maddie called 911, but when the paramedics got there, she wasn't in the apartment. Do you know where she might have gone?"

"No," Melanie says, curling into a ball again. "I don't know, I don't know. Are you sure Andy's dead?"

Jay tightens his grip on Erin's biceps before she can lunge forward again. She's strong, but he's got a good fifty pounds on her - and he uses all of it to hold her back.

"He's dead," Jay assures Melanie. "I'm sorry, but we really need to focus on Maddie now. Is there anyone who might have come to get her? Or anyone she could have gone to? Her father, or an aunt or uncle, or grandparent maybe?"

"I don't know," Melanie sobs. "I don't know where she'd go. Oh, God, Andy."

Erin rips her arm out of Jay's grasp and stalks out of the room.

-o-o-

He finds her in the parking lot, a few feet away from their car. She's hunched over, her breathing harsh and unsteady. But she doesn't seem to be injured, and nothing around her is broken, so he doesn't say anything. He leans against the hood of the 300, giving her a minute.

"You okay?" he says finally, when she stands up and turns away from him.

"Fine," she snaps, in a tone that tells him she is anything but. "Let's get over to her school. Maybe someone there knows something."

"Erin," he says softly. Her face is so hard, so brittle, and he just wants to give her a hug, to make her feel better for a millisecond, _anything_.

But she shakes him off. "We're wasting time," she says. She climbs into the driver's seat without another word.

-o-o-

The entire squad watches anxiously as Erin paces back and forth, back and forth, wearing a trough in the floor of the bullpen. They've been searching all day, and there's no sign of Maddie. They've checked her school, and the neighbors, and surrounding bodegas and restaurants and drugstores, but no one has seen her.

And the agony in Erin's eyes has become more than Jay can handle.

"I've got something!" Mouse cries, and Erin is at his desk in a heartbeat, the rest of the team close behind. "Most of the security cams in that neighborhood are down, but I got a working traffic cam half a block away."

He fast-forwards through some footage, until they get to the time of the 911 call. Less than two minutes after the call had disconnected, a tall white man in a black baseball cap walks down the street. In his arms is a little girl, kicking and pushing at him.

Erin gasps.

"Dammit," Antonio mutters, clenching his fists. He's been upset all day too - this case is taking a toll on all of them.

"Can we see where he takes her?" Voight asks through clenched teeth.

Mouse pounds at his keyboard, pulling up more traffic cam footage, but there's no sign of the two again.

"Send that screengrab to me," Ruzek says, hustling back to his computer. "I'll run it through facial recognition."

Erin takes a step away from the group and leans against the wall, closing her eyes tightly. Jay slides back beside her, leans close enough to whisper in her ear. "We're gonna find her."

Erin takes a shaky breath, her eyes avoiding his. "You don't know that," she says hoarsely.

"She has you fighting for her," he murmurs. He turns his body towards her, shielding her from the others. "You have to believe it will be okay."

She leans just slightly into him. He glances over his shoulder. Only Voight is looking at them, the rest of the team intently focused on Ruzek's computer. He turns back to Erin and pulls her into his arms, just for a second. She needs this.

-o-o-

At 4:00 in the morning, the team is still working. Everyone has been on the phone pretty much continuously since facial recognition failed to spit out a match. Jay has spoken with every CI he has. He and Erin have gone out three times and talked to different informants - one thought he recognized the guy in the traffic cam photo, another swore she'd seen the little girl, but no one has been able to locate her.

They've gotten nowhere, and Maddie has been missing for almost 18 hours.

"Everyone go home," Voight finally announces, and Jay almost collapses with relief. He's on his sixth cup of coffee, and his eyes have started to blur. "Patrol will keep going through the tipline and let me know if they have anything."

No one protests. The team quietly files out, except for Erin, who gives no indication of having heard the order.

"Get her out of here," Voight says quietly to Jay. "Make sure she sleeps."

Jay nods. Easier said than done.

"You should go," Erin says, when he approaches her quietly. "I'm too wired to sleep. I'm gonna keep going through traffic cams."

"Come on," Jay says, ignoring that. "Voight's orders."

"I'm good here."

"Erin," Jay sighs. He knows he's treating her like a stubborn second-grader, but he's not sure what else to do. "Please, don't do this."

For a second he thinks she might fight him, but she deflates, her shoulders collapsing inward. "Jay, she's all alone out there," she whispers.

His heart breaks, but he stands his ground. "I know," he says, crowding closer into her space. "But there's a whole team of officers downstairs combing through tips, and you're no good to her if you're exhausted."

Erin glances down at the photo of Maddie on her desk, the photo that's plastered all over the squad room and all over the local news. The little girl isn't smiling - she looks sad and haunted, and much too old for her five years.

Jay has never seen a childhood photo of Erin, but he can't help but wonder if she looked the same. If she was a tiny, way-too-skinny kid with too much responsibility and too many worries and no one to take care of her. It makes him ache.

"I just," she starts. "This girl-"

"I know," he says, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He guides her out of her chair and toward the steps. "We're gonna figure it out."

-o-o-

Erin falls asleep right away - Jay makes sure of it. But it feels like only minutes later when she wakes up _screaming_ , her limbs flailing, her fist catching him in the stomach.

"What?" he gasps, fumbling in the darkness. "Erin?"

"Sorry," she chokes, tears glistening on her cheeks. "I'm sorry."

She's out of the bed before he can stop her.

When he finally recovers his bearings and follows her out of the bedroom, she's at the kitchen island pouring a shot of vodka with shaking hands. She downs it before he can process the scene. Fear floods his stomach, his throat. "Erin," he says desperately.

She puts down the bottle, sets the glass in the sink. "Sorry," she says, her voice steadier, and that scares him more. "I'm fine. I just - bad dream."

"Please," he whispers, rubbing his thumb against her cheek. She's stiff, but she doesn't pull away. "Talk to me. Let me be there for you."

Erin leans into him, and he wraps his arms around her. She's quiet for a moment, resting her forehead against his bare chest. "Bunny OD'd seven times," she finally says into his t-shirt. "The first time...I was six. I don't remember much, just...finding her on the bathroom floor with a needle in her arm, and not being able to wake her up. I called 911, and they saved her, but then I ended up in a group home for two months."

She pulls away from him, wraps her own arms around herself. "That's when I learned not to call anyone," she says, and he can see that scared little girl in her face.

Jay doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to comfort her, how to make her feel better and be there for her, how to suppress the anger and horror that bubbles up in him every time she offers one of these tiny confessions.

She shuts down before he can figure it out, the wall coming down in front of her eyes so clearly it makes him shiver.

"It's in the past," she says, and he thinks she might be trying to convince herself of that. "Let's go back to bed. We should get back to the district in a couple hours."

He trails her back to the bedroom. He can't help but feel like the worst is yet to come.

-o-o-

He's not wrong.

Jay follows Erin into the bullpen just a few hours later, his whole body tingling with awareness and anxiety. Or maybe exhaustion - he managed maybe three hours of sleep last night. He's certain Erin got even less.

Voight and Antonio are already at the whiteboard, organizing the information that had come in through the tipline in their absence. Voight nods at them, his eyes lingering on Erin - she's got her game face on, tough and determined, but it can't hide the weariness and trauma.

"What've you got?" Erin says, her voice hoarser than normal.

Antonio and Voight exchange glances. Jay swallows a wave of nausea - something's going on, and whatever it is, he just knows it's going to make this already horrible situation worse.

Antonio starts walking them through the latest developments. Jay can barely focus on what he's saying, on the case - on his job. He's too fixated on the pain in Erin's eyes, on the way her hands are shaking, on the rigid way she's holding herself up.

He startles when Voight's voice murmurs in his ear, "My office."

-o-o-

He closes the door behind him, casting one last worried look into the bullpen. Erin and Antonio are still at the whiteboard - she doesn't even seem to notice that he's left.

When he turns back to Voight, his boss looks grim. "How's she doing?" he asks.

Jay considers the question, considers the circumstances. Erin's still barely speaking to Voight. He hasn't pushed on why, hasn't even brought it up. But he's seen it - the way she avoids him at the district, the way she's stopped spending time with him outside of it.

And so it feels like a betrayal to hide in this office, talking about Erin behind her back. But he's so worried about her, so frightened of what he saw in her eyes in Melanie Carren's hospital room, of the way she downed that vodka at 5:00 in the morning, that he relents. Voight knows Erin better than anyone - and he knows that Voight would also die to protect her.

"I don't think she slept much," he says quietly. "She woke up screaming pretty quickly." He swallows hard. "She, uh - she told me about Bunny OD'ing on the bathroom floor when she was six."

He doesn't mention the vodka, doesn't mention that it was alcohol that calmed her down, not him.

Voight nods slowly, thoughtfully. "Look," he says, then stops, collects his thoughts. "She's, uh, she's still angry at me," he says finally. "And I deserve it, I know that. But...she's all I've got left."

"I know," Jay says, when he doesn't continue. "She's - she loves you," he says. "She'll get over it."

Even though he isn't sure she will. But he knows that Erin cares too much about Voight to cut him out forever.

"That's not…" Voight sighs, shaking his head. "Look, I just wanted to make sure that you keep me in the loop, all right? Because regardless of what's happened, she's…"

He can't seem to continue, but Jay understands anyway. He nods. "She'll be okay," he says, although he isn't totally sure. "I've got her back. Always. I promise you that."

Voight nods. "We got some intel a couple hours ago," he says reluctantly. He looks out his window towards the bullpen, and Jay follows his gaze. Erin is talking heatedly with Antonio, waving a file in her hand.

 _Shit_.

"What?" Jay says, his voice full of a dread he can't seem to control.

"Photos of Maddie were posted on a child trafficking site," Voight says, and Jay turns back towards Erin, nausea flooding his throat. "Some explicit photos. It looks like-"

"What?" Jay demands, when Voight doesn't continue. "Looks like what?"

"It looks like whoever snatched her is trying to sell her," Voight finally finishes.

Jay can literally feel the color drain out of his face.

-o-o-

Erin's hanging up the phone as he stumbles out to her desk, her face set with a frightening kind of determination. "Okay, I talked to Sergeant Benson, and she's got her contact at NICMIC searching for patterns. It's like a weird series of internet blackholes, but she thinks we should be able to locate the bidding site."

Jay nods, a little disturbed by the look in her eyes. He glances at Antonio, who's hovering over her, but his teammate looks just as single-minded.

He's not totally sure what she's talking about, but he forces himself to focus. "So, what's the plan once we locate the site?" Jay asks.

Erin and Antonio exchange glances, and it makes Jay nervous. "We send in a buyer," Antonio says.

"A buyer," Jay repeats dumbly.

"I'm gonna go in," Erin says, not even looking at him. "We'll make a bid - say I'm a kiddy porn producer looking for kids."

Jay lets this sink in slowly. "Why would they buy that?" he asks.

"Mouse is setting up a history right now," she says. "Fake sites, arrest record, everything."

"For you," Jay says dumbly.

"Yes, for me," Erin says, like he's an idiot.

He doesn't like it. Not at all. It makes complete sense, but something about it is sitting wrong in his stomach.

"Why don't we do it together?" he says.

Erin looks to Antonio and he shrugs. "Can't hurt," he says. "You sure about this?"

Jay doesn't understand the question. Sure about having his partner's back? Damn right he is.

"Yeah," he says. Antonio nods, then heads over to Mouse, busily working at his desk.

"How you feeling?" he asks quietly, once they're alone.

Erin glances up at him. Her eyes are bloodshot, with thick dark circles under them. But they're also alive with hope and progress and possibility, and he's not sure if that makes him feel better or worse.

"I'm good," she says, giving him a tiny smile before turning back to her computer. When he doesn't move, she turns back to him. "I promise," she says. "It's all gonna be fine."

She pats his hand, rubbing her thumb tenderly against the knuckle.

"It's gonna be fine," she says again.

-o-o-

Jay watches from his desk as Erin paces back and forth, up and down and up and down and up and down the bullpen. Every time she passes Mouse's computer, she steals a glance at it.

"Siddown, Lindsay," Antonio finally grumbles.

She ignores him. "What if they don't accept it?" she worries.

"Then we up the bid," Antonio tells her.

"What if they see through that?" she continues, heading for the board, eyes scanning the information laid out there. "What if they make that we're cops and shut the whole thing down and then we lose any trace of her?"

"Erin…" Olinsky sighs.

"We don't have a back-up plan," she points out. "And if they go with another buyer, then Maddie gets farther away and it gets harder to trace her. We need-"

"They replied!" Mouse shouts, and the entire team runs to his desk.

Jay hovers over Mouse's shoulder, but Ruzek reads the message out loud.

"10:00 AM at Nikita's on Cormack. Cash in a suitcase, new twenties. The chick comes alone."

The last sentence makes Jay's blood run cold. "No," he says, looking around among his colleagues for agreement. "No way. She's not going in alone."

But Erin is looking at Voight, and he's nodding. "I'll call the ivory tower, get the cash," he says.

"This is crazy!" Jay protests. "Why would they want her alone?!"

"Jay," Erin says gently. "It'll be fine."

"Come on, Sarge," Jay says, ignoring her. It feels terrible, steamrolling her like this, but he'll do anything to keep her safe, and something about the whole situation has his hair standing on end. "We bid as partners, and now they're asking for just her? You don't see anything weird about that?"

"I do," Voight says. "But it could just be a way to control the situation. We'll have her on comms, and we'll all be right outside."

He glances at Erin. Her face is a mixture of anger and compassion, and it twists his insides. He turns and strides toward the locker room.

-o-o-

Jay takes way longer than necessary to close the apartment door behind him. He can feel her watching him, but he can't seem to turn around and face her.

"Jay," she says finally, her voice low and soothing and sad. "Jay, come on."

He takes a shaky breath, makes himself turn around. She's standing just inches away, her eyes searching his. Her cold palm slides up to press against his cheek, and he lets his eyes slide shut.

"This is what we do," she says quietly, and he knows she's right. "I need to do this."

"I know," he says, reaching to pull her into his arms. "I'm just worried."

She cuddles into his chest. "You don't need to be," she promises. "It's just an ordinary operation. That's it. I need you to trust me."

His grip tightens, just a little bit. He trusts Erin implicitly, but something about the plan doesn't feel ordinary. They're sending Erin into what feels like a lion's den, without back-up, and he can't seem to shake the nauseous feeling he's had since they caught the case.

The horrible, foreboding certainty that something bad is going to happen.

"I trust you," he murmurs, kissing her hair. "Of course I trust you."

"Jay," she says, voice small. "Look, I know…"

She pulls away just a little bit, her fingers dancing on his chest. "This case has been hard," she says finally, avoiding his eyes. "I know - I know I haven't really talked to you about that, and...I'm trying. I am. But...she reminds me of me."

He knows. And that's what scares him the most.

"I just need you to be careful," he pleads. "Just - I know how this feels, and I know you want to help this little girl. But please just promise me that you'll be careful. That you won't..."

She nods. Offers him a small smile. "I will," she says. She leans up to touch her lips to his. "You know I love you, right?"

He threads his fingers through her hair so she can't pull away. "You know I love you too?"

-o-o-

Jay can't seem to stop his leg from bouncing up and down. He knows it's driving Antonio and Ruzek crazy, but it's as if the limb has a life of its own.

"She's inside." Olinsky's words echo through his comms link, and Jay takes a deep breath.

"You Carver?" her gravelly voice fills his ear. He can't hear a response, but she continues. "Alexa DeBruin."

There's a long moment of anxious silence before he hears a smooth, low whistle.

Jay curls his fingers into a fist. "Settle," Ruzek murmurs.

For some reason, Jay can't. He's been in this position countless times - listening from a van just a few feet away as his partner works her undercover magic. She's fine, he knows. She's the most competent cop he's ever worked with, and he has one hundred percent confidence in her ability to handle herself, to handle this situation.

But his palms are sweating, and his heart is pounding, and he can't stop fidgeting in his seat. "She's a cutie," Erin is saying in his ear, and his stomach tightens. "She take direction well?"

"Nah," he hears, the voice not nearly distant enough. He wonders how close this guy is standing to Erin. "She's a fighter that one. But don't worry, we've been workin' on her."

Jay's stomach turns. Antonio lets out a harsh breath.

"I like to break 'em myself," Erin tells him, and he knows how much it must have cost her to say that.

"Ball-buster, huh?" The voice has gotten closer and clearer. "I like that."

Jay digs his nails into his palm. He can feel the guys sending anxious looks his way. He ignores them. Focuses.

"I don't mix business and pleasure," Erin says, and he can practically feel her gritting her teeth.

"You okay?" Mouse murmurs from beside him.

Jay dismisses him with a quick headshake. He can't focus anywhere else right now.

"I only mix business with pleasure," their target says, and he can hear the leer in the guy's voice. It's right in Erin's comm link, and he knows - _knows_ \- this guy is touching her.

"Get your hands off of me," she says calmly, and Jay sits up straighter, ready to spring into action.

"You want the kid or not?" the asshole's voice says. Over the radio, he can hear Erin gasp.

Jay springs to his feet, his hand automatically going to his gun. He looks to Voight, who shakes his head angrily, but holds up a hand at Jay. "Not yet," his boss says. "Give her a minute."

"I'm here to make a deal," Erin says coldly. "I got the cash, but I'll take it and go somewhere they respect me."

"You want to make a deal with me, you play by my rules," the voice says, and it's suddenly much harsher.

"What do you want?" her voice drifts in again, and Jay can hear the fear. "Let go of me!"

She no longer sounds like she's playing a character, and Jay's heart leaps into his throat. He's on the edge of his seat, ready to bolt out of the van.

"No!" she screams. She still hasn't given the distress signal, but Jay's had enough.

"Come on!" he growls.

"What the fuck is this?" their target's voice says angrily, and the whole van freezes.

"You want the suitcase?" she cries, and there it is. Before Jay can react, the comm link goes dead.

-o-o-

The team bursts into the club within seconds, but they're already too late.

The main room is empty - only a lone bartender taking inventory. He looks up in alarm when seven heavily armed cops come flying through the front door, and automatically raises his hands.

"Where are they?" Jay barks at him, his gun hovering dangerously close to the man's face.

"Wh-who?" the guy stammers, backing up into the shelves of liquor on the wall. A bottle of Scotch drops from high up, shatters on the wooden floor.

"This woman," Olinsky says calmly, holding out his phone. "She was just in here meeting with a few men."

"They - they were in the back, they went to the back room!" the bartender says, panicked, but Atwater and Ruzek are already returning from their sweep of the club. Alone.

"All clear," Ruzek shouts. "There's no one back there."

"Who were those guys?" Voight demands.

"I don't know," their witness promises. He lets out a high-pitched squeal when Voight presses his gun to his temple.

"Who were those guys?" Voight repeats, calmly and evenly. "I'm not gonna ask you again."

"Okay!" the bartender says. Begs. "They work out of the back room sometimes. I don't know what they do, I swear! They pay me some cash, and they have - meetings or something. I don't know!"

"What are their names?" Voight growls.

"I don't know. I swear! I swear! Please! I don't know!"

Voight stares the kid down for several long seconds before lowering his gun. The kid nearly collapses to the floor with relief.

Jay lowers his own weapon, terror setting in. The club is clear. _She's not here_.

So where is she?

-o-o-

Jay and Voight hover over the still-terrified bartender as he rewinds the security footage from the camera behind the bar. The kid is babbling away, trying to explain what he'd done and what he knows (which is nothing), but Jay's not listening.

They couldn't have killed her. Otherwise they'd have found her body in that creepy back room. So she has to be alive.

She has to be.

'Here!" the stupid kid says. "I got it! Here!"

Jay shoves him out of the way. The grainy black and white footage on the computer shows the back door swinging open, and a big tough guy - Latino or white, maybe, it's hard to tell - pushing his way out. He holds it open for a tall white guy in a baseball cap - who could be the perp who snatched Maddie. Carver.

Carver's followed by another big, hulking bodyguard. This one's got Erin draped upside down over his shoulder.

Jay gasps. She's not moving, her arms dangling limply. He can't see much - can't tell if she's injured or conscious - but he's seen enough.

The group clears the security camera's frame, and that's it. Jay stares at the computer for several minutes, but nothing else happens.

Voight's hand grips his shoulder, in comfort, anger, determination - it's hard to tell. "Let's get back," his boss says roughly.

Shaking, Jay follows him out into the sunlight.

-o-o-


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews! As you may have imagined, this is a rough chapter - so definite trigger warning on this one! Despite that, I hope you enjoy!

-o-o-

Erin startles awake when a sharp pain ricochets through her head, and then her chest, and then her arm. It happens in slow motion, like a strange agonizing cascade, and when she manages to get her eyes open, she realizes she's in a graceless heap at the bottom of an unfamiliar concrete staircase.

Moaning, she rolls over, trying to orient herself. Her head is pounding, a spot at the back throbbing with each rapid beat of her heart. She struggles to get an arm out from under herself and reaches for the pain, immediately pulling away when touching makes it worse.

Her eyes are fuzzy, and she blinks slowly as she tries to figure out where she is, to piece together how she got here. She forces herself to take a deep breath, then instantly regrets it, as the intake of air sends a wave of agony through her torso.

"Okay," she whispers aloud, her voice rough and cracking. "Okay."

She forces herself to lie still, to breathe slowly and carefully, to allow her eyes to focus. It takes a few minutes, but they finally do.

She's in a basement, she realizes. Her head is killing her, and several ribs are clearly broken, and it's very possible that her wrist is as well, but she doesn't think anything is seriously wrong.

She still can't remember what happened, and that makes her panic a little, but she swallows it. "Jay?" she whispers, hoping that he's with her and praying that he isn't.

There's no answer.

The damp, chilly room is lit by a single bare bulb. She turns her head just slightly, just to get away from the glaring light.

And suddenly her eyes catch on a little girl, huddled in the corner.

And she knows exactly why she's here.

-o-o-

She can't suppress a whimper as she rolls onto her stomach, agony rippling through her ribcage, and pushes herself onto her hands and knees.

"Hey, Maddie," she croaks, her voice hoarse and painful. She crawls toward the little girl - one knee then the other, one knee then the other.

This is why she's here. And she can do this.

She collapses against the wall, struggling to catch her breath. Maddie cowers away from her. The girl has a small bruise on her cheek, but she looks otherwise unharmed.

"My name is Erin," she says, when she's finally recovered enough to talk. "Are you hurt, sweetie?"

Maddie doesn't respond, her eyes wary and untrusting, and Erin understands. She sits up a little straighter, even though it sends a lightning bolt through her chest, and pushes her hair out of her face. She has to suppress a gasp - that wrist is definitely broken.

"Maddie, I'm here to help you, okay?" she murmurs. "I'm so happy to see you - I've been looking all over for you."

And she really is - happy. The sight of this child, whole and alive and unhurt, is the one bright spot in the current catastrophe that is her life.

"Who are you?" Maddie says defiantly, her voice full of too much bravado for a girl her size.

"I'm a cop," Erin says, wishing she sounded just a little more authoritative. "I'm here to help you."

Maddie's eyes are still wary, but she relaxes just a tiny bit. "How are you gonna help me?" she asks defiantly.

Erin leans her head back against the cold concrete wall. It's an excellent question.

-o-o-

"Maddie, do you remember what happened?" Erin asks.

Maddie is still sitting a safe distance away, staring at her as if watching for sudden moves. Erin knows she must not seem like a particularly desirable savior right now - battered and bruised, and slumped against the wall. She doesn't blame the little girl for not trusting her.

When there's no answer, Erin tries again. "You know, I talked to your mom," she says. "She's really worried about you."

It's a lie, but Erin hopes it might make her feel a little better.

"No she isn't," Maddie says.

A wave of nausea suddenly floods Erin's throat, and she can't help turning and vomiting on the floor.

 _Shit_.

Her eyes burn, and she tries not to cry as she fights for breath, as she swallows down the remaining bile. She's supposed to be the grown-up here. She's supposed to be a cop.

Minutes pass, or maybe it's hours. It's hard to tell. Erin finds herself drifting for a while - it's hard to keep her eyes open, and it feels so much better to just let herself _go_.

She doesn't want to be the grown-up anymore. She wishes Jay were here. Or Voight. Maybe Voight would be better in this situation - she's not sure she wants Jay to see her like this.

She jerks awake at the sound of a small voice. "My mom got sick."

"What?" Erin manages, reorienting herself yet again. The little girl is leaning against the wall beside her, watching her. "Oh. Yeah. I saw her. She's okay, Maddie. She's gonna be fine. You did really good calling the ambulance for her."

"She gets sick a lot," Maddie says.

Erin's eyes fill with tears - from the pain or because of this poor girl, she isn't sure. "My mom used to get sick a lot too," Erin confesses. "Just like yours."

Maddie seems to lean just a little bit closer.

"You know it's not your fault, right?" Erin says gently. "Your mom - it's not because of you."

Maddie shrugs, her eyes never straying from Erin's.

Erin thinks about when she was Maddie's age, when she'd first found her mother unconscious on the kitchen floor. She thinks about the terror that consumed her.

"Maddie, I know this is all really scary," Erin tries. "When I was your age - my mom took drugs too. Just like yours."

"She did?" Maddie says uncertainly.

"Yeah," Erin says. "I know how scary it is when she gets sick."

"Yeah," Maddie says quietly. She crawls a little closer, sits beside Erin.

"It's going to be all right, Maddie. I promise."

Maddie doesn't say anything. But Erin thinks that maybe she understood.

-o-o-

"Did the man hurt you?" Erin asks finally. "The man who took you?"

Maddie shakes her head. "He took some pictures and he told me to be very quiet."

Erin considers this. "Did you know the man?" she asks, and Maddie shakes her head again.

"He was in the hallway."

It's bothering her - the fact that Maddie called 911, and two minutes later a strange man snatched her from her apartment. It seems like too much of a coincidence.

There's nothing she can do about it now, but she hopes Jay has thought of it. Hopes her team is looking into who this man could be, and how he could connect to Maddie - or her good-for-nothing mother.

"Has the man been down here at all?" she presses gently. "Did he bring you food, or water, or anything?"

"He came this morning," Maddie says, indicating a McDonald's wrapper and a half-empty water bottle in the corner.

"And were there other men?" she asks. Maddie shakes her head.

This bit of intel makes Erin feel a tiny bit better. Maybe they have a chance.

-o-o-

If she's going to keep her promise, she has to get them out of here, before whoever took them comes back. Erin wishes she could remember exactly what happened - wishes she knew how many of them there were, or how they got her here, or what they know about her. But her head is throbbing, and most of the day is pretty fuzzy. She's not even sure if it's the same day.

She surveys the room. There has to be a way out of here. She finds the stairs, but if that's how she got in here, it's probably not the best way out. She's not sure where their kidnappers are, not sure if they're coming back.

Besides, she's also not sure she could climb those stairs right now.

There's a window, high above her head. There's no light coming in, but Erin stares at it, trying to figure it out. Even if it's below a patio, it must lead outside the house.

Groaning, she pulls herself up the wall, struggling to a standing position. "Where are you going?" Maddie says, alarmed.

Erin stands for a long moment, waiting for the world to stop spinning. "I'm gonna find us a way out of here," she says, ruffling Maddie's tangled hair. "You wanna help me?"

Maddie nods shyly and scrambles to her feet, and Erin turns to examine the window, Maddie's hand clutched in hers.

It's too high for her to reach, but if she could find something to stand on, she might be able to get close enough to open it. "Sweetie, do you see a chair anywhere in here?" Erin asks. "Or a box, or something we could climb on?"

The basement is littered with crushed cardboard boxes and extension cords and discarded fast food wrappers, and is mostly shrouded in darkness. Erin scans the room, unable to tell what's hiding in the shadows.

"Over there!" Maddie cries, pointing.

And sure enough, there in the corner is a rickety folding chair. Erin breathes a sigh of relief.

"Can you go get it for me?" she asks, and Maddie scampers across the room, quickly returning with her prize. "Good girl," Erin whispers, kissing her head.

She unfolds the chair just below the window, and shakily climbs onto it. She feels a tiny moment of triumph when she realizes that she can reach the latch.

The triumph fades when she tries to turn it and finds it locked.

"All right," she says, more to herself than Maddie. "Okay, we can do this. Maddie, can you look around this room and find me a stick? Or...like a safety pin maybe, or a knife?"

"Something to pick a lock?" Maddie says, and Erin looks down at her, grief tightening her heart.

She knew how to pick locks when she was five too. But she's pretty sure you're not supposed to.

"Yeah, sweetie. Something to pick a lock."

Maddie scampers off, and Erin struggles to climb down from the chair. She's feeling lightheaded and nauseous, and it's becoming harder to stay upright.

She'll just sit for a minute, she thinks, letting herself slide down to the floor. Just a minute.

"Erin!" Maddie cries, running to her side.

"It's okay, baby," Erin says, leaning her head back against the wall. She just needs to rest for a minute. Just a minute.

Maddie curls into her, and even though her head against Erin's cracked rib is an agony like Erin's never experienced before, she wraps her arm around the tiny girl and lets the warmth of her little body comfort her.

-o-o-

She's thinking about Jay when the door to the basement bursts open. Two failed attempts at picking the lock have drained her energy, and right now it's a fight to stay conscious.

So she lets herself daydream about the way he strokes her hair when she has a headache. The way his fingers find the small of her back when they're out with their friends, just so she knows he's there, that he's hers, that he wants her. She thinks of the way his voice rumbles in her ear when they're cuddled in bed in the darkness.

She thinks of the way he hugged her when they saw the video of Maddie's abduction. Thinks of the way it steadied her.

He must be going out of his mind right now, she realizes, and the thought of that hurts her almost as much as the broken rib.

At least she's told him that she loves him, she reminds herself, as heavy boots bang down the stairs. At least she's sure he knows.

"Isn't this cute?" a vaguely familiar voice says. Her eyes are spotting, and it's hard to see who it is in the dim light, but she shoves Maddie behind her.

"What do you want?" she demands, her voice stronger than she feels. He squats down in front of her, fingers roughly caressing her cheek. She jerks her head away, and he laughs.

The guy from the bar. The guy she'd tried to buy Maddie from.

He shoves her out of the way, but she fights to stay upright, to keep him away from Maddie.

"Leave her alone!" she orders, pushing the little girl further into the corner.

"Come here, sweetie," the guy croons, sickly sweet and terrifying. Maddie buries her face in Erin's shoulder.

"Back off," she growls. "You want something, you've got me."

The guy - she wishes she could remember his name, could remember any of the research they'd done on him - cackles and backhands her across the face. She grunts as pain explodes through her head, but stands her ground.

"Listen, Detective - you are a detective, right? That's where the wire came from. Vice? Special victims?"

Erin doesn't answer, but he doesn't seem to care.

"You've already fucked up my plans once today. Now back off before I make you regret it."

"You've got me," Erin says again. "You don't need her. Let her go."

"Lady, you won't bring in nearly as much money as this one," he says, reaching for Maddie again. Erin tightens her grip on the little girl.

Suddenly, a boot connects with her stomach, and she can't help collapsing to the ground, moaning in pain.

It gives him the opportunity to grab Maddie, and before Erin can react, he's pulling the child away.

"Erin!" she screams, fighting him off.

Erin scrambles to her feet. "Don't!" she shouts, panic coursing through her. "Don't touch her!"

He shoves her out of the way. "Relax, I just need to take some pictures. I'm not into kids."

"Don't touch her!" Erin screams again, feeling increasingly out of control. "You want money, you call my squad! You call Hank Voight. He'll pay you whatever you ask."

He laughs derisively. "Don't worry, I've got other plans for you."

He grabs Maddie around the waist and drags her towards the stairs. She kicks and screams, and Erin loses it. "Let go of her!" She shoves their kidnapper with as much strength as she has left, and he stumbles. Hard. "You wanna mess around with someone, you've got me! Use me!"

He drops Maddie and turns around, eyes glittering with anger. Fear courses through Erin, but she stands her ground.

"You fucking bitch," he sneers.

Before Erin can comprehend what is happening, her head is connecting with the concrete floor, and the air is crushed out of her lungs. She hears the distinctive sound of a zipper sliding down.

"Close your eyes, Maddie!" she begs. "Please! Close your eyes!"

She closes her own eyes.

 _Please, Jay. Please_.

-o-o-

She lies on the floor, unable to stop shivering. The slam of the basement door vibrates through her aching head, but she doesn't move.

Suddenly, her stomach flips, and she rolls over and vomits again. Some of it gets in her hair, but she doesn't care.

It doesn't matter.

Until a small voice penetrates the fog surrounding her. "Erin?"

Erin squeezes her eyes shut, tries desperately to gather her courage. It's hard to find.

"Erin?" the little voice says again. "Erin!"

"Yeah," she rasps, rolling back over. Maddie is huddled against the wall, hugging herself in terror. "Yeah, Maddie. I'm here. It's okay."

The little girl doesn't say anything. She's shaking with fear.

Erin tries to sit up, finds that she can't, so she reaches out from the floor. "C'mere," she says. "I'm okay, sweetie."

She struggles to pull her jeans back up, moaning at the ripple of pain the movement sends through her chest.

She bites her lip. Hard. She will not lose it. Not now.

Maddie shakes her head. "He hurt you."

"I know, sweetie, but I'm okay," Erin says. And she has to be. For this little girl, who had already been through so much, Erin will be okay. "Everything's going to be fine."

Trembling, Maddie crawls to Erin and cuddles against her. Erin wraps her arms around the small body and holds on tight. The tears spill down her cheeks, unbidden.

"I'm gonna get you out of here," she chokes. "I promise."

She thinks of the chair, of the window.

"Pick the lock," she manages, but consciousness disappears.

-o-o-

She wakes up again to a scream and a strange pressure. Maddie is being yanked out of her arms again. Reflexively, she tightens her grip on the little girl, until a sharp stinging sensation bites across her broken wrist, and she can't help but let go.

When she manages to get her eyes open, he's there, holding a struggling Maddie with one hand and a knife with the other.

"Don't," she begs. "Please, don't hurt her."

"You," he barks. She thinks he may be drunk. "You killed my deal." He flips the knife over in his hand, holds it to Maddie's throat. Erin's heart stops.

She sits up slowly, palm outstretched. "Don't," she whispers. "You don't have to do this."

"Your little cop friends have been asking about me," he says. Maddie is frozen, eyes wide with terror. "Seems my new buyer is no longer interested. Seems the word is out."

"Just let her go," Erin says breathlessly. "You don't need her. You can let her go, and no one will ever know. You can disappear."

"This is my livelihood!" he bellows, and Erin shrinks back a little. "You and this little brat, you took that from me."

"Please," she begs. Maddie whimpers, and a bubble of blood appears at her neck. "Let her go. Please, she didn't do anything. I did. It was me, okay? I'm the one you want."

"You," he says, pointing the knife at Erin's face. "You had to poke your nose where it didn't belong. And you did this."

"Erin!" Maddie shrieks. "Please! Help!"

The sound of the little girl begging for help does something to Erin. Suddenly, her fists are flying.

It happens too fast for her to comprehend, and later on, she won't remember any of it. Erin's foot connects with the kidnapper's torso, and Maddie crumbles to the floor. Erin hears a scream - her own, or Maddie's, or their kidnapper's...it's hard to tell.

Her fist connects with something solid, and agony flares through her cheek. There's a haze of pain and blood, a desperate cry, and then the world disappears.

-o-o-

She isn't sure what wakes her up this time. She drifts back to awareness slowly - it's quiet and peaceful, and for a moment she thinks that perhaps she's dead.

And then pain floods her entire body and she realizes that she's still alive.

She isn't sure if that's good or bad.

Erin forces her eyes open - and finds her kidnapper lying there beside her. She cowers away, scrambling to a sitting position - but he doesn't move.

There's blood all over her, all over him. She looks at him more closely and realizes - he isn't breathing.

He's dead.

Strangely, she has almost no reaction to this.

A sound echoes in her head - sniffling, she thinks. Disoriented, she tries to find it.

 _Maddie_ , she realizes.

"Maddie?" she calls, her voice barely there. She tries to get up, tries to look for her, but her limbs don't seem to be working. She can't manage to get her legs under her. "Maddie, please. Are you okay?"

The sniffling stops. "Erin?" a tiny voice whispers.

"It's okay, sweetie," she says. The pain in her ribs is worse. It's getting harder to breathe. "Maddie, can you come out here?"

There's no reply. Erin's head is spinning. "Maddie, it's okay. I promise. He can't hurt us anymore."

There's a long, agonizing silence. Erin waits the little girl out.

She crawls out from the corner, and Erin breathes a sigh of relief - there's no blood on her. "Does anything hurt?" she asks gently.

"My arm," Maddie says tearfully. "And my head."

"Okay," Erin says. She looks her over as best she can. Everything seems to be okay, but Erin can't exactly recall what just happened, can't quite figure out how their kidnapper ended up dead on the floor, so she can't be totally sure that Maddie isn't injured. "Okay, sweetie, we need to get out of here. Can you help me do that?"

Maddie nods, eyes wide with trauma and terror.

Erin picks up the knife. The handle is slick with blood, so she wipes it as best she can on her dirty t-shirt. She drags herself to her feet.

Her jeans are still undone from...she tries not to think about it as she buttons and zips them with trembling fingers.

She drags herself over to the chair positioned under the window, climbs up on it. The tip of the knife slides into the lock, and the window pops open. The rush of cold air in her face is quite possibly the best thing she's ever felt.

She's not sure how much longer her legs can continue to hold her up, so she sits back down on the chair, at eye level with Maddie.

The little girl looks at her with so much trust, and it surprises Erin. Shocks her that after all of this, after everything she's been through, that Maddie could still believe in anyone.

"Sweetie, I need you to be really brave for me. Can you do that?"

Maddie nods solemnly. Erin kisses her forehead.

"Good girl."

-o-o-

Erin slumps on the floor below the window, back propped against the wall. Her head is spinning, and she's pretty sure the broken rib has punctured her lung. Which means she doesn't have a lot of time.

She's not sure how long it's been since she'd lifted Maddie up through the window, Jay's number written on her arm with a pen Erin had found on the floor. She doesn't know if the other men are still upstairs, if they'll come down eventually and see _him_ dead on the floor.

She can't let herself think about how Jay will react to finding her body. She hopes they don't do a rape kit - she never wants him to know about that.

Alone in the cold, damp basement, she lets herself be afraid for the first time. She knows pushing Maddie out through the window was the right thing to do, knows it's the only way that either of the have a chance at survival.

But she could really use a hug right now.

Erin has been fiercely independent since she learned to crawl. From has far back as she can remember, she has taken care of herself, knowing that she could never rely on anyone else - not her mother, not her father, not Child Protective Services, not even Voight.

She's not even sure she has let herself fully rely on Jay.

But just this once, she thinks it would be nice to have Jay walk down those stairs, wrap his arms around her, and tell her that everything would be okay.

She closes her eyes and waits - for death, or Jay...whichever comes first.

-o-o-


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews! I'm so glad to hear that people are enjoying this story! Here's chapter 3!

-o-o-

Jay vomits onto the sidewalk as soon as Antonio stops the car. Antonio doesn't say a word, just stands there beside him as he expels the three cups of coffee he's had this morning from his roiling stomach.

When he finally spits the remaining bile onto the concrete and forces himself upright, a bottle of water appears in his line of vision. "Thanks," he gasps, taking a gulp.

"You good?" Antonio says, and Jay knows he should say yes. Knows he should suck it up and go upstairs and _find her_ before it's too late.

But his eyes flood with tears, and he chokes, "You know what they're doing to her, Tonio." Because the possibilities are playing over and over and over in his head, and he can't seem to blink past them.

Because the last time a member of the intelligence unit was kidnapped, it was _him_ , and while the memories of the chain from the ceiling and the fists and the taser still keep him up at night sometimes, he knows that what those thugs did to him was nothing compared to what this asshole - this child trafficker, this _rapist_ \- is doing to her right now.

"Can't think like that bro," Antonio says, shaking his head. "Gotta keep your head on straight."

He knows that. He knows that just like she risked her life to save him, he will give anything if it means getting her back safe. He just can't seem to stop picturing her, alone and scared and hurt.

He also knows that if the kidnappers have led her to Maddie, then she'll do anything - _anything_ \- to protect the child. And that terrifies him.

He forces himself to take a deep breath. "Yeah."

Antonio squeezes his shoulder, steers him towards the front doors of the district. "We'll find her."

Jay nods. They will find her.

There is no alternative.

-o-o-

The bullpen is already humming with activity by the time Jay and Antonio make it up the stairs. It feels like every cop in the city is up there, sitting on folding chairs and desktops and even on the floor, working the phones and running through security footage on laptops. The sight of the chaos stops Jay in his tracks.

Antonio pats him on the back, and he puts his head down and walks straight into Voight's office, where the rest of intelligence is gathered.

Doing so forces him to pass Erin's desk. The task force that has gathered is using every available bit of space - there are detectives he only vaguely recognizes from the 29th sitting at his, he can see, and three uniforms have commandeered Dawson's - but Erin's chair remains empty, her desk unused. The sight makes his throat tighten.

He just wants her back.

He glances at the board as they walk into Voight's office, Erin's voice echoing in his head. _We have no back-up plan_.

"What do we know?" Antonio asks, closing the door to Voight's office behind them.

"Our idiot bartender is in with a sketch artist right now," Ruzek says. "We've got eight tech guys in the roll-up combing through all the security cams in the city."

"And?" Voight prompts.

Ruzek shakes his head. "Gotta give 'em a little more time."

"We don't have a little more time!" Jay says angrily.

"What about her phone?" Olinsky presses.

"It's off," Mouse says.

Jay paces over to the window, stares out over the parking lot. This cannot be happening.

"Get on with your CIs," Voight orders, pulling his jacket off the coat rack. "I've gotta go talk to someone."

He stalks out of the office. Olinsky nods at Jay, then follows.

Antonio claps him on the shoulder. "You heard him. Let's get to work."

-o-o-

Jay moves the board into Voight's office, desperate for a quiet place to focus. The sketch has been useless, and surveillance cams have turned up nothing, and they are no further than they were when Erin was taken.

And then there's his boss. Jay can't even let himself think of Voight as Erin's father now, can't let himself imagine what Voight will do if he loses another child. He's been in and out of the district, his eyes angrier each time he returns.

Jay doesn't know what he's doing. Doesn't want to know. He is certain that if anything happens to Erin, a lot of heads will roll.

But they're going to find her, he reminds himself. They're going to find her.

He stares at the overcrowded whiteboard, at the photos and notes and documents and connections. The rest of the team is going door to door searching for witnesses, but Jay can't help feeling that the answer is right here, that they missed something initially.

They have to find Maddie. If they find Maddie, they find Erin.

He startles at the sound of the door opening, and turns to see Olinsky sliding into the office. "How you doing, kid?"

Jay ignores the question. "It doesn't make sense," he says.

"What doesn't?"

"How'd they grab Maddie?" Jay wonders aloud. "Carver was there less than three minutes after the 911 call. Even if he was listening in, if he had a scanner or something...there's no way he could have gotten there so fast."

Olinsky considers that. "You think he was already there?"

Jay shrugs. "Or on his way there, I don't know. It just seems like too big a coincidence. He happened to be there at just the right time?"

"Let's take a ride over to Melanie Carrens," Alvin suggests.

-o-o-

Jay cringes at the sight of Melanie's apartment - it's dirty and bare and cold, broken glass on the floor, and dead cockroaches in the corner. The only piece of furniture, the couch, is ripped and threadbare. It hardly looks like anyone lives there - certainly not a little girl.

Melanie is wrapped in a stained brown blanket, eyes bloodshot - clearly high. Anger boils in Jay's gut.

"D'you find her?" the woman asks hoarsely, closing the door behind the two detectives.

"No," Jay bites. "We didn't."

Olinsky wanders the mostly empty room, languidly looking for clues. "Ms. Carrens, do you have any idea who might have taken your daughter?" he asks.

"Like I told you the other day, I don't know," she says. "She runs off a lot, I don't know."

"Well, this time she didn't run off," Jay says, his temper simmering. He pulls up a screen grab on his phone - Maddie, struggling to escape her kidnapper. "You seen this man before?"

Melanie barely glances at the photo. She shrugs. "I don't know," she says. "I swear, I don't know."

But she's lying, and Jay can see it as clear as day. He watches the woman's shifty reactions, watches her squirm uncomfortably under his gaze.

The pieces slowly come together.

"You," he murmurs, certain he's right, but unable to really comprehend it. "You had - you planned this."

"You think I planned for Andy to die?" Melanie says.

Jay turns to Alvin, mouth open in shock. He's seen a lot of things, but this has to top them all. "The kidnapping wasn't the coincidence, the OD was. They organized this."

"What?" Melanie denies weakly. "No. What? That's...no."

Jay takes a step back, as Olinsky pulls out his cuffs. He can't stop staring at Melanie Carrens.

What kind of mother would sell her own child?

-o-o-

Jay hunches over the counter in the breakroom, his weight supported by trembling arms. He can't remember the last time he slept, but it doesn't matter. She's been out there almost 24 hours, and he's not sure how much more any of them will be able to take.

He's certain that she's still alive though. He thinks he'd feel it if she wasn't.

Melanie Carrens had been no help, although Voight had certainly...done his best. They'd eventually left her bleeding on the floor of the cage, and a small, deeply buried part of Jay hopes that she dies down there.

He hasn't seen Voight since, isn't sure what connections his boss is out working - or torturing. For once it doesn't bother him. When they find the monster who did this, Jay fully intends to tear his limbs from his body.

He's reviewed every available trace of Melanie Carrens and Andy Trainer's history. He's gone through phone records and email accounts and spoken with neighbors and dealers and friends. He's talked to every CI on his roster, even the ones who couldn't possibly know anything. He's begged, he's cajoled, he's bribed...and he feels no closer to finding Erin than he was yesterday morning.

He doesn't understand why there's been no ransom demand. It doesn't make any sense.

Nothing does.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he fumbles for it, fingers shaking with exhaustion. It's a Chicago number, but not one he recognizes. His heart pounds in his chest as he brings the phone to his ear. "Halstead," he croaks. There is no answer. "Hello?"

"Is this Jay?" a small scared voice asks.

"Yes," he whispers, suddenly terrified and hopeful all at the same time. "Yes, it is. Is this - Maddie?"

"Erin said to call you."

He closes his eyes, lets the relief overwhelm him for just a second, before he manages to spring into action.

"That's good sweetheart. Is Erin okay?" he begs, stumbling into the bullpen, arms flailing. He snaps his fingers at Mouse, gesturing wildly at his phone. He's thankful his friend seems to know exactly what he wants.

"The man hurt her," the tiny voice says.

"Is she with you?" Jay asks. The entire team has gathered around, and Jay puts the phone on speaker.

"She pushed me out the window," the girl says. "She stayed in the room."

"Okay," Jay says. "Maddie, can you tell me where you are?"

There's no answer on the line, and he can't tamp down his panic. "Maddie?"

"Hi, this is Jessica Bellison," another, more adult voice, says. "Am I speaking to - is this the police?"

"Yes," Jay says. He makes a "hurry-up" gesture at Mouse. "Yes, my name is Jay Halstead and I'm a detective with the Chicago Police Department. The little girl you have with you was kidnapped three days ago. Can you tell me where you are?"

"I'm at the Xs and Os Diner, on the corner of Waverly and Kemper," the woman says.

Jay is running down the steps before she can finish, the whole team right on his heels.

-o-o-

Jay's out of the car before Antonio fully stops it. The parking lot is already packed with squad cars, lights flashing. He stumbles up the front steps and into the run-down diner, eyes darting frantically around the room.

He spots the little girl sitting at a booth near the front, picking at a slice of pie. She's dirty and thin, but looks unharmed. The gentle-looking woman beside her leaps up as Jay approaches.

"Jay Halstead," Jay says distractedly.

"Jessica," she says. "She just wandered in here and asked to use my phone. Said she had to call Jay. She won't tell me anything else."

Jay barely hears her. He kneels in front of Maddie, tries to give her a smile. "Hey, sweetheart," he says. "My name is Jay. I'm Erin's friend."

"She said you would come," Maddie says. "She got hurt."

"Okay," Jay says, fighting to remain calm. He's a cop. He's a soldier. He can do this. "Maddie, can you tell me where she is?"

Maddie climbs out of the booth and walks past him, and out the door of the diner. He glances at Jessica, then follows her out.

She stops suddenly on the steps, frightened by the sight of the police presence gathered outside. "It's okay, Maddie," Jay says, bending down to her level. "Can you tell me where Erin is so I can help her too?"

Shaking, Maddie points to the house across the street.

"Get Burgess in to stay with her!" Jay yells to the gathered cops, then takes off across the street.

-o-o-

The house is empty.

They search every room, upstairs and downstairs, and Jay's panic continues to grow. She has to be here. She has to. Because if they've taken her somewhere else…

It's Atwater who spots the trap door in the living room floor and pries it open. "Guys, there's a basement down here!" he yells.

Jay practically shoves him aside in his rush to get down the stairs.

The room is dimly lit, but he spots her immediately, covered in blood, slumped against the wall. There's a body on the floor a few feet away.

"No, no no no no no," he gasps. His legs seem to weigh a million pounds, his feet won't get him to her. But suddenly he's on his knees at her side, trembling hands reaching for her.

"Erin," he begs. "Erin, please."

She's breathing, he realizes, and he can't help letting out a sob. "Oh, God," he cries, the rush of emotions uncontrollable. "Get an ambo! I need an ambo!"

"On it's way!" Ruzek calls.

Antonio kneels down on her other side, feels for her carotid. "Pulse is good, Halstead. Take a breath."

But he can't. Jay pulls Erin's shirt up, trying to scan for injuries. Her chest is black and blue, and it makes him sick.

"Jay," a weak, hoarse voice croaks, and his eyes dart back up to her face. Her own eyes are closed, but her nose scrunches up in pain, and relief floods through him.

"Oh my God, Erin," he chokes, and tears are streaming down his cheeks. He can't help it. "Hey, baby, it's okay. You're okay, I've got you. I'm here."

"Maddie," she says.

"She's safe," Jay says. "You saved her, Erin."

Erin's lips curl into a tiny smile. Her eyes flutter open slowly. "I love you," she whispers.

He leans over and kisses her forehead. "I love you too," he says. "So much, baby. You did so good, Erin."

"I'm sorry," she says

"Shh, shh, shh," he whispers. "Erin, can you tell me what's hurting?" He turns around to see Ruzek hovering over his shoulder. "Where is the damn ambulance?" he hisses.

"Pulling up outside," Ruzek promises.

"Just a broken rib," Erin says. She seems more oriented now, more awake. "Concussion maybe. Is Maddie-"

"She's fine," he promises her. "She wasn't hurt. She called me."

"She must be scared," Erin says. She tries to push herself up, then moans and collapses in pain.

"Erin!" he gasps.

She cradles her hand against her stomach, and he realizes that her wrist is grotesquely swollen and misshapen.

"What did he do to you?"

Erin flinches. "I'm fine," she says. "I think...my lung maybe."

Suddenly, Gabby Dawson is kneeling at Erin's other side, and Antonio is pulling him back. Jay tries to shrug him off.

"You gotta give them room to work," Antonio growls at him.

"I wanna be with her," Jay protests, but he doesn't fight his mentor.

Antonio guides him a few feet away, and for the first time Jay takes in the dingy basement. It's cold and damp, with just a single naked bulb dangling from a wire overhead, but he finally notices the dead guy on the floor.

It's the guy from the surveillance video, the guy they saw carrying Maddie from her apartment.

The guy who snatched Erin from that bar.

Jay pokes him with his foot, just to make sure he's really dead. He doesn't move.

Good.

-o-o-

"We're going to need to put in a chest tube before we can transport," Gabby says quietly to Antonio and Jay. "I radioed Brett, she's on her way down."

"Is she gonna be okay?" Jay manages.

He looks past Gabby to his beautiful girlfriend. She's lying flat on the dirty floor now, shirt cut open, an oxygen mask over her face.

"She's gonna be fine," Gabby promises. "Jay, look at me."

He swallows, tearing his eyes away from Erin's prone figure.

"She's got a concussion, a collapsed lung, and a broken wrist, okay?" Gabby says quietly. "She's hurt, but she's going to be okay. I promise."

"But all the blood," he says.

"It's not hers," Gabby swears.

Jay nods, blinking back tears. "Can I…"

"Sure," Gabby nods.

Jay sits down on the floor beside her, trying to smile. "Hey you," he says. He runs a finger down her cheek.

"Is Maddie okay?" Erin pleads, her voice muffled by the oxygen mask. She seems more alert now, more aware.

"She's fine," he says. He picks up her uninjured hand, holds it between both of his. She's so cold. "She went to a diner across the street and borrowed someone's cell phone to call me. You saved her life, Erin."

He watches out of the corner of his eye as Gabby rubs iodine on her chest. They're going to cut her open right here, and the thought makes him sick. He squeezes her hand a little tighter.

"The guy," she says desperately. "Jay, it can't have been a coincidence. The way they snatched her."

"Shh, shhh," he whispers. "Just breathe, okay baby? Just relax. It's all over now."

"No," she says. She tries to sit up, and he gently holds her down. "Someone had to know - the boyfriend, maybe, or...Jay, you've gotta make sure that she's-"

"We've got the mom in custody," he promises, smoothing her hair off her forehead.

"Erin, you've gotta stay still, honey," Gabby says gently. "I'm gonna give you something to take the edge off."

Erin doesn't even seem to hear. "Where is she now?"

"Atwater!" Jay calls, and his teammate comes hustling over. "Can you make sure that Burgess is with Maddie? And tell her to stay with her?"

"Sure thing," Kevin says. He smiles at Erin. "You hang in there, Lindsay."

Erin nods as he pulls out his phone.

"Just breathe, okay?" Jay says. "You're safe now. You both are."

But Erin doesn't look convinced.

-o-o-

He grips her hand tightly as the paramedics insert a chest tube, barely able to watch and yet unable to turn away. She makes a strange, strangled gasping sound as the scalpel slices into her bruised flesh, but offers no other reaction.

She's so brave, he thinks, watching her squeeze her eyes shut.

"Okay, sweetie," Gabby says, once they've got the tube in. "Rescue squad's just outside, and once they get in here, we can get you out."

"I can walk," Erin offers weakly.

Gabby grins at her. "C'mon. You really want to take away Severide's chance to play the hero?" She adjusts Erin's oxygen mask, injects something into her IV.

"Where's Voight?" Erin asks groggily. The painkillers they gave her for the procedure seem to have nearly knocked her out.

"He'll be at Med," Olinsky says, and Jay realizes his colleague has been hovering just over his shoulder. "How you doin' kid?"

"He shouldn't," Erin says, her voice dazed and drowsy and drugged. "I don't want him to know."

Jay glances worriedly at Alvin.

"You don't want him to know what?" he presses. But her eyes have slid shut. "Erin?" he calls frantically. "Gabby!"

"She's okay," Gabby says. "It's just the drugs, Jay."

So he sits on the floor, clutching her hand, wishing to wake up from this nightmare.

-o-o-


	4. Chapter 4

Hello all! Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews - they make me really happy, and I'm so glad that people are enjoying this story. Just a warning, again: Erin and Jay have a bit of a rough road ahead of them!

Have a wonderful holidays! Enjoy!

-o-o-

When they finally wheel Erin back to the ED after the x-rays and the CT, she's practically vibrating with exhaustion and anxiety. The initial rush of being rescued, of seeing Jay's face, has faded, and the crash has been hard.

She can still feel his hands all over her.

Jay and Voight are waiting in the small exam room, and they both leap to their feet when Erin's gurney is rolled in. Voight looks haggard and angry and grief-stricken, and much, much older than he did the last time she saw him - yesterday? The day before? She's not quite sure how long it's been, hasn't asked how long she'd been missing.

"Hey, kid," he says, his voice even hoarser than normal. "How you feeling?"

"I'm fine," she says, her own voice more aggressive and angry than she intends.

Jay and Voight exchange glances, and she sighs. "I'm just really tired."

She hopes they hear the apology in those words.

"We just need to get a cast on that wrist, and then we can admit you upstairs so you can get some rest," Natalie says cheerfully.

Erin sighs. She wants to protest, wants to demand to go home, but she knows there's no way she's getting out of here until the stupid chest tube comes out. She shifts uncomfortably on the narrow gurney, moaning as she accidentally puts a little too much weight on her splinted wrist.

"Are you in any pain?" Jay asks worriedly.

She ignores him, cradling her wrist against her stomach. It feels like everything is bruised. "How's Maddie?"

"She's fine," Voight says. "They didn't touch her."

"Burgess is with her," Jay reassures her. "The hospital contacted child services and they're working on finding a relative."

Erin grimaces at that. No relative could possibly be good news, not if they left her with that mother for so long. "I wanna see her," she pleads.

"In a little while," Natalie says. "Let's get you taken care of first, okay?"

Erin sighs in frustration.

Jay puts a hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her, and Erin isn't sure what happens, but she flinches - violently.

Jay draws back like she's hit him. He stares at her, mouth open in shock.

"Sorry," she says, trying to calm her racing heart. "I'm just...I just want…" She can't figure out what to say, what to ask for.

"Guys, can you give us a minute?" Natalie asks, and she's grateful for that.

"I'm not leaving," Voight growls, and she shakes her head.

"Hank," she sighs. "Go - get some coffee or something. I'm fine."

"We'll be right outside," Jay says softly. He leans in like he wants to kiss her, then thinks better of it and drags Hank out the door.

-o-o-

But once they're gone, Erin realizes that she needs to talk to Natalie. Now. Before they come back.

"They're just worried about you," Natalie says gently.

"Um, so…" Erin starts, and then can't get herself to continue. Natalie patiently sits down on a stool at the head of Erin's bed, her face so empathetic and compassionate that Erin has to turn away.

"I don't want a kit or anything, but I need the uh...the morning after pill, and whatever...I don't know...antibiotics, or...whatever."

She stares at her hands, focusing on the cuts and bruises on her knuckle, on the bright red cut along her palm from where she'd grabbed the knife out of the psychopath's hands. Natalie doesn't respond for a long moment, and finally, Erin can't take it anymore. "I have an IUD," she rambles. "But I just want to make sure, so, I just...if I could just…"

"Erin," Natalie says gently. "I can get you Plan B and STD prophylaxis, but we really should do a pelvic."

"No."

"Just to make sure everything is okay. That you're okay."

"Look, he's dead, okay? So it doesn't matter. And I can't - no one can know," Erin says. "Because they'll never…" Her voice cracks, and she takes a gulping, shaky breath. "I just want the pill, okay? I just can't get pregnant like...like that."

"What if it wasn't just him, though? You told me you couldn't remember how you got most of these injuries, so what if-"

"I would remember that," Erin says, unable to handle the thought. Her pants were on, when she landed in that basement. She would have felt it. She would have. "Believe me, I remember. Okay? Please. Just give me the pill."

But Natalie doesn't get up. "Erin, I'm so sorry that this happened, and-"

"Stop," Erin says firmly. "I don't want...it's no big deal. He was gonna hurt that little girl and I…" she shudders involuntarily as her mind takes her to that moment. His hands throwing her on the floor, ripping at her jeans. His breath on her face. Maddie screaming.

"Erin," Natalie tries again, but Erin cuts her off.

"No," she says. "I'm not gonna say yes to an exam, and I don't want to talk about it, and if you tell anyone about this…"

"I'm not going to tell anyone," Natalie says, her voice thick. Erin finally turns back to look at her, needing to see her make that promise. "Erin, I would never. If you don't want me to say anything, then I won't, I promise."

"You can't tell Will," Erin pleads. "Because if it gets back to Jay…"

This whole thing has been hard enough. If Jay knew what had really happened...she just can't do that to him.

"I won't tell Will," Natalie says. "I promise, I won't say anything to him. But Erin...you can't...not telling Jay…"

Part of her knows that not telling him might be even worse than telling him. The rational part of her, the part that has been a cop for more than a decade, the part that has talked victims and families through the worst moments of their lives...that part knows that hiding what happened from the most important person in her life is the worst decision she could possibly make. That part knows that Jay will be far more hurt by not knowing than by knowing. That this secret could destroy her relationship, destroy everything that matters.

But the rational part of her has never been able to win these debates. The rational part of her simply can't compete with the traumatized little girl that lives inside of her. The one that told teachers she'd fallen down the stairs rather than admit that her father had hit her. The one that lied about an imaginary drinking problem so that her mother wouldn't be arrested. The kid who told the school counselor that she lived with her grandmother rather than admit she was sleeping on the streets.

That little girl knows she can't tell anyone about what that monster did to her in that dingy basement. Knows that her team and Voight and Jay can never, ever know about this.

So she hardens her face, and sits up as straight as her broken ribs will allow. "It didn't happen, okay? I just need the morning after pill, and then I don't ever want to talk about this again."

Natalie looks heartbroken, but Erin doesn't back down.

"Okay," the doctor finally says. "I'll go get the pill."

Erin nods. She takes a slow, deep breath and buries the tears - buries the whole thing - as Natalie slips out of the room.

No one else will ever know about this.

-o-o-

After Natalie finishes wrapping the cast around her wrist, she tries one last time. "Erin, the exam isn't just for collecting evidence, it's to make sure you're okay."

"No," Erin says. She can see Jay out in the hallway, talking to Voight and Olinsky. She wishes Dr. Manning would leave.

"You could have injuries that we won't know about," Natalie pleads. "Cervical bruising is very common in rape and-"

Hearing the word feels like a physical blow. It travels through Erin's entire body as she recoils from Natalie's attempts at care. "No!" she shrieks.

"I'm sorry," Natalie whispers.

She's about to scream. About to yell at the doctor to get out, to leave her alone, to respect her fucking wishes. But then she sees her whole team out in the hallway, staring at her through the window. She swallows hard, takes a deep, shaky breath.

"I'm fine," she says, quiet and calm. "So drop it."

-o-o-

When Dr. Manning finally leaves, Jay slips back in, alone. He hovers warily in the doorway, staring at her.

"Hey," she says. It's hard to get the word out, and she realizes then that she's crying.

"Hey," he says, his voice so gentle it hurts.

She tries to control herself, tries to swallow it down, to put the mask back on. She needs to be strong for him, needs to keep it together so that he believes she's okay.

But her emotions are all over the place, and between the pain and the fear and the exhaustion, she just can't do it. And suddenly tears are streaming down her cheeks and she's gasping for air and trying desperately to fight it.

"Erin," Jay chokes.

The bed dips with his weight, and she jumps a little. He gives her a few seconds before gently, carefully, wrapping her in his arms.

He feels warm and safe and so she lets herself go.

-o-o-

"You promise Maddie's okay?" Erin says when she's calmed down enough to talk. Her face is still mashed against Jay's chest - the T-shirt is now damp, but he doesn't say anything about that and neither does she. The position is hurting her ribs and her head and her bruised cheek, but she feels safe like this, so she doesn't pull away.

"I promise," Jay murmurs into her temple. He's got one hand pressed to her back, the warmth seeping through her thin hospital gown, and the other carding through her tangled hair, and she wishes she could stay right here, just like this, forever.

That everything else could just go away.

"Burgess is still with her," he says. "Maddie's gonna sleep here tonight, and we put someone outside her door, just to make her feel better. And I talked to Julie at CPS myself - they've got a possible foster family who might be able to take her tomorrow."

"I wanna talk to them," Erin sniffles. "Before they take her."

"I told Julie that," Jay soothes. "She said we can meet them tomorrow if you want."

"Okay," Erin manages.

She realizes what an awkward position Jay is in, perched on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry," she says, pulling away. "You must be so-"

"Shhh," he whispers, keeping her close. And she lets him, because she really, really needs this. "I thought I'd never get to hold you again," he chokes, and it hurts, it hurts.

"I'm okay," she says, pressing her good hand to his chest. "Jay, I'm okay."

"I'm so sorry," he says, his voice thick and pained. "I'm sorry, Erin, I should have gotten in there sooner. I should have been better back-up, I should have-"

"Jay," she says firmly. She nuzzles her nose against him, clutching his shirt tightly. "Please, it's not your fault. We got Maddie back. That's all I wanted." She kisses his chest gently. "And I'm okay. I promise."

His lips press against the top of her head. "You're sure?" he says shakily. "You're sure that he didn't - do anything else?"

She can feel him holding his breath. For a split second, she considers telling him. It would be so easy to just let it all spill out right now.

But she can't handle hurting him. Can't bear to put him through that, can't bear to pile onto the guilt and the grief that he's already feeling.

So she tilts her head up to look him in the eye. "I'm sure," she says, then gently touches her lips to his.

He presses his forehead to hers and she closes her eyes, breathing him in. She's just so relieved to be back here in his arms.

And she thinks she can do this. He never has to know. No one does. And everything will be fine.

-o-o-

It's not long before Erin's fragile illusion is shattered. She's dozing in her hospital bed - they've insisted on admitting her to the ward until the chest tube can come out, but at least they've put her in a private room - when a light knock on the door startles her wide awake.

It's not like she was really sleeping. When she starts to drift off, she sees his face, feels his hands.

"It's just Kim," Jay says gently, rubbing her unbroken arm. She can't help flinching at the unexpected contact.

Stop it, she admonishes herself. It's Jay. It's fine. She's fine.

"Hey!" Kim says, the smile on her face way too big. "How are you feeling?"

"How's Maddie?" Erin grunts, pushing herself up into a sitting position. She can't help moaning as the movement ripples through her battered chest.

"Hey, easy," Jay says. "Let me." He presses the button on the side of the bed to raise it. "You sure you're okay?"

"Please stop asking," she says through gritted teeth. The pain is really starting to get to her. "How's Maddie?"

"She's good," Kim says. Too bright, too cheerful. "She can't wait to see you."

"I wanna see her," Erin says. She turns to Kim, who seems more likely to appease her. "Can you take me to her?"

Kim glances at Jay, which infuriates her to no end. "You don't need his permission, he's not my father," she bites.

"Erin," Jay sighs.

Tears flood her eyes instantly. It's the damn hormones from the stupid morning after pill, she thinks. "I'm sorry," she whispers.

"I think the nurses wanted her to go to sleep soon," Kim says. "You can see her in the morning, before they discharge her."

Too exhausted to protest, Erin leans her head back against the pile of pillows, closes her eyes. She can practically feel Jay and Kim having a silent conversation across her body.

She's not surprised when Jay stands up and kisses her forehead. "I'm gonna get some coffee," he says, smoothing her hair away from her face. "Do you want anything?" he asks hopefully.

She shakes her head. Tries to smile.

The anxiety that floods her as he disappears out the door cannot be normal.

-o-o-

And it increases when she turns to look at Kim, who is no longer smiling. In fact, her eyes are full of tears.

"I'm fine," Erin lies. She tries to change positions and barely manages to suppress a moan. Everything just hurts so damn much. "I promise, Kim. I am."

She doesn't have the emotional energy to comfort a patrol officer right now. They're barely even friends.

But Kim cautiously sits in the chair that Jay has vacated, takes a deep, unsteady breath.

"Um," she says, her voice shaky. "I talked to Maddie," she continues, holding up her notebook. "I took her statement."

She stops there, looking worriedly at Erin. Erin's heart is pounding.

"What?" she manages. "Is she okay? Did he hurt her?"

Shit. She thought Maddie had been honest with her, that he hadn't touched her. A hot rush of anger floods her stomach.

"No," Kim says, shaking her head. "No, I promise you, he didn't. She's totally fine."

"He didn't touch her?" Erin says, swallowing the rage.

"No," Kim tells her. She grasps Erin's hand in hers, looks her directly in the eye. "Erin, he didn't touch her. The doctors checked her out, and I talked to her. He didn't touch her. She's got a couple bruises, that's all, and they think it was probably from the fight."

Erin nods, trying to let herself feel relieved at that news.

"Thanks, Kim," she says.

But Kim still looks incredibly upset, and it's making her nervous. "Um…" Kim stutters. "Uh...she told me...what happened."

Erin stares at her blankly. She has no idea what that means.

Kim looks anxiously around the room, as if making sure no one else is there. "She said that - that Bryce Carver raped you?"

Erin's ribcage seems to constrict. She suddenly can't get a deep breath in. Her stomach flips, and she's certain she's going to vomit.

"Hey, hey, Erin," Kim's voice says, from a million miles away. "Just breathe, sweetie."

But she can't.

-o-o-

She's not sure how long it takes her to calm down. Maybe seconds, maybe hours.

"What did she say?" she gasps. "What does she know - what did-"

She knows Maddie saw the whole thing, knows the little girl was only a few feet away as that monster - she can't bring herself to use his name, to make him human - had thrown her down on the concrete floor and shoved himself inside of her.

She'd just prayed that Maddie had closed her eyes, that she hadn't really known what was going on. She'd tried desperately to keep quiet as it had happened, but with his full weight on her broken ribs, it had been hard.

Kim sighs. "She, um...she said that he threw you on the ground and-"

"Let me see that." Erin rips the notebook out of Kim's hands, scanning through the pages of neat handwriting.

Threw EL on ground. She hit head. Pulled pants off and raped her. MC hid in corner but witnessed whole event. Finished, kicked EL in stomach, went upstairs.

Erin's hands are shaking, so violently that the notebook slips from her hands. "Did she - she used the word, the, the, she used-"

But she can't say it.

"Yeah," Kim says sadly. "I don't know how she knew it, I didn't want to traumatize her any further."

Erin nods, taking gasping, painful breaths. Maddie knew. Maddie had seen everything and known exactly what was happening.

"You can't tell anyone," she pleads. "Burgess, please. Please, you need to promise me."

"Shh, shh," Kim murmurs. "Breathe, Erin. Just focus on breathing."

"No, I need you to promise me," Erin chokes. "Kim, no one can know."

Kim sits on the bed beside her. "Erin, this isn't your fault," she says sympathetically. Like she's talking to a victim.

"Don't you dare," Erin snaps, wishing she could get out of this bed. "Don't talk to me like that!"

"I'm sorry," Kim says, chastened. She swipes her fingers across her eyes, pushing away tears.

"You can't put it in the report," Erin say, trying to sound calm and in command. "Kim, please. Just rip that up. Promise me you won't put it in the report."

"Erin," Kim says, and she sounds so sad and regretful that Erin has to look away. "Erin, you're not going to be able to hide this."

"I'm not hiding anything," Erin says. "I was doing my job, and I made a choice, okay? I made a choice to protect a child, and no one needs to know."

Kim stares at her, wide-eyed.

"You know how hard it is to be a female cop," Erin tries. "If they find out about this, they're all gonna look at me differently. The whole team, the brass. They won't let me out in the field again. If this goes on my record, my career is over."

"That's not true," Burgess tries weakly. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"It doesn't matter," Erin says. "You know that, Kim."

The younger officer rubs a hand across her face. She looks overwhelmed, and Erin feels a brief pang of guilt for burdening her with this.

But it doesn't matter. She needs this.

And the world owes her.

"What if it comes out?" Kim finally says.

"It won't," Erin promises. "Not if you don't tell anyone."

"But Jay," Kim tries.

"No."

"He loves you, Erin," Kim pleads, but she's clearly giving up.

"I know," Erin says. And she does. And that knowledge makes her even more determined to protect him from this. "That's why he can't know."

-o-o-

Jay is fast asleep in an uncomfortable, poorly padded chair by her bedside, but Erin can't seem to close her eyes. She hasn't slept in days, but there's something unsettling about letting going, about succumbing to unconsciousness voluntarily.

She knows she should have told Jay to go home, to sleep in their bed, to get some real rest and come back in the morning. But the thought of him leaving her alone here made her heart beat way too fast, and so she hadn't said a word as he asked the nurse for an extra blanket and pillow, as he pulled the chair up right beside her bed so he could prop his feet up beside hers and hold her hand.

"I love you," he'd whispered in her ear, his warm breath caressing her cheek. She'd let him kiss her, trying to smile as he'd settled in next to her.

She hasn't seen Voight again, hasn't asked where he's been. In a way, it's easier without him - she knows that Voight would be able to see right through her.

And it's fine. She's fine. This isn't even the worst thing that's ever happened to her. In the grand scheme of her life, this is really nothing. Just an occupational hazard.

She curls onto her side, ribs aching, head pounding. She'd asked for only Tylenol - she can't risk the stronger stuff, not now. But it's hard to believe how much everything hurts.

She closes her eyes, shudders when he immediately appears in front of her. Her skin crawls, and she has to stifle a gasp.

So she opens her eyes again, focuses them on Jay's sleeping face. Watches his chest rise and fall with each steady breath.

This is all she has to do. Just lie here and watch Jay breathe.

That's what's going to get her through.

-o-o-


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the delay guys! Hope you have all had a lovely New Year's! Thank you all for your reviews - it's so nice to read them! Enjoy chapter five!

xoxo

-o-o-

Jay is still half asleep when Burgess brings Maddie in to see Erin the next morning. It hadn't been a particularly restful night - he'd woken up pretty much every hour, each time the nurses had come in to check Erin's vitals. He's feeling marginally better than yesterday, but not much. All he can think about is getting Erin home, climbing into bed beside her, and sleeping for days on end.

But he forces himself back into awareness when the door opens and Burgess leads the little girl into the room. "Hey, Maddie," he says, fighting the urge to rub his eyes. The kid is hiding behind Kim's leg.

Erin is curled up on her side, a pillow clutched to her chest, and he knows she's in a ton of pain. He thinks she might finally be sleeping soundly, and he's hesitant to wake her.

He's also a little worried that she might not wake up so nicely. Each time the nurses had checked on her in the night, she'd clearly been in the middle of some unpleasant dreams.

"How are you feeling, sweetie?" he asks, standing up. His muscles ache from sleeping in the chair.

"Good," Maddie says quietly. She peers around Kim, eyes wide with fear. "Is Erin okay?"

"She's good," Jay promises. "She's just sleeping so she can get better."

"Little Miss Maddie and I were just going to head down to the cafeteria to get some pancakes," Kim says cheerfully, ruffling Maddie's hair.

"Does Erin like pancakes?" Maddie asks shyly.

"She does!" Jay says with a wink. "And I think if you brought her some chocolate chip pancakes she'd be very, very happy."

Maddie finally smiles. "Okay."

"Okay!" Burgess says. "Let's do it!"

-o-o-

"What happened?" Erin asks groggily as the door closes. She tries to move, moaning in pain as she does so, and Jay is relieved he didn't try to wake her while Maddie was in the room.

"Hey," he says, hurrying back to her bedside. "Shh, shh, don't try to move too much."

"Jay, it hurts," she gasps, and he automatically reaches for the nurse's call button. He's never heard Erin admit to being in pain before, and it scares him.

"You're okay," he says, gently stroking her hair, because it's all he can do.

"Can you help me sit up?" she asks. "I just need to-"

"Yeah, yeah," he says. She whimpers as he helps her onto her back, carefully avoiding the IV and the chest tube. "That better?"

"Yeah," she says, closing her eyes. "Can you just raise the bed?"

He does, watching her take slow, deep breaths. He leans down to kiss her forehead - he can't seem to stop touching her.

He was so relieved she'd let him stay. He had worried that she'd order him to go home, and while he might have gotten more sleep that way, he needs to be near her more than he needs rest.

He might never let her out of his sight again.

"Was that Kim?" Erin asks. She looks more awake now, more alert.

"Yeah," he says, lacing his fingers through hers. "She and Maddie went to get breakfast."

"Maddie?" Erin says, and her face crumples a little.

"They'll be right back," he reassures. "They were just picking stuff up from the cafeteria."

Erin leans her head back against the pillow. "I just want to go home," she whispers.

"I know," he says gently. "Soon, baby."

-o-o-

Erin's eyes fill with tears when Maddie enters the room. Maddie, on the other hand, lights up.

"Erin!"

"Hi, sweetie," Erin says, and he can hear how hard she's trying to keep it together. "I'm so happy to see you!"

Maddie rushes over to the bed, then stops, suddenly scared.

"It's okay," Erin says. "You can come sit with me, just gotta be gentle."

She glances at Jay, and he hurries around to the other side of the bed. "All right, Madster, let's get you up here."

He lifts her up, then carefully settles her on Erin's uninjured side. She cuddles into Erin, and he watches his tough, strong girlfriend lose the fight for composure. The tears slide down her cheeks, and she takes a shaky, wheezing breath.

Maddie pulls away immediately, terrified.

"It's okay," Erin says, wrapping her arm around the little girl and nudging her back. "I'm just so happy to see you."

Maddie looks uneasy, but she leans into the curve of Erin's side. "We got you chocolate chip pancakes!" she announces.

Erin kisses her head. "Those are my favorites!" she says. "Thank you! I just have to use the bathroom, and then I wanna eat them!"

She tickles Maddie, and the little girl giggles. He smiles at the sight, and despite the nightmare of the situation, he can't help feeling a little pang of longing, can't help picturing Erin in a very different hospital bed in a very different situation.

And then he sees Erin's face. "Jay, can you help me up?" she says, too quickly, barely able to hide the desperation in her voice.

"Of course," he says. She turns away from Maddie to climb off the bed, and her face immediately scrunches up in pain.

He catches Kim's eye pleadingly, and she swoops in to distract the kid. "Maddie!" she says exuberantly. "Why don't we go get Erin some more water! And, I talked to one of the nurses and I think they might even have some crayons!"

"Oh, that sounds great, Maddie," Erin manages, as Jay disconnects the chest tube and practically hauls her to her feet. "Maybe you could draw me a picture?"

"Okay," Maddie says warily. Jay can tell they're not really fooling her, but she lets Kim pick her up and hustle her out of the room.

Once Maddie's gone, Erin pulls away from him, hobbling toward the bathroom on her own. "Erin," Jay tries, but she waves him off.

"I just need a minute," she says, voice thick.

She limps into the small bathroom and he slumps on the bed, listening to her cry through the closed door.

-o-o-

Voight shows up around lunchtime, finally. Erin's dozing in the bed while Maddie sits on the floor, drawing with a small pack of Crayolas. Jay had wanted Kim to take the kid to the pediatric wing's playroom, to give Erin a bit of a break, but Erin had demanded that Maddie stay.

Erin startles awake when Hank walks in, and Jay immediately reaches for her hand. "It's just Voight," he whispers, trying to soothe her.

She's been so on edge all morning. And he understands - she's been through a terrifying, terrible ordeal. She's badly injured and in a lot of pain.

But something about it feels off. He isn't sure what to do, how to help her.

"Well, this must be Maddie," Hank says. The little girl inches away from him. She holds her crayons tightly, as if someone might take them. "I've heard a lot about you."

Maddie runs towards Erin, hiding behind the bed.

"Hey, it's okay," Erin says, reaching for Maddie. "This is my...this is Hank. He works with me."

Voight's face falls a little at the way she says that, but he recovers quickly. "Maddie, I brought you something." He pulls a stuffed monkey from behind his back.

Maddie looks at Erin and then at Jay, then hesitantly reaches out. She snatches the stuffed animal from Hank and clutches it to her chest, watching him, eyes wary.

Jay's heart breaks for her.

Voight meets Jay's eyes, nodding imperceptibly towards Erin. Jay sighs, not sure what to do. He doesn't want to leave her. He isn't even sure if she wants to see Hank. Isn't sure what she wants at all.

Kim chooses that moment to intervene. "Hey, Maddie, why don't you and Monkey and I get some ice cream? Does that sound good?"

Maddie looks to Erin, as if asking permission. She pastes on a smile. "Mmm, ice cream sounds yummy, right?"

He thinks for a second that Maddie's going to say no, but finally she says, "Can I have chocolate?"

Erin's eyes fill with tears again, but she grins. "You can have whatever you want!"

Maddie runs towards Kim and grabs her hand. "You guys want anything?" Kim offers.

"Can you just grab me a bagel or something?" Jay asks. He looks to Erin, who's shaking her head. "Erin…"

She hasn't eaten anything all day, aside from the two bites she'd taken of the chocolate-chip pancakes. He's pretty sure she didn't eat yesterday either. In fact, he has no idea when the last time she'd eaten anything was. But she glares at him, and he lets it drop.

"Thanks Kim," Erin says.

Kim hustles Maddie into the hall, and then it's just the three of them.

-o-o-

Voight clears his throat. "Jay, can you give us a minute?"

Jay nods, and moves to leave, but Erin grabs his hand. "No, I want him to stay."

Hank sighs. "Erin."

"I'm fine," she says pointedly. "It's just a couple broken bones and a concussion. Nothing I haven't had before."

"Erin, I just want to make sure-"

"I'm not gonna use again," she says pointedly. The word _again_ makes Jay flinch. "I'm just taking tylenol, okay?"

"That's not what I'm worried about."

"Good."

Voight glares at Halstead. He shrugs.

She wants him here. So he's not leaving her. No matter what kinds of looks his boss gives him.

Voight turns back to Erin, watching her carefully. He finally says, "Erin, we need a statement."

Erin shakes her head. "There's - I don't think there's anything helpful I could tell you."

"The other two guys are still out there," Voight reminds her. "We don't know if there are other people involved, but Carver couldn't have been working on his own." Erin shrugs, and Voight goes in for the kill. "They could have other kids."

Jay watches that hit her. He wishes they could give her some time, let her heal before she relives this, but he knows Voight is right.

He laces his fingers through hers, running his thumb along her knuckles.

"I just - I don't really remember anything," she says distantly. "I only saw them in the bar, and I don't remember what they looked like. They never came down to the basement. You probably know more than me if you saw security cam footage."

"How did they get you to that house?" Voight presses.

"I don't remember," she says. "I don't. The last thing I remember is talking to them in the bar, and then I woke up in the basement."

"And did he say anything?" Voight asks. "Carver?" Erin squeezes her eyes shut, and her pulse, thudding against his fingers, ticks up just a notch. "What happened in the basement?"

"Can I - I'm sorry, I just - I can't do this with you," Erin says, avoiding Voight's eyes. "Can you - could I…"

Voight looks devastated. "Oh," he says. "Yeah. Of course. You can - of course." He stands up, wiping a hand over his face. "You just wanna talk to Jay?" he asks gruffly.

But she shakes her head. "Maybe Alvin. Is that…?"

"Yeah," Voight says. "I'll go get him."

Jay watches him disappear out the door. A minute later, Olinsky cautiously pokes his head in.

"Hey, kid. How you feeling?"

Jay brings Erin's hand to his lips, kisses her palm. "I'll be right outside," he says, and flees the room before he can cry.

-o-o-

They sit side by side in the hallway. Jay finds his eyes drifting shut without his permission. He isn't sure he's ever been this exhausted in his entire life.

"Did she say anything to you?" Voight asks gruffly. "About what happened?"

Jay shakes his head. "No," he says, replaying the last two days in his mind. "She's just..."

"She's just what?" Voight presses, when Jay doesn't continue.

 _Off_ , Jay wants to say, but he swallows it.

"She didn't tell me anything," Jay says finally.

He wishes she'd talk to him. And at the same time...he's not sure he can handle what she might have to say.

-o-o-

It's nearly an hour before Olinsky emerges from the room. Jay sits in his chair, back ramrod straight, forcing himself to take slow, deep breaths.

At some point, Maddie and Kim return. Maddie accepts the news that they can't go see Erin now stoically, and sits down between Kim and Jay to watch _Frozen_ on Kim's iPad - but Jay sees her casting anxious glances towards Erin's closed door every few minutes.

Jay doesn't blame her.

Finally, finally, Olinsky emerges. His eyes are grave, his mouth set.

Voight leaps to his feet. "What'd she say?"

Olinsky glances around the group. The whole team is there, but so is Maddie. She's watching them warily, _Frozen_ forgotten in her lap.

"Maybe Maddie can go play with Erin?" Jay suggests, ruffling her hair.

Olinsky looks hesitant, but nods. "Yeah, I think that would be good."

"Come on, munchkin," Kim says, reaching for the little girl's hand. She leads her into Erin's room, but Maddie still looks unsettled.

Once the kid is gone, they all huddle up. "She didn't give me much," Olinsky says. "She didn't remember how they got her there."

"Was she already hurt?" Jay presses. "When they got to that house?" He knows it doesn't matter that much, knows it's not going to help them find these assholes, but he needs to know what happened to her, needs reality to temper the pictures in his head.

Olinsky avoids his eyes. "She said she woke up at the bottom of the stairs, with a concussion, broken wrist, and broken ribs. Sounds like he knocked her around a couple times while she was down there too."

Jay clenches his fist tightly.

"Why'd they grab her?" Atwater asks. "Why go through all that trouble?"

"He said he had plans for her," Olinsky says with a shrug, and Jay can't help the shudder that runs through him. "She didn't know anything else."

"But he didn't rape her?" Jay asks, his voice cracking on the word. She'd said nothing had happened, but he just needs to be sure.

"She said no," Olinsky says, making eye contact and holding it. Jay nods, relieved.

"She did say that they were trying to sell Maddie to another buyer," he continues. "He told her everyone backed out - that we scared them off."

"So we were on the right track," Ruzek says, and everyone turns to look at him. "Someone we talked to tipped them off."

"Let's get back to the district," Voight says. "Start working through all our notes from the past three days, see who the likely candidates are."

The team immediately turns to head out. "I'm gonna…" Jay says to his boss, gesturing towards Erin's room.

"Yeah," Voight says. "Stay with her."

Jay nods. He wasn't planning on anything else.

-o-o-

Maddie is cuddled into Erin's side, thumb in her mouth. _Let it Go_ is playing from the iPad on the bedside table, but he can tell Erin's not watching.

The little girl jumps when Jay walks in, but quickly settles, giving him a toothy smile. Jay grins back, heart melting just the tiniest bit.

"Did you talk to Julie?" Jay asks Kim quietly, but Erin, of course, hears.

"Yeah," Kim says. "She's got a family set, and she says they're wonderful. She's going to bring them by at 3:00."

Erin looks stricken. She tightens her grip on Maddie.

"Did you talk to them?" she asks hoarsely. "Who are they?"

Maddie looks up from the movie. Kim pastes on a reassuring smile.

"Their names are Sammi and Tim Reiner," she says, stroking Maddie's hair. "They have a nine-year-old daughter named Lainie, and they're really excited to meet you."

Erin's still looking at Kim, panic on her face.

"They sounded really, really nice," Kim promises. "Julie promised me that they're great. And they're going to come pick her up here so you can talk to them first."

Maddie looks to Erin, as if checking to make sure everything's okay. Erin pulls herself together, kisses the little girl's head.

"I can't wait to meet them," she says cheerfully, but Jay sees through it.

He takes her hand in his. She clutches it tightly.

-o-o-

Sammi and Tim Reiner truly are lovely, which makes Jay feel better. They bring their daughter, who is funny and smart and energetic, and she teaches Maddie to play some sort of complicated card game while the adults talk.

Erin's so tired she can barely keep her head up, but she's polite to the Reiners - even seems to like them. It turns out the family lives only a few blocks from Jay and Erin, and Sammi tells them she hopes they'll come visit often.

When it's time to say goodbye, Erin visibly struggles to hold back her tears.

"Thank you for being so brave," Erin whispers to the little girl, hugging her tightly. "Everything is going to be okay now."

"But I wanna stay with you," Maddie says into Erin's neck.

Erin glances at him. Jay rubs a gentle hand down Maddie's back.

"Maddie, we're gonna come see you all the time, okay? You'll see Erin really soon, I promise."

For a second he thinks Maddie might break down, might throw a tantrum, might scream and cry and refuse to go. But she doesn't. Instead, she stoically climbs down from Erin's bed and faces her new family, and Jay realizes that this is a child who has never gotten to throw a tantrum.

It makes him ache.

"We'll see you soon," Sammi Reiner promises, as she leads the little girl out of the hospital room.

Before the door closes, Maddie turns around and looks at Erin, her eyes haunted. And then she's gone.

Erin's cheeks are wet with tears, and Jay climbs onto the bed beside her, pulls her into his arms. "She's gonna be okay," he whispers. "Thanks to you, she's gonna be okay."

Erin leans her head against his chest. "I wish she could have stayed with us," she says, her voice cracking.

He'd suspected she was thinking that. And part of him had wanted it too.

"I wish we could, baby," he says. "But…"

But Erin needs to focus on herself right now, needs to put herself back together.

"Yeah," she whispers.

He holds her until she falls asleep.

-o-o-


	6. Chapter 6

Hi guys! Thank you so much to all who read and reviewed - I'm glad to hear that people are enjoying. Another rough chapter ahead!

Have a great week!

-o-o-

On Erin's second morning in the hospital, Dr. Manning knocks on her door, face limned with sympathy. "Hey," she says, smiling gently. "How you feeling?"

"Good," Erin says warily. Jay is passed out in the chair beside her - he's barely moved since she got here. She glances at him, takes a minute to make sure he's really asleep. "Better, I think."

Natalie nods, checking the chest tube and adjusting Erin's IV. "Headache still bad?"

Erin shrugs. Her head feels like it's being squeezed in a vice. Just having her eyes open hurts. "It's pretty bad, yeah."

Natalie flashes a penlight across Erin's eyes. Erin recoils at the sudden intrusion.

"Sorry," Natalie says, sitting on the bed beside her. "Everything looks okay though. It's just gonna take some time."

"Yeah," Erin whispers, but her splitting headache is really the least of her concerns right now. She watches Natalie anxiously - three people know her secret, and Erin has a feeling that, of all of them, it's Dr. Manning who can't really be trusted.

She knows the doctor is no longer dating Will. Or whatever was going on with them. But even so, if Natalie tells Will, then he'll feel compelled to tell Jay…

She shouldn't have said anything at all, she thinks.

"So, the morgue tested Bryce Carver," Natalie says. Erin winces at the sound of his name, but nods, looking everywhere but at the doctor. "He was HIV negative, no STDs, so we can take you off the cocktail."

Erin lets out a breath she didn't even realize she was holding. She hadn't really thought about how she was going to hide the HIV meds from Jay - or explain them to him.

"Good," she says, swallowing hard. She looks over at Jay again - still sleeping. "That's good. Thank you."

Natalie doesn't leave though. She takes a deep breath, and Erin knows what's coming next.

"Don't," she begs. "Just-" she indicates Jay with her head. "Please."

"Okay," Natalie says quietly. "But we've gotta talk about it. I know you don't want to, but…"

Erin looks back and forth between Natalie and Jay, feeling panicked. Trapped.

"Okay," she hisses. "Just - later. Okay?"

Natalie nods, pats her hand.

"I'll come back later," she says.

Her voice is gentle, but to Erin, the words feels like a threat.

-o-o-

Natalie comes back as soon as Jay leaves the room, as if she'd been watching the door. Erin had talked him into going home - grabbing a shower, changing his clothes, and bringing her something to wear when they discharge her.

Because she's getting out of here today. Whether the doctors say it's okay or not.

She's the one who told him to go, but without Jay here, she feels naked and defenseless and scared. She wraps the sweatshirt he left her more tightly around her shoulders, pulls the blanket up to her chin, as if it can hide her.

She flinches as Natalie walks in, closes her eyes as the doctor begins a clearly prepared speech.

"Erin, I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do," Natalie says. "And the last thing I want is to hurt you any further. But that's why you need to have a pelvic. I need to make sure that you have no traumatic injuries, that you're healing."

"There are no injuries," Erin says defensively. "It's not like I was a virgin."

"It doesn't matter," Natalie says. "It - you could still be hurt."

Erin burrows further into the pile of hospital blankets. "I'm not hurt," she insists. "It was just sex."

"No - no," Natalie sputters. "It wasn't - that's not - Erin, you can't-"

"No, I'm not saying it was consensual," Erin says, irritated. "But it wasn't - violent."

It wasn't. She hadn't fought. He hadn't hurt her.

She breathes in through her nose and out through her mouth, telling herself that. He hadn't hurt her. Not during...it.

"It was though," Natalie says, and it sounds like she's on the verge of tears. "Erin, he punctured your lung during the…" She stops, tries a different tactic. "If there are internal injuries, they might not heal properly on their own. What happens if you try to have sex with Jay and it's painful? How are you gonna explain that to him?"

Erin sees what she's doing, feels the low blow, but it gets through.

She'll be able to handle it, she thinks. She can take the pain.

But Jay, who knows her better than anyone ever has before, better than she knows herself - he might realize.

She opens her eyes, glares at Natalie. "Make it quick," she says. "We can't do it here, and no one else can be there."

Natalie nods rapidly. "I'm going to find a room."

"And Natalie," Erin calls, as the doctor makes for the door. "It doesn't go in my chart. You don't gather any evidence. And Jay cannot know about it. Ever."

"He won't," Natalie says softly. "I promise."

-o-o-

After the exam, Erin curls up in a ball on her side, shivering. She just can't seem to get warm. Natalie covers her with a thick blanket, but it doesn't help.

His hands still seem to be crawling all over her. And the feeling of Natalie's fingers...she sits up and violently throws up on the tile floor.

"Okay," Natalie says gently, when she's collapsed back onto the bed. "That's okay. I'm going to get you cleaned up and get you some water."

Erin presses her face into the pillow, wishing that the universe would just open up and swallow her.

Natalie strokes her hand through Erin's knotty, matted hair. Erin knows she's trying to comfort her, but somehow it makes things worse. The doctor tries to give her a cup of water, but Erin makes no move to take it. She sets it on a tray instead, and pulls up a stool.

"Everything looks okay," Natalie says, her voice so full of sympathy and pity that Erin cringes. "Some bruises, and you might be a little sore for a few days, but everything will heal on its own."

"Told you," she retorts, but it's weak and thin.

"Erin-"

"Please don't," Erin rasps. Her whole body is shaking. She doesn't know how to get it to stop. "Just please don't."

"Okay," Natalie says, and they sit in silence until the trembling stops.

-o-o-

Erin isn't sure how long they stay in the small, windowless treatment space, but when Natalie wheels her back into her room, Jay is pacing back and forth. He looks frantic.

"Hi!" he gasps, running to her wheelchair, then stopping short. "Sorry. I just - I didn't know where you were, and Will said he hadn't seen you, and then the nurses thought-"

"Just went for a walk," Natalie says breezily, and Erin breathes a sigh of relief. "Sorry, we should have let you know."

Jay still looks panicked. "I thought-" he shakes his head. "Sorry." He kneels down before her, eyes searching hers.

Erin smiles. She gets it.

"I'm fine," she promises. "All good."

He studies her face, and she wonders if he can see the tear tracks, if he somehow knows what just happened. But he smiles and rubs his thumb against her cheek, and she relaxes.

"I brought you some clothes," Jay says, as Natalie helps her out of the wheelchair. "And your iPad, and some Frangos."

And daisies, she notices. A huge, colorful bouquet sits on the windowsill.

"Thank you," she whispers, and he grins and winks.

Natalie reconnects the chest tube and pats Erin's shoulder. "I'll come check on you later," she says.

"Natalie," Erin calls after her. "When can I go home?"

Because the sooner she can get out of here, the sooner things can get back to normal. The sooner she can move on, get back to work, forget about this whole thing.

Natalie hesitates. "I think the pulmonologist wanted the chest tube to stay in for another 24 hours."

"But the last scan was fine," Erin pleads. "Come on, you don't need me taking up a bed. And I'll get more rest at home."

"I'll talk to him," Natalie finally agrees.

She expects Jay to argue with her after Natalie leaves. Instead, he climbs into the bed beside her, propping a spare pillow behind his head.

"Okay," he says, pulling out her iPad. "I downloaded a whole bunch of movies, but I also thought we could start a new TV show, since _you_ are going to have a lot binge-watching time." He scrolls through the apps, logs in to Netflix. "Will recommended this spy show called _The Americans_ , but apparently it's in Russian or something, so...I guess it depends on how much you feel like paying attention. And Nina told me you'd like some show called _Unreal_. And of course, there's always Hawks highlights..."

Erin laughs, relieved at the normalcy. "Isn't Unreal about, like, The Bachelor?"

"Hmmm. I don't know."

"Lots of hot girls in that one," she teases.

"I know nothing about that," Jay says playfully.

She curls up against him, letting his body warm hers. "Let's do it then. Wouldn't want to deprive you of hot girls."

He kisses her forehead. "I don't think you ever need to worry about that."

-o-o-

They're four episodes in when Voight stops by. Erin immediately pauses the show and pulls away from Jay, sitting up a little straighter.

She's cold without him. Her ribs burn, and her head throbs. She'd kill for something stronger than Tylenol.

"Hey, kid," Hank says uncomfortably. "You look better."

"Thanks," Erin says. "I feel good."

That's not exactly true, but whatever. And Hank clearly doesn't believe her, but he lets it go.

He pulls a chair up to Erin's bedside, and she can't help flinching a little. For a few hours, cuddled up next to Jay watching a silly soap opera, she'd almost forgotten everything going on.

Almost.

"Mouse has gone through Bryce Carver's laptop," Voight tells them with no preamble, and Erin has to focus to suppress the visceral reaction that ripples through her at the sound of _his_ name. She knows Jay can feel it, because he glances at her worriedly, but he doesn't say anything.

"He had photos of Maddie, taken before the kidnapping. Some in her mother's apartment."

Erin clenches her fingers into a fist, shakes her head. Melanie Carrens makes Bunny look like mother of the year.

And she should have known that. She should have pressed Maddie's horrible excuse for a parent harder that day, should have trusted her gut. Then they could have found the little girl sooner, and then Maddie wouldn't have had to spend three days in a basement, or be photographed with her clothes off, or witness a man being stabbed to death right in front of her.

Or - or seen what happened to her.

"We didn't find anything in their phones or email accounts," Jay says, when Erin doesn't respond. "We went through all that stuff when-"

When they were looking for _her_. When she was stupid enough to get herself kidnapped.

"We're not sure how he got the photos yet," Voight admits. "We're looking at hidden email accounts and servers. But we are working with the theory that the boyfriend connected with Carver somehow, set the whole thing up."

"What about the mother?" Erin asks through gritted teeth.

"So far, she's saying it was all the boyfriend."

"No," Erin says. "No way."

"We're holding her for now on child endangerment, and the OD alone gives us a solid case," Voight says, patting her hand. "We're looking for more. Olinsky and Antonio are still working her right now."

"And the other men?" Jay asks. "The guys who were with Carver at the bar?"

"In the wind," Voight says reluctantly. "We're still trying to ID them. Hoping Melanie Carrens can help on that, but she's not saying anything."

"I want someone outside the Reiners' house," Erin says, suddenly feeling panicked. What if this whole thing isn't over? "What if they come back for her?"

"We have no reason to think they will," Voight says, his voice placating. "It's a big risk for them to come back and take out a five-year-old witness."

"We don't know anything about their operation!" Erin says angrily. Her heart is beating faster now, her head spinning. "She can ID them!"

"Okay," Voight concedes. "I'll post an unmarked outside their place."

"I want it now," she says desperately. "I mean, what if that mother tries to finish her off, or tracks her down, or, or, something, I-"

"I'm texting Antonio now to set it up," Voight says, holding up his phone to show her. "But the mother's in our custody. She's not gonna get to Maddie."

Erin settles back against the pillows. Her head is killing her, and she's suddenly feeling nauseous and weak.

"What if you don't find them?" she asks. "How is Maddie supposed to feel safe again?"

"Kids are resilient," Voight reminds her. "She'll be okay."

Erin shakes her head. She certainly doesn't feel safe, so how could Maddie?

-o-o-

She can feel Jay and Voight having a silent conversation over her. She ignores it. Focuses on breathing, on remaining calm.

It's becoming harder to do.

"I talked to Dr. Rhodes," Voight says suddenly. "You're on medical leave for three weeks, till the cast comes off. Then desk duty till the the doc clears you. He said you might need some PT and you'll have to requalify with your gun."

Erin nods. There's no point protesting, and she doesn't have the energy to do it.

But the thought of spending three weeks sitting alone in her apartment makes her already queasy stomach flip.

She grips the side of the hospital bed with her good hand, trying to stifle this anxious feeling building inside of her.

"And medical leave means off, Erin," Voight says. "Not working the case from home."

Erin shrugs. "Okay." What Hank doesn't know won't kill him.

"I mean it," he says. "I want you home, resting. You've had two bad concussions in the last two years, it can lead to all sorts of problems."

"I hear you," she says distantly. She focuses on the wall. If she looks at him, she'll lose it.

"Erin," Hank sighs, and she can hear him pleading with her. Can hear him trying, desperately, to get to her.

Hank's gotten her through every difficult situation in her life, since she was fourteen-years-old. He's been there for her through Charlie, through Bunny's abandonment, through heroin and homelessness and selling herself for food, through everything that happened to Teddy and through Nadia's death. He knows her darkest secrets and her deepest pain - more than Jay, more than anyone. He's been the one person she could go to, the one person who understood, who forgave her, who never judged her.

The one who fixed everything. Who made everything okay.

But she knows he can't make this okay. Only she can do that.

"Three weeks," she says, barely glancing at him. "I got it."

Hank is silent for a long time. "Whatever you need, you know," he finally says, and he sounds like he might cry. "You just let me know. Anything at all."

The tears prickle at the corners of her eyes, but she swallows them hard. "Thanks, Hank."

He waits for a few minutes, as if she might talk to him, might tell him something. When she doesn't, he clears his throat and gets up. "I'm gonna head back to the district," he says, and she can hear the pain in his voice.

There's just nothing she can do about it.

"Okay," she says, offering a weak smile.

"I'll come see you tomorrow," he promises.

She nods, watching him walk away.

-o-o-

"Do you want to watch another episode?" Jay asks, after Voight has left.

She does. She wants to watch trashy TV and disappear under a big thick blanket, possibly forever. She wants to sit on her beautiful, functional couch in Jay's arms and never, ever get up.

She wants to get back the feeling of safety, of _normalcy_ , that she had before Voight's visit.

But she's feeling nauseous and shaky and panicked. Her stomach is aching and she's certain she's going to vomit. She's having trouble getting a full breath in.

"Hey," she says, inching ever so slightly away from Jay. "Can you go get Dr. Manning?"

"Are you okay?" Jay says, a little too quickly. He's watching her closely, worry in his eyes.

"I'm fine," she says, giving him a smile. "I just want to know when we can go home. It's getting late."

"Are you sure?" Jay presses.

"Yes," she says. "Please? Jay. I just want to get out of here."

He looks stricken. She can tell he doesn't believe her, but finally, he climbs off the bed.

"Yeah," he says, his face confused and sad and scared. "I'll - I'll be right back."

As soon as he's gone, she rolls herself out of the bed, moaning out loud at the pain in her ribs and head. Shaking, she manages to disconnect the chest tube from the machine it's hooked up to. She trips over the IV, and struggles to move the pole - it's too difficult, and so instead she rips the needle out of her hand.

She stumbles into the bathroom, gasping for air, tears flooding her vision. Her legs give out, and she collapses against the door.

She can't breathe. The entire universe is closing in on her, assaulting her, and she can't fight it off.

She's never had a panic attack like this before. It's like she's lost control of her body, of her brain. She is certain, one hundred percent, totally convinced, that she is about to die.

She curls up into a ball on the linoleum. Her head is spinning. She's wheezing, choking, losing her mind.

Desperate, terrified, she bites into her arm, clenching her jaw until her teeth break the skin.

A loud noise echoes through her head, and she presses her face into the cold hard floor.

No. No. No.

The banging increases in volume, pounding against her brain. "Erin!"

The voice is far away. She isn't sure it's real.

She tries to crawl away from the door, away from the pounding and the noise and the pain, but there's nowhere to go.

"Erin!" Jay calls. "Erin, please! Open the door, Erin!"

But she can't.

-o-o-


	7. Chapter 7

Hi everyone! I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but thank you all for your lovely reviews! I'm so glad to hear so many of you are enjoying this story. I think Erin has a very long way to go...but I don't think Jay is going anywhere, so there's that!

Enjoy!

-o-o-

Jay unlocks the door to their apartment and holds it open for Erin. She shuffles in slowly, good hand pressed to her ribs - she's walking a little easier than yesterday, but she still looks terrible, her shoulders hunched, her gait pained, her face pale.

He hadn't slept at all the previous night, so he knows that she didn't either. The hospital had insisted on keeping her after her...breakdown. She'd halfheartedly tried to protest, but she'd been pretty exhausted and shaken up. He'd been relieved when she'd given in easily.

He doesn't think he'll ever forget the terror of those moments - of standing outside the bathroom door while she screamed, of not being able to get in and help her.

Of the sight of her, curled up in the corner, blood staining her white hospital gown, totally hysterical.

It had taken nearly half an hour for him and Natalie to calm her down, to get her out of there.

She still hasn't said a word about it.

He closes the front door behind her, sets her bag on the ground. Watches her limp towards the couch, coat still on.

"You want some coffee?" he asks, not used to feeling so ill at ease in their home. "I can make grilled cheese, I thought?"

She smiles at him, tentatively lowering herself onto the couch. "Coffee would be great," she says. Her voice is scratchy and painful, and he can still hear the echoes of her screams.

She hadn't even been saying anything. Just screaming: panicked, desperate, agonizing wails. It was like she wasn't even there, like she had no idea what was happening.

He'd tried everything he could think of to calm her down, but it was like she couldn't even hear him. Every time he got too close, she lashed out, kicking her legs and flailing her broken arm.

He hadn't quite been able to believe that she hadn't reinjured something.

"Erin, you've gotta eat," he says now, watching her grimace as she eases her body back against the armrest.

"I will," she promises him. "I'm just not that hungry right now. But you should eat."

He doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how to argue with her, how to help her.

When they'd finally, finally gotten her out of that horrible bathroom, she'd passed out on the bed for nearly an hour. She hadn't even stirred when they'd brought in a portable x-ray machine to check her ribs. When she'd finally woken up, it was like nothing had happened.

She'd apologized for making him worry. Smiled and kissed him and promised him that she was fine, that it was nothing. Told Natalie and Dr. Charles that it was just a panic attack, nothing to worry about, she'd had them before. That it was probably caused by the pain, and maybe she really should take something slightly stronger.

She'd been calm, and in control, and normal. And that had utterly terrified him.

-o-o-

He brings two grilled cheese sandwiches back to the couch, sets one on the coffee table in front of her.

"That was Sammi Reiner," she says, holding up the brand new phone Voight had brought to the hospital the day before. "She said that Maddie's been having some trouble adjusting. She's been asking for me."

She's already trying to get herself off the couch, barely suppressing a moan as she does.

"Erin," he sighs. "Just sit for a few minutes, okay? We just got home."

"I wanna go over there," she says. "They're only a few blocks away."

"Okay," he placates. "I'll drive you, but please, sit for a little bit first. Please."

It feels wrong and uncomfortable and unfair, talking to her like this. Treating her like a child. But she feels so fragile right now, so lost.

"I'm fine," she says, cupping her hand against his cheek. "I promise, Jay."

He nods. He doesn't believe her, not for a second. "I just want you to try and eat something, okay?"

He hands her one of the grilled cheese sandwiches. She looks like he's given her a plate of live worms.

"Do you want something else?" he tries. "We've got that cinnamon bun ice cream. Or we could order something. I think that-"

"Jay," she sighs. "It's just all the medication, okay? I'm just not-"

"You haven't eaten in days," he says, hoping her doesn't sound as desperate as he feels. "Please? I just want you to try, okay? Maybe it'll help you feel better."

She swallows hard, but takes the plate from him and takes a small bite. "It's good," she says, giving him a tiny smile that he thinks is intended to be reassuring.

He eats his own grilled cheese sandwich. He's so stressed he can barely taste it, but at least it's some sort of nutrition.

He hasn't talked to Voight since last night's incident, except to tell him that the hospital was keeping her one more night. Hasn't talked to anyone. He knows they're all back at the district now, turning the city upside down to figure out who else is a part of this.

Voight had texted him earlier, told him to take the day off and make sure Erin settled in at home. As he glances over at her, picking at her sandwich and jumping at every noise from the ancient radiator or the hallway or him, he wonders if he should ask for tomorrow off too.

Maybe the rest of the week. Or till she comes back to work. Or maybe just until this sick feeling in his stomach goes away.

She's recovering from something traumatic, he reminds himself. She went through a terrible experience, but she's fine. Or she's going to be fine.

He just wishes he could believe it.

-o-o-

Maddie nearly tackles Erin as soon as they walk in the front door.

"Maddie!" Jay can't help scolding, as Erin grimaces. "You have to be careful! Erin's still hurt."

But Erin slowly, painfully kneels down and wraps her arms around the little girl tightly.

She glares at him. He backs off.

"I thought you didn't want to see me anymore," Maddie says quietly. She's clutching Erin like a favorite doll, like if she lets go, Erin might disappear.

Jay knows how she feels.

"Of course I do, sweetheart," Erin murmurs in her ear. "I couldn't wait to see you."

"But I thought - because of the man, because he…" Maddie whimpers.

"No," Erin says quickly. "No, Maddie, it wasn't your fault, okay? Nothing was your fault."

She glances at Jay as she says it, her eyes apprehensive.

He doesn't understand.

"Maddie, you wanna show me your new room?" Erin asks, slowly pushing herself into a standing position. The movement looks difficult and painful, and he hovers a few feet away, not sure if he should help.

Maddie's whole face brightens. "Yeah," the little girl says, taking Erin's hand. "It's yellow and green, and there's another monkey!"

"Oh, yeah?" Erin says. She throws Jay a smile as the two disappear down the hallway.

-o-o-

"Detective Halstead, can I get you some coffee or tea?" Sammi Reiner asks.

"Oh," Jay says. He hasn't moved from his spot, staring down the empty hallway. "Coffee would be great, thanks. And it's Jay, please."

Sammi leads him into the small, cozy kitchen, gesturing towards the table. "I have some cookies too, if you want, and I'm happy to make something-"

"Please, I'm fine," Jay says, recognizing her nerves. "Coffee sounds wonderful."

Sammi smiles, pulling a mug from the cabinet. "Seems like Maddie got pretty attached to Erin," she says.

"Yeah," Jay says. He's half-engaged in the conversation, half trying to listen down the hall.

He turns back to see Sammi standing over him, holding a full mug of coffee, an understanding look on her face. He smiles sheepishly. "Thanks," he says, taking the cup from her.

"How's she doing?" Sammi asks, sitting down beside him. "Detective Lindsay, I mean."

Jay doesn't know how to answer that. He shrugs. "I think she's mostly worried about Maddie," he admits. "You said she was having trouble adjusting?"

Sammi takes a sip of her own coffee. "I know she's been through a lot," Sammi says. "Not just the last week, but her whole life. I guess considering all that, she's doing very well. And it's only been a couple days."

"Yeah," Jay agrees. He has to keep reminding himself of that.

"I think she's just having a hard time trusting us," Sammi says. "And I also think…"

She hesitates for a second. Jay raises his eyebrow.

"I think she's used to being abandoned," Sammi finally says, her voice laced with anger and sadness. "And I just thought...if we could show her that Detective Lindsay hadn't abandoned her, then maybe...I don't know. I just want her to know that we're not going to abandon her either."

Jay nods sadly.

And then he wonders - does Erin know that _he's_ not going to abandon her?

-o-o-

He sleeps like the dead that night. He doesn't think he's ever been so exhausted in his entire life.

He's blissfully unconscious for a solid six hours, but when his bladder wakes him at 4:30 in the morning, he reaches for her and realizes that he's alone in the bed.

Dammit.

He finds her in the living room, huddled in the corner of the couch. It's warm in the apartment, but she's wearing his Blackhawks fleece over her flannel pajamas, and she's wrapped herself in a big wool blanket his mom had crocheted when she was sick. The iPad is propped against a pillow on her lap.

For a few seconds, he stands in the doorway, just watching her. In the eerie light of the device, the bruises on her face are sickly and green. She looks so tiny, so delicate.

He's so afraid she might shatter.

"Hey," he finally says, when it seems she's not going to look up and notice him.

She startles badly, nearly dropping the iPad.

"Sorry," he says, hands up, as if showing her he's not a threat.

"No," she gasps, grimacing in pain. "I - what are you doing up?"

He shrugs. "I missed you," he says, sitting beside her on the couch. "What are you watching?"

He assumes it's a movie - a mindless action flick, or maybe the rest of _Unreal_ , or that weird show she likes about clones that he can't quite follow. But when he comes around the couch and looks over her shoulder, he sees - the news?

"Is that - Syria?" he asks, confused.

"Yeah," she says sadly. "Have you seen what's going on in Aleppo?"

The question pulls him up short, just a little bit. Erin is brilliant and curious and well-read...but he's never known her to take an interest in current events, or international affairs. He didn't realize she'd been paying attention to the Syrian conflict at all.

He certainly hasn't. Ever since he'd come home from Afghanistan, he's avoided any and all coverage of war. He doesn't like the sight of bombed out buildings, can't bear hearing the sirens and the chaos and the screams of people digging through rubble. Doesn't like to hear victims and soldiers describing what they'd been through.

"Uh, no," he says, sitting down next to her. "I haven't."

He studies her face, trying to figure out what she's doing, what she's thinking. He realizes her battered cheeks are wet. "Erin," he whispers, reaching over to brush a tear away.

She shakes her head, shrugging away from him. "These poor kids," she says hoarsely. "It's all so senseless."

"Yeah," he says, because he's not sure what else to say.

He watches her, worry stirring in his stomach. Her eyes are fixated on the tiny screen, on the blood and carnage and destruction.

Gently, he pulls the tablet out of her hand, closes the cover. "Come on," he says, trying not to beg. "Come back to bed."

She nods. She avoids his eyes.

-o-o-

The whole team is already in the bullpen by the time he gets in. He'd been really hesitant to leave her - he'd procrastinated for nearly an hour, making scrambled eggs for breakfast and watching her pick at them. He'd chopped up some vegetables for lunch, tried to clean up the living room a bit. He'd been about to vacuum the apartment, just to make sure, just in case she wanted to lie down on the carpet or anything, when she'd kicked him out.

"I'm fine," she'd promised, although he could see through the mask. "You're late."

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay?" he'd asked. "I can call out, if you want? We could just chill out and watch some movies? Maybe-"

"I'm fine," she'd said again, smiling at him. Big and fake. "Go to work, Jay." She'd kissed him gently, pulling away too fast. "If you don't go, I can't start binge watching Orphan Black. And I know you don't want to do _that_ with me."

He'd tried to come up with a joke, a comeback, but all he could do was press his lips to her forehead, hold her close for just a moment. "I'll call you later," he'd said, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

"I'll be okay," she'd whispered. "I promise."

Antonio spots him as he climbs the stairs. "Hey, man, welcome back," he calls, and everyone turns to look at him.

Ruzek comes over and gives him a hug. "How you doing?" he asks, with genuine concern.

Jay puts on a smile. "I'm okay."

"How's Lindsay doing?" Atwater asks.

Jay shrugs his jacket off and drapes it over the back of his chair, stalling. He knows he should say that she's fine, she's good. He knows he should tell their friends, their colleagues, that she's healing, that she's feeling better.

And he tries. He looks up at all their hopeful, concerned faces, and tries to cover, to sound hopeful. But it's too hard. He shakes his head, avoiding anyone's eyes. "She's, uh...she's…"

The truth is, he doesn't even know what he could say. That they kept her in the hospital for an extra day, not because the pulmonologist had wanted to leave the chest tube in a little longer, but because she'd had the most terrifying panic attack he'd ever seen? That she won't eat anything? That instead of sleeping last night she'd stayed up watching news stories about children being blown apart in the Middle East? That she flinches every time he touches her?

His friends look sympathetic, worried. Antonio pats him on the back. "She'll be okay, man," he says. "Probably just shaken up. Concussions can really mess with you."

Jay nods, tries to make himself agree. "Yeah," he says. "She'll be okay."

-o-o-

Ruzek, Atwater, Antonio, and Olinsky head out to talk to a few CIs - they're still trying to figure out who tipped off Carver - but Voight asks him to stay back.

"How's she really doing?" his boss asks, once the rest of the team has filed out.

Jay sighs. This feels uncomfortably like the last time they had this conversation - before Erin had volunteered herself to meet with Carver, before a thousand horrible things had happened.

"She's not so good," he admits. "I don't - I'm not sure what to do."

"What's going on?" Voight says gruffly, but his eyes betray his worry.

Jay tries to decide what to say, how much to tell. Erin had barely spoken to Voight in the hospital, and she'd spent much of her first day home ducking his calls. He wants to be loyal to her, but…

"She had a panic attack in the hospital," he admits. "Really - scary. She was...somewhere else, I don't know. And now...she's not sleeping. She's jumpy, she's...and she's pretending everything's fine. She won't tell me anything."

Voight looks concerned, but he says, "That's how she copes with things."

Jay rubs his forehead. He knows that. He knows Erin hides things, knows she shuts down when you push her too hard, knows she deals with painful things by burying them. He watched how she coped with Nadia.

"When I first met Erin, she'd been through hell and back," Voight says contemplatively. "She was 14. Scrappy little kid, way too skinny, way too old for her age. Bunny was...I mean, who knows. Erin was living on the street."

Hearing this hurts. Because he can see it so clearly, can see how wounded and vulnerable she would have been.

"But the thing was, she wouldn't tell me," Voight says, his eyes focused intensely on Jay. "I thought they were living in this shitty one-bedroom in Gage Park. I thought she was going to school - that's what she told me. And I thought she was with Bunny."

"But she wasn't," Jay says slowly.

Voight shakes his head. "She was sleeping rough...sometimes with friends, for a while at Charlie's. That's when Teddy disappeared. She got picked up for solicitation once - didn't even call me."

"So what are you saying?" Jay asks.

"I'm saying...when things are really bad, Erin hides it. It's a survival thing. You saw what she did with Nadia."

Jay swallows hard. "Do you think there's something she's not telling us?" he asks, his voice barely audible. "Do you think something else happened?"

Voight doesn't answer. But his face says it all.

-o-o-

He wakes up in the middle of the night to Erin sobbing. For a second, disoriented in the darkness, he thinks that maybe it's a dream, that he's reliving the panic attack she had in the hospital, or the nightmare she had the day Maddie was kidnapped.

When he finally manages to wake up, he finds Erin curled up in a ball beside him, crying. "Close your eyes, Maddie," she wails. "No, don't. Don't look!"

"Erin," he says, shaking her hesitantly.

"No!" she sobs. "No, don't. Please. Maddie, it's okay!"

She's not screaming, and somehow that makes it worse. He reaches over and switches on the light. "Erin, please," he begs, tangling his hands in her hair, trying to figure out how to wake her without scaring her. "Baby, you're safe. Wake up, okay? Erin, you're okay. I've got you."

"Jay?" she chokes. "What?"

"It was just a dream," he says gently, kissing her forehead. She tenses, but finally relaxes and burrows into his chest.

She's shaking against him, but barely making a sound. He can feel her tears soaking through the T-shirt he fell asleep in.

"You're safe," he says, running his hands up and down her back. "Maddie's safe. It's all okay."

She pushes away, rubbing her hands across her eyes. "Sorry," she whispers.

"Don't be sorry," he says, missing her warmth.

She pulls his hand up to her lips and kisses it. "Go back to sleep," she says, her voice shaking. "I'm okay, I just need some water."

He watches her walk out of the room, heart aching.

-o-o-

When she doesn't come back to bed, he pulls on a sweatshirt and pads out into the living room. He can't find her at first, and he has a sudden moment of panic that she's left - that she's out wandering the freezing cold streets alone and defenseless.

But then he sees a foot sticking out behind the couch.

She's sitting on the rug, back propped against the side of the couch, a mug clutched between her hands. Her eyes are staring blankly out the sliding glass door, but she looks up at him and smiles.

"You should go back to sleep," she whispers. "You've gotta go to work in a few hours."

Jay ignores her, slides down to the floor beside her. Close but not too close. He glances at the mug in her hand, worried that there's more than coffee in it. Absently, she hands it to him, and he takes a sip, relieved to find that it's just cinnamon tea.

They sit in silence on the floor, sharing a mug of tea. Jay is exhausted, but something about the quiet and the darkness and her body beside him feels good. He leans his head back against the couch, letting her nearness relax him.

He's almost drifting off to sleep when she speaks. "The Reiners seem like good people, right?" she says.

It's so unexpected that he can't help startling a little bit. She's not looking at him, but she's holding the mug like a teddy bear, pressed to her chest.

"Yeah," he says gently, not sure where this is coming from. "They seem great."

Erin nods, like she's trying to convince herself. "Yeah. I think she'll be okay."

"She's gonna be fine," Jay says, studying her face. He reaches over to take the empty mug from her hands, and she finally looks at him. Her eyes are brimming with unshed tears. "Hey," he says softly. "Baby, the Reiners seem fantastic. They're gonna be great for Maddie."

"Yeah," she says quietly. "It seems like she got really lucky."

The "for once" goes unspoken.

When she doesn't say anything else, Jay manages to whisper, "Were you ever in foster care?"

He's not sure how she's going to react, but all she does is cock her head slightly. "No," she says finally. "Not unless you count Hank and Camille."

He thinks that's all she's going to say, but then she finally whispers, "After that time I was in a group home...it was pretty bad. So when they finally sent me home with Bunny, I just knew that anything was better than that."

"Anything?" Jay asks, his voice small.

She shrugs. "Maddie's really lucky," she says, so quietly he can barely hear her. "Most kids - I knew people who were in homes with three kids sleeping in a twin bed. The family was just trying to collect a check. I knew a kid whose foster parents hit him. So...Bunny, in a lot of ways, didn't seem so bad."

He's afraid to press his luck, but she's talking now, so he decides to try. "You said once that she disappeared for a while."

Erin smiles sadly. "She used to disappear all the time. But she was gone for about a year and a half. I was fourteen, fifteen I guess."

"Where'd you live?" he asks. He's barely breathing.

Erin leans her head back against the couch. "On the street," she says, like it's a fact. Like it's nothing. "There was always a sort of camp for homeless teens under the overpass."

He knows it. But it feels like a punch in the gut to hear Erin describe herself as a homeless teen.

He thinks he lets out a little gasp, because she turns to him, finally meeting his eyes. She doesn't look sad at all, just - matter-of-fact.

"But not always," she says. "Sometimes I stayed with friends. I lived with Charlie for a while. And it wasn't always so bad."

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Jay asks carefully. "Why didn't you ask for help?"

She really thinks about it.

"I don't know," she says finally. She looks so lost. "I just - didn't."

She leans against him, and he pulls her into a hug. He's relieved when she doesn't pull away.

"You're the toughest person I've ever known," he says, kissing her hair.

He once said that to the detectives at SVU, in New York, when they were searching for her brother. He feels like maybe it's more important that she hear it.

"I'm not," she says sadly, but she burrows closer into his chest.

They stay there, cuddled together on the floor, watching the sun rise.

And he thinks that maybe they've just had a breakthrough. Maybe it really will be okay.

-o-o-


	8. Chapter 8

Erin is dozing on the couch when the knock on the door startles her awake.

She's been mostly sleeping during the day. Once she'd realized that the nightmares were scaring the hell out of Jay, she'd started staying up all night. She sits on the couch and searches for Al Jazeera or BBC updates on the fighting in Syria - she knows Jay can't stand seeing news clips of war, but she can't seem to stop. Sometimes she reads newspaper articles - usually about fighting in the Congo and gang violence in Honduras and hit squads in the Philippines and children starving to death in Yemen.

She isn't sure why. It definitely isn't the kind of reading she was drawn to before. But now - it's soothing, in a twisted way. It reminds her that things aren't so bad.

And it certainly keeps her awake.

The knocking sounds again, and she presses herself into the corner of the couch, pulling the blanket up to her chin, panic welling in her throat. Her gun is all the way in the bedroom, and she still can't move very fast.

"Erin?" a voice calls. "It's just me."

She nearly collapses with relief, but the panic returns almost immediately. She considers ignoring the knocking, but then - that might make it worse.

She can envision the whole team showing up, banging the door down.

Grimacing, she pulls herself off the couch. Her head throbs as she makes her slow, uncomfortable way to the door and opens it a crack.

Kim's hand is raised to knock again. "Hi!" she says instead. "Hi! I wasn't sure you were home. Were you - were you sleeping?"

"Yeah," Erin says. She's still groggy and disoriented...and _scared_ , and angry that she's scared of a freaking knock on her front door. "What are you doing here?"

She has no idea what time it is, but it's light out, which means that Kim should definitely be at work.

"Oh!" Kim says. She looks like a deer caught in the headlights, and it's freaking Erin out. "I came to bring you lunch!" She holds up a paper bag, and Erin's stomach turns unpleasantly.

She searches the pocket of her - well, Jay's - sweatshirt for her phone, but it's not there. "What time is it?" she asks.

"Uh...1:13!" Kim says. She's way too loud, way too cheerful.

"You just left in the middle of the day to bring me _lunch_?" Erin demands incredulously. "Kim, you can't do that! Everyone's going to think it's weird!"

"They didn't," Kim says, looking strangely hurt.

"You have to act normal!" Erin hisses. She closes her eyes, pressing two fingers to her temple. The stress is making her already-throbbing headache worse.

"No one thought it was weird," Kim says defensively. "It was a slow day, and - and Jay was going to call you and I said, why don't I just bring you lunch?"

Erin's ribs ache and her head is pounding and she just can't keep standing. She turns back towards the couch. Kim takes it as an invitation and follows her in, closing the door behind her.

"I brought Portillo's," Kim says, hovering anxiously beside Erin as she limps into the living room. It's making her feel claustrophobic. "I wasn't sure if you wanted a chocolate shake or vanilla, so I just got both."

"I had a late breakfast," Erin grunts. She curls back into her corner, barely suppressing a gasp as her ribs pull.

Kim looks worried. "Oh. Okay. Well - maybe you could save some of this for dinner? What'd you - do you cook? I always wish I could make good breakfasts, but I suck at it. Like, my sister makes these really good omelettes, and whenever we have brunch at her house, it's like-"

"Chocolate," Erin sighs. "I'll have the chocolate shake."

Kim lights up. "Sure!" she says, digging through the bag. "Chocolate it is."

-o-o-

"So how are you?" Kim finally asks awkwardly. She's digging the dregs of her fries out of the packet, slurping the remaining bits of her milkshake. Erin has made it through two sips of her own shake - but she's kept the straw in her mouth and pretended to drink, just in case Kim is reporting back to Jay.

Or Voight.

Even the two sips are making her nauseous.

"I'm good," Erin says brightly, nodding to punctuate her point. "Feeling much better."

"That's good," Kim says, but she still looks worried.

"Yeah," Erin says. "Yeah, the cast comes off in about a week and a half, and then I'll be back at work. My ribs are almost healed...I told you, I'm fine."

She smiles. Hard. Cheerfully.

Kim sighs. "I thought that - maybe we could talk?" she says hesitantly. "I know that you don't want to tell anyone, and I promise you, I haven't said anything, and I won't...but I thought it might help to just…"

Erin can feel her throat tightening just slightly, can feel the beginnings of a panic attack. She takes a deep, slow breath, bites her lip, digs her nails into her palm. Anything to fight it off.

"Nothing to talk about," she says through gritted teeth, pasting a smile on her face.

"I just - I know that after I was shot, it really helped to be able to, like-"

"Kim," Erin bites. Her heart is pounding, her hands shaking. She sets the mostly-full milkshake on the coffee table. "Stop it."

Kim finally stops babbling and turns to look at her. "Are you okay?" she asks. "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"I'm. Fine," Erin says. She takes another breath, finds she can't get a full one in.

"I'm sorry," Kim says. "Shhh, just take a deep breath." She scoots closer to Erin on the couch, puts a hand on her back.

Erin can't help it - she recoils harshly, pain ricocheting through her still-healing ribs. She can't suppress a strangled scream.

"Erin!" Kim gasps. "Erin!"

But all Erin can do is curl into a ball and bite down on her hand and wait for it to pass.

-o-o-

Jay doesn't say a thing about her panic attack when he gets home that evening, and Erin hopes that means Kim has kept her word about keeping quiet.

She's still sitting on the couch. She's barely moved since Kim left hours earlier, except to vomit the two sips of milkshake into the toilet. She's brushed her teeth three times since then, and she hopes he doesn't smell it on her breath.

He sits beside her cautiously, very slowly wraps an arm around her shoulders. She's so on and off these days that she never knows if she's going to be able to handle him touching her - and she knows he realizes that. But since the panic attack, she's craving his arms around her. She _needs_ him.

She snuggles into his side, wrapping her good arm around his chest. He seems to breathe a sigh of relief, and holds her tighter.

Suddenly, tears are pricking at her eyes, and she can't seem to stop them. She chokes back a sob.

"Hey," Jay says, confused. "Hey, hey, Erin." He kisses her temple, rocking her gently.

"I'm sorry," she chokes. It's so frustrating to have absolutely no control over her emotions. "I don't know what - I'm fine. I don't know."

"You don't have to be fine," Jay whispers. "You can be whatever you are."

She buries her face in his chest, clinging on for dear life. He's way too good for her.

-o-o-

A week before she goes back to work, Jay comes home with Voight in tow.

She hasn't seen him since that day in the hospital. She's been dodging his calls, replying to his texts with vague reassurances. The sight of him in her living room now makes her heart pound.

"Hey, kid," he says, smiling at her as she stops short in the doorway. "I - Jay invited me for dinner."

"Oh," she says, glaring at Jay. He shrugs, then turns back towards the refrigerator, where he's pulling out ingredients. "Well. Okay."

She takes a seat on the opposite end of the couch, uncomfortably stiff.

"I'm going to make that chicken dish," Jay calls from the kitchen, interrupting a thick silence. "Uh, with the tomatoes?"

"Thanks, Jay," Erin says shortly.

"Does anyone want a beer?" Jay calls, when the silence continues. "Or...we have some wine, I think?"

"I'll have a beer," Voight says.

Jay brings out an open Sam Adams, and Erin is struck by both the weirdness and the normalcy of this scenario. Her - Voight, sitting on their couch, drinking a beer, while her boyfriend cooks a family dinner.

Once upon a time, it might have made her happy. Now, it just makes her throat tighten with fear.

-o-o-

"So," Voight says, finally. Erin is curled up in the corner of the couch, as far away from him as she can get.

"How've you been?" Erin asks quickly, before he can say anything more. "It's been - a while."

He smiles at her sadly, and she has to look away. "How are _you?_ " he asks. "You look better."

She nods quickly. She can do this. "I feel a lot better. I'm really looking forward to coming back."

"Hmm," he says, inscrutable. "Cast comes off next week?"

"Yeah," she says. "On Thursday, actually. And my ribs feel great-" well, that might be a slight overstatement - "and the headaches are totally gone." And that's a flat-out lie. But whatever.

Voight studies her face like he's reading her soul. She has to look away.

"And the nightmares?" he asks, and she takes a quick shaky breath. "Those gone too?"

She doesn't know if Jay told him or if he just knows - remembers those long nights after she'd moved in with him and Camille. But it doesn't matter. She carefully schools her face. "They've been better," she lies. "I've been sleeping pretty well, actually."

She forces herself not to look towards the kitchen, not to check if Jay's listening and disagreeing.

Voight nods slowly, then sighs. He looks shattered, and it hurts. "You can still talk to me, you know?" he says, his voice low enough that only she can hear. "I know that - I know I broke your trust. With Justin. But I'm still here for you. No matter what. You know that, right?"

She blinks furiously at the tears. Because she _can't_ talk to him - he's been hurt too badly already, and she can't make it worse. She can't handle the look on his face.

"I know," she says finally. "But I'm okay. I promise. I just...needed some time."

His brows are knit in an expression of concern she knows all too well, and she's not sure he's buying it. But finally, he gives her a small smile and then holds his arms open for a hug.

She tries not to flinch as she accepts.

-o-o-

"Erin, watch this!" Maddie yells.

"I'm watching!" Erin calls back, wrapping her coat tighter around her. It's freezing on this playground, but the hoards of children screeching and running through don't seem to notice.

Maddie leaps onto the monkey bars, her eyes set with determination. Erin watches, unable to stop the smile that spreads across her face as the little girl grips one bar, then the next, then the next.

"We're gonna sign her up for gymnastics classes," Sammi Reiner says. "Lainie DVR'ed every minute of the Olympics last summer, and she's been showing her some of it. Maddie's been jumping around the house pretending to be Simone Biles."

Erin can't believe how lucky Maddie is to have found this woman, this family. She nods, trying to blink back the tears. "She'll love it," she says, her voice hoarse.

"I hope so," Sammi says. "She's got a lot of energy, that kid."

"Did you see that?" Maddie calls excitedly.

"That was great, sweetie!" Erin says, giving her a thumbs up.

Maddie races off to the swings, and Erin turns back to the little girl's foster mom. "Thank you," she says. "She seems - she seems like she's doing really well."

"I think she is," Sammi says with a smile. "She has nightmares a lot, but - you know, kids are resilient. And we just - we want her to feel like this is normal, and this is how it's always gonna be, you know? Like it's not ever going back to how it was before, and she doesn't ever need to think about it again."

Erin nods, watching Maddie swing. She waves exuberantly, and Erin waves back.

If Maddie can stay here, in this happy bubble, then maybe she can have normal. Maybe she can be a normal kid, have a normal life, and everything that happened to her will just fade into distant memories.

She wonders what would have happened if someone had found her when she was five, instead of fifteen. Would she have ended up here?

"Erin," Sammi interrupts her reverie. "How are you doing?"

"Great," Erin says. "Cast comes off tomorrow, and then I'm going back to work." It's been close to three weeks, and the endless hours of sitting around the house and staring at the walls have become oppressive.

"That's good," Sammi says, but Erin can hear the worry in even _her_ voice. This woman who barely knows her - doesn't know her at all, outside of their shared connection to Maddie.

"Yeah," Erin says firmly, her eyes focused on Maddie. "I'm ready to go back."

"If you ever wanna…" Sammi starts. "Look, I know you don't know me very well. But you're important to Maddie, so you're important to me. And if you ever wanna talk, about anything…"

A wave of panic suddenly washes over Erin, and she turns to look at Sammi, eyes wide with terror.

 _What if Maddie told her?_

"What?" Erin gasps. "What did - did Maddie say anything?"

Sammi looks confused. "I - I just know that Maddie's been having nightmares?" she says hesitantly. "She hasn't told me much, she just says that the scary man hurt you. So…"

Erin manages to nod. Her hands are shaking.

"Thank you," she says unsteadily. "I'm okay - I think...it was really scary for Maddie, but...I'm okay."

She nods again, firmly, watching as Lainie tries to teach Maddie to do a cartwheel.

She just needs to go back to work. And then everything will be back to normal.

-o-o-

"Hey," Jay says hesitantly, leaning in the door of their bedroom.

She smiles at him, easing herself off the bed and making her way over to him. "Hi," she says, leaning in to kiss him. "I missed you."

She can feel his surprise, but he kisses her back.

She pulls away before the kiss can go any further, heart pounding. "How was your day?" she asks.

He wraps his arms around her, pulling her into his chest. She gasps, her whole body tensing.

Jay immediately lets go, taking a step back. He looks horrified.

 _Shit_. She has to learn to control this, at least until it goes away. "My ribs," she manages, faking a smile and playing up the pain. "Sorry, you just...hit a sore spot, I guess."

Jay doesn't look convinced.

"Jay, I promise," she says. She tries to laugh. Normal, normal, normal. Everything is normal.

He sighs. "Can we talk?" he says softly, and Erin's heart pounds in her chest.

Since they got home from the hospital, Jay has not pushed her to talk. She's had relentless, oppressive offers from Kim, from Voight, from Antonio and Olinsky, from Sammi Reiner, from Natalie, even from Platt, who'd left her an epic voicemail after she'd gotten home. But Jay has just quietly, patiently been there.

Until now, apparently. She should have realized.

She manages to nod. "I'm sorry," she chokes. "I - it's okay."

"What?" Jay says.

"I know that - things have been...if you don't want to…" She takes a shaky breath. "It's okay."

"Erin," Jay says firmly. "I'm not leaving."

She stares at him blankly.

"I'm not leaving," he says again. "I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving. Okay?"

Mute, she nods.

He takes her hand and leads her back to the bed, pulling her down beside him. "You know that...some things happened. While I was in Afghanistan."

She raises her eyebrow, confused. That's not what she was expecting. "Yeah?"

He runs his thumb gently along her cheekbone. The bruises are gone now, although her head still hurts on a fairly constant basis. "You once told me that if I ever needed help carrying that, then all I had to do was ask," he says haltingly. "Um...and I want you to know...that…" He sighs, runs a hand across his face, then looks her dead in the eye. "Whatever you're carrying, I can help you with that too, okay?"

"Jay," she sighs, but he shakes his head.

"When I got home from Afghanistan, I lost it," he says, and she's so startled that she can barely move. "I can't point to a single day, or a single event that did it, but...I lost a lot of friends. Over two tours, six guys in my unit died. Eight more lost limbs. One of my closest friends went blind. There were a lot of firefights, lot of bombs…"

He drifts off for a second, which is good, because Erin's having trouble breathing.

"Um...but you know, nothing happened to me. And I think...part of me felt guilty about that. And I got home, and I went to all these memorials, and I went to see all these wives...kids who were going to grow up without their dads, and it was like, what am I still doing here? Why did they die and I'm still here, you know?"

"Jay," she whispers, but he shakes her off.

"I'm not - I know, okay? I know." He laces his fingers through hers, and she thinks it's supposed to reassure her, but it just makes the knot in her stomach clench. "I've worked through this. I promise. I just wanted you to know so you could - well, _I_ want to know, I guess. About everything that hurts you. So I thought you might want to know."

She nods, unable to speak through the tightness in her chest.

"I just want you to know that I've been there," he says. "I was in that hole. I spent months drinking, pushing people away, having nightmares. I thought about going back, just hoping that maybe this time I'd be the one to die."

Erin flinches at that, but nods.

"Sometimes I still have nightmares," he says. "I think I'm over it. I do. I talked to Will, and to Mouse. I talked to a therapist."

He pauses, but she doesn't react to that. She can't.

"But sometimes it sneaks up on me, you know?" he continues, finally. "Even when I tell myself that it's over, that I don't have to think about it anymore. Sometimes if I'm not expecting gunshots, I can't help flinching. Or…" He takes a deep breath, and she finally turns to look at him.

"Right before I moved in, the night you wanted to see that movie, and I told you I had some stuff to do at my apartment?" He swallows hard, tightening his grip on her hand. "I saw a little kid at the grocery store. Middle Eastern. Maybe a refugee, I don't know. But he had an eye patch, and I had a flashback to a kid in the Wakhan Corridor."

Jay looks up to the ceiling, and Erin almost can't handle it. "We were on a routine patrol, and we came upon a couple kids. Nine, ten maybe. They'd been out herding goats or something, and they'd picked up some unexploded ordinance - they thought it was a toy. It was always...shiny."

He stares off into space, reliving something. Erin doesn't know what to do, how to help him.

"One of the kids was already dead, but the other - half his face had been blown off, his arms were gone. Our medic took a look at him and said...nothing we could do. So he gave him some morphine, and he died in my arms."

Erin's shaking. Jay tentatively puts his arm around her, pulls her into a hug. She lets him hold her, not sure who needs it more.

"I don't want to lie to you," he says, tugging gently on her chin so that her eyes meet his. "I don't want to have to pretend I need to do laundry, or that Will needs me when I'm having a rough day. I don't want to hide."

She manages to nod, but her heart is beating too fast, her breathing too shallow.

"I want to know you," he says. "And I want you to know me. I want this to be more."

And she wants that too. But she isn't sure she can do what he's asking.

"You're right," she finally manages. "I do want to know you. And I'm glad you told me that. I am."

When she doesn't say anything else, he tries again, his voice faltering and hesitant. "I'm not - I don't want you to think I'm pressuring you to tell me about what happened that day. I just - I want you to know that I'm here."

She leans her head against his chest, listening to the calm, steady beat of his heart.

She knows. She does.

"Nothing to tell," she says hoarsely, keeping her face buried in his chest. "I'm good."

-o-o-


	9. Chapter 9

Hi guys! Thank you again a million times for your lovely reviews - it makes me feel so much better about the world! I hope you enjoy chapter nine!

-o-o-

He's not sure if having Erin back at work makes things better or worse.

On the one hand, it's a huge relief. It means he can keep an eye on her during the day, which means he can actually concentrate on his job.

It also means that, in a small way, things are back to normal. The cast has come off her arm, and the bruises have faded. Her ribs are no longer painful, and the headaches seem less severe, although just by watching her, he knows they're still very much present.

They're moving on. Moving forward. And Erin seems so thrilled and eager to be back at the office that he almost lets himself relax, and just be happy.

Except things are _not_ back to normal, as hard as Erin pretends. She's doing her best, but she can't hide from him.

He doesn't think she's sleeping at all. Every time he's woken up in the middle of the night, pretty much since she came home from the hospital, he's been alone in the bed. She's barely eating, despite his best efforts, and she's so thin it's starting to scare him.

And worst of all, she's so all over the place that he isn't ever sure what to do, or how to treat her. Every evening when he walks in the door, he has to take a minute to assess her emotional state, to try and determine whether it's okay to kiss her, to be normal.

Sometimes she clings to him, snuggling up in his arms. Sometimes she's loving and affectionate and sweet. She'll kiss him and run her hands through his hair, and things _almost_ feel normal. Almost.

And other days - or sometimes just a few minutes later - she recoils from his touch, flinching when he gets too close. Some days he tries to kiss her and her eyes go wide with panic and she backs herself into the nearest corner, as far away as she can get.

Sometimes her face goes blank, and he has no idea what she's remembering, what she's reliving.

He had hoped that talking to her about Afghanistan might help, might make her feel safe opening up to him. But it hasn't, and as the days and weeks have passed, he's become more and more convinced that the story Erin told about what happened in that basement, the official version chronicled in her statement, simply cannot be the truth.

He's tried to rationalize it. Tried to tell himself that maybe the incident opened up old childhood wounds, and now she's just trying to regain her equilibrium. He's told himself that with everything she's been through, with everything that she and Voight have told him, she can't be expected to deal with things in a way that he thinks of as normal.

But the more carefully he watches her, the more he realizes that there's more to it. That something terrible happened that day, something he hasn't allowed himself to think about.

He just can't.

And as much as he wants Erin to talk to him about it, he's terrified of the moment when she can no longer keep it hidden.

-o-o-

The team is happy to have her back, but he can see they're all cautious. She flinches when Ruzek steps up to give her a hug, and the rest of them exchange worried glances.

"Sorry," she says, blowing it off and backing away. "I'm used to sitting alone in my apartment staring at the wall." The joke falls flat, and he can see her panicking inside - he knows she believes that the whole team thinks everything is normal. He's not sure what it will do to her to know that's not true.

"It's good to have you back, Lindsay," Antonio says, wisely refraining from touching her.

"It's good to be back," she says. She backs right into her desk, and startles. "Sorry," she says, to no one. "Sorry."

She looks so uncomfortable and skittish that it's painful to watch her. Jay forces himself to focus on getting situated at his desk, though he aches to pull her into his arms and get her out of here.

"Burgess is going to get you caught up on all our open cases," Voight says from the doorway of his office. "You're on desk duty until Rhodes clears you and you pass your gun requalification."

Erin nods rapidly. "I have an appointment with him Friday."

Jay tries not to let this upset him.

Kim approaches with an armful of folders. "Let's go to the break room and go over these," she suggests.

Erin gives a half-hearted little wave to the team, like she doesn't know what to do, and follows Kim out of the bullpen.

The rest of the guys stand there, a little stunned.

"Let's get back to work," Voight says roughly. "Halstead, my office."

-o-o-

"She can't go back on active duty," Jay says, as soon as he's closed the door to Voight's office behind him. He knows he's being overprotective, knows she'd kill him for this, but she's his _girlfriend_. His partner. His everything. It's his job to protect her.

Voight looks like he agrees. But - "If the doc clears her and she passes the gun certification, there's not much I can do."

"You can tell her she has to talk to someone," Jay protests. "Tell her that that's a condition of her coming back to active duty."

Voight shakes his head ruefully. "It's not gonna work."

"Why not?" Jay says. "You're her boss. Tell her it's a condition of her return, she'll do it."

He's not so sure. But he thinks it's certainly worth a try.

"She's gonna see it as unfair," his boss points out. "You didn't have to see a therapist after you were kidnapped."

"That is-" Jay starts, but then stops himself. "Okay. Fine. What do _you_ think we should do?"

"I think we give her some time," Voight says. "Let her adjust to being back, let her get her life back to normal. Maybe what she needs is to just not be sitting at home alone watching bad TV."

He wants to agree. He really, really does. And maybe being back at work will really help Erin.

But he can't help thinking that diving back into work before she's resolved whatever's going on with her is just going to make it explode later on.

He sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose. Hard.

"I'm just - recording my objection," he says. As if that makes a difference.

"Noted," Voight says with a wry smile. "I'm keeping on eye on her."

Jay knows that. But it doesn't make him feel a whole lot better.

-o-o-

The team gets called out to a gang shooting by the lake - one of their former CIs. Erin watches a little enviously as they all head out, but she doesn't say a word.

When they get back, hours later, she's already got the board set up, and copies of the CI's file on everyone's desk. As she presents the background information to the team, gathered around her desk, Jay can't help but let out a breath - she looks so much like the old Erin that it makes his chest hurt.

Maybe this will be good for her, he thinks, as everyone disperses to carry out their assignments. Maybe it really was the isolation and the pain that made her so withdrawn and brittle.

He heads over to her, unable to keep from smiling at the sight of her sitting there, coffee mug in hand, folders spread across the surface.

"How's it going?" he asks, perching on the edge of her desk.

"Good," she says, smiling. "It's good to not be on the couch."

"I bet," he says, studying her face. The dark circles under her eyes are the size of baseballs, and her cheeks are so thin they seem almost hollow, but she looks happier. Calmer, maybe.

She reaches over and subtly squeezes his hand. "I'm good," she says quietly. "I promise."

He nods, looking down at the mess of paperwork on her desk. One folder catches his eye, and makes his heart sink.

"You're looking into Maddie's case," he says neutrally.

She lets go of his hand and puts the folder away. "Yeah," she says. "Since you haven't really gotten anywhere, I thought maybe it could use a fresh pair of eyes."

Jay swallows the wave of nausea that he feels, swallows the anxiety, the surge of disappointment. He swallows the urge to remind her that Maddie's case is her case too.

"Yeah," he says instead, pasting on a smile. Just like she does. "Let me know if you want to talk it through."

He walks back to his desk before she can say anything else.

-o-o-

"Hey," Antonio says, cornering him in the breakroom that afternoon. "Ruzek was wondering - well, we were going to see if you guys wanted to go to Molly's. Celebrate Erin coming back. But I wasn't sure if-"

Jay sighs. He has no idea. Lately, he feels like he doesn't know Erin at all - like he can't predict her moods, her emotions, her likes and dislikes. He doesn't know if Erin will want to go to Molly's with the team. Doesn't know if she'll feel compelled to say yes just to put up the facade of normalcy. He doesn't know if hanging out with their friends in a social setting will make things better or worse.

He tries to come up with a response, but he can't help deflating. "I-"

Antonio glances behind him, making sure no one is coming. "You want me to try and talk to her?" he asks quietly. "Maybe - someone she's not as close to?"

Jay shakes his head. "I mean, you could try. But I've tried...and Voight, and Burgess, and Maddie's foster mother said she'd tried too. I just...she seems to think that if she just pretends everything's normal, then it is, but I can't…"

"Okay," Antonio says. "Let's just - let's just play along for now. Let's just be normal. I'll tell her we're all going to Molly's. See what happens."

Jay's tired of playing along. He's not sure Erin can handle a night of pretending with the team. Not sure he can handle watching her.

But he sighs and shrugs and goes with it. Just like he always does.

-o-o-

Watching her at Molly's is agonizing. He knew he should have told Antonio no.

She's practically dancing around the crowded bar, greeting everyone with a terrifyingly huge smile, laughing too much and too loud, flinching whenever anyone gets too close.

She's drinking harder than he's ever seen her before, knocking back shots and chugging beers. And all he can do is sit at a table in the corner watching her.

At one point, Severide buys her a shot and gives her a hug. He watches her flinch and pull away, nearly tripping over her feet in her rush to put some distance between them.

"How's she doing?" Severide asks, coming to sit beside him.

Jay can't take his eyes away from her. She's pressed against the back wall of the bar, literally hiding from the crowd. He watches her take a few deep breaths, then knock back a shot, hands shaking. For a moment, he thinks she might start crying or screaming. He thinks she might run away.

He certainly wants to.

Instead, she looks around, spots Stella, and runs up to her, laughing and hyper and drunk.

"About like that," he says to Severide, taking a sip of his beer.

She hasn't been this drunk since the whole thing happened, he realizes. Hasn't been drinking at all, actually. But it's as if she felt she had to do this - go out with their friends, be normal - and the only way she could get herself through it was to get absolutely plastered.

"How are you doing?" Severide asks sympathetically.

"I don't know what to do for her," Jay says. "I just don't know how to help her."

Erin, standing by the bar, accidentally backs into another patron - a big, hulking guy in a leather jacket. She immediately moves the other way, bumping into someone else.

She's trapped in a crowd, and the panic on her face is twisting Jay's guts.

"I've gotta - I've gotta get her out of here," Jay says, unable to sit there any longer.

He hands Severide his half-full beer and goes to rescue his girlfriend.

Even if that's not what she wants.

-o-o-

She lets him bundle her into the car, lets him carry her into the elevator and into bed. And a few hours later, she lets him hold her hair back while she vomits what feels like gallons of Scotch into the toilet.

"I'm sorry," she sobs, collapsing back against the bathroom wall. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Jay, I'm so sorry."

"Shhh," he whispers, filling a glass with water and handing it to her. Her hands are shaking too badly to take it from him, so he holds it to her lips and helps her. "Just drink this, okay? Small sips."

She chokes on the water. "I'm sorry," she says again, shoving the tears out of her face with the back of her hands, like a little kid. "I'm sorry."

"Shhh, don't," he says, smoothing her sweaty hair away from her face.

He can't help feeling a little bit angry. He's tried and he's tried and he's tried, and she's responded to his efforts by pushing him away and lying to him.

But when it comes down to it, he loves her. He loves her and he'll do anything for her.

So he sits beside her on the bathroom floor, rubbing her back and promising her that it will be okay.

-o-o-

They go to the gun range every morning, on their way to the district. Jay barely manages to get any practice in himself. All he can do is watch Erin - focused, determined, squeezing off round after round after round. She seems to find it soothing, but it's yet another thing he finds unsettling.

Her wrist is weak, and still hurting, but she grits her teeth and shoots. And shoots. And shoots, until it's time to go to work.

It only takes her four days to requalify.

She's beaming as they drive from the gun range to the district - she's finally back in the driver's seat.

He should be happy for her. He should be delighted that his girlfriend, his partner, is finally able to get back to her job, her life. He should be happy that she'll be back out there beside him. But the grin on her face does nothing to calm the sick feeling in his stomach.

-o-o-

When she pulls up in front of their apartment building that night, she doesn't get out of the car. He watches her warily, wondering if she's okay, wondering if she's mad at him - he hadn't been outwardly thrilled about her passing the gun qualification, and he knows she noticed.

Wondering _anything_.

He just wishes she'd tell him anything. Literally anything.

"Do you want to go out for dinner?" she asks hesitantly.

He turns to look at her, surprised. She looks so nervous, like she's asking him out for the first time. Like they haven't already been together for years.

He raises his eyebrow flirtatiously. She's trying, so he can too. "Are you asking me on a date, Detective?"

A slow, flirty smile spreads across her face - it's an expression he rarely sees these days. "Do I need to ask?" she smirks.

He leans forward slowly, and she leans in. He presses his lips to hers.

"You never need to ask," he whispers.

When she pulls away, she's grinning. And for the first time since it happened, her smile looks real.

"How about the Purple Pig?" she suggests, restarting the engine.

"Only if you're buying," he jokes.

"Oh, you wish," she laughs.

He leans back against the headrest, watching her drive. Wishing, in fact, that the world could just stay like this.

-o-o-

Dinner feels a little bit like a dream. It's a glimpse of the Erin he loves, the Erin he remembers. She tells him a funny story about something Maddie had done when they went to the park the day before. She teases him about the goatee he's been growing. She steals bites from his plate - in fact, she eats what could almost be considered a full meal.

It makes him happy and it makes him ache. He misses her so much.

So maybe this is all she needs, he thinks. Maybe she just needs to go back to work, needs to feel useful, needs to focus on something besides what she went through.

It's just - he can't quite get himself to believe that. He can't help feeling that this is temporary. That until she deals with what happened, she'll just be burying it.

And he'll just be waiting for it to explode.

"Hey," she laughs. "Where'd you go?"

He zones back in, angry at himself for not being able to live in the moment. Especially now. "Sorry," he says, grinning at her. He reaches across the table for her hand, brings it to his lips. "You're beautiful."

She looks away and blushes.

And then turns serious.

"Look, I know that you're - worried," she says hesitantly. "I know that I haven't really been acting normal this last month, and I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," he says.

"No, I just - I want you to know that I'm okay," she says. "I am. I promise you. You don't need to worry about me coming back to work."

"I always worry about you," he reminds her.

She sighs, conceding that. "Yeah. But I'm okay," she says again, and he wonders if she's saying it to convince herself.

He's hesitant to bring anything else up. The last thing he wants to do is to ruin their night, but - "I'm really happy you're back at work," he says cautiously. "I am - you have to know that. I'm so happy to have my partner back. But I'm just - I worry that there's something you're not dealing with. And I just - I don't want you to get hurt."

She squeezes his hand. "I won't," she says, avoiding his eyes. "What happened was scary - and I think it brought up - issues I wasn't expecting."

"Like what?" he presses. He can't help expecting her to either scream at him or shut down at any moment, but he keeps going.

"Like...just...being hurt...like that," she says, and he can tell she's choosing her words carefully. "It's been a long time since someone hit me, I guess, and so...that was hard."

He hadn't been expecting _that_.

He knows that Erin's childhood had been lonely and scary and chaotic, but he forgets sometimes that all those things mean it was also violent.

"See, I didn't want to - I don't want you to have to think about this shit," she says, when he can't manage to form words. Mute, he manages to nod. "But, um - I'm okay, Jay. I am, I promise. I think going back to work is going to be good for me, and I know that I have you watching my back, so…"

He nods rapidly. "Yeah," he says. "Always."

-o-o-

He wants to believe her. He really, really does. He wants it more than anything.

And so he decides to. He decides to listen to her, to believe that maybe being back at work will be good for her, will be all she needs. That maybe being hit in that basement is the only issue. That maybe she really has dealt with it.

But it doesn't ease the fear in his stomach.

-o-o-


	10. Chapter 10

Hi guys! Thank you again as always, for your lovely reviews. It's so nice to hear that people are enjoying this! And I'm so sorry for the delay - it's been a bit crazy lately!

I'm not feeling super confident about this chapter, but figured I'd get it out there. This is a bit of a rough chapter (although...I guess that's nothing new!). So...hope you enjoy!

-o-o-

After her talk with Jay, Erin feels like things will be fine.

Or maybe she just _decides_ that things will be fine - and isn't that half the battle?

He seems to have accepted her explanation - and it wasn't entirely untrue, so she doesn't feel like she's lied to him. In fact, it wasn't untrue at all, just - not quite the whole truth.

And just as she knew she would, she's gotten things under control. Mostly. She's been able to eat a little more - at least in front of Jay, and she knows it makes him feel better. She's been back at work for nearly two weeks, and she's focused and professional and calm. She's had his back on several raids, and she feels like the team is starting to be comfortable with her again.

And the Xanax she's started taking is helping. It's just a temporary fix, she knows, just a short-term solution until she's strong enough to handle everything on her own. But it's making a difference - she's better able to control her reactions to surprises, to being touched. She's been more able to focus at work, more comfortable having relaxed, normal conversations with her friends and coworkers. She's pretty sure she's even convinced Voight.

She's even thinking she might be able to have sex again soon. It will be hard, she knows, but she can do it - and she's sure that once she gets through it the first time, everything will get easier. It's just like getting in shape, she knows. The first few runs are painful, but you just have to grit your teeth and keep at it until they aren't.

He's been really sweet, and hasn't brought it up. Not once. But she knows she can't put it off forever.

And because she has decided that everything is fine, Erin focuses on work - throws herself into the cases and the victims and the _job_.

That's what's going to make her really okay again. That's what's going to help her move on.

-o-o-

Her third case back, she's the one who puts the pieces together, who makes the solve. It's a high like she hasn't experienced in a while, and for a few hours, she's on top of the world.

So much so that she forgets. But it doesn't make it go away.

That night, she's still reveling in her triumph. The boys take her out to Molly's, and it's _normal_ , and she's normal, and everything feels good and right and how it's supposed to. And Ruzek buys her shots, and she has a _little_ bit too much to drink.

Or maybe it's just that she shouldn't mix alcohol with the Xanax - that's probably the problem, now that she thinks about it.

But it's not like the last time they went out. Not at all. She's not _that_ drunk, and she's feeling like a normal person again - Casey bumped into her, and she didn't even react. She's proud of that.

It's totally fine.

But Jay is watching her with that concerned look on his face, the one he always has now, whether she's interviewing a witness or drawing her weapon on a suspect or eating breakfast, and so she turns and walks away from him.

It makes her feel guilty, but that's a familiar feeling, so it's easy to squash.

She's telling Kim and Ruzek a story - she's pretty sure they're hooking up again, but she's certainly not going to say anything. Not now anyway. Later she won't even be able to remember what she was talking about, but it doesn't really matter.

She tries to flag down Hermann at the bar, tries to get another drink, when suddenly Jay is standing behind her.

"I wanna head out," he says into her ear. She's not expecting it, not expecting his presence over her shoulder, and she flinches violently, barely suppressing a gasp. Possibly a scream.

It's a strong enough reaction that everyone around her notices.

"Okay," she says, covering. Her heart is pounding in her chest, and it's hard to get words out given how little oxygen her lungs are taking in. "See you at home."

She smiles, but doesn't kiss him like she normally would. She can't risk it now.

She turns back to Kim and Adam, who are both looking at her sadly. _Shit_. She leans over the bar. "Hey, Hermann!" she calls, and maybe she sounds a little desperate, but that's just what you need to do to get service in a crowded bar, right? "Can we get another round?"

Jay gently grips her bicep, and she tries not to squirm in his grasp. "Come on," he says, voice low. "It's late."

"I'm fine," she says shortly. "You should go. I can get home, I'll get a cab."

"Erin," he sighs, and he sounds so frustrated, so fed up. "Let's go."

"Hey," Kim says, before she can come up with a response. "We're gonna head out too, right?"

"Definitely," Adam says. "Yeah, I've gotta get home." He chugs the rest of his half-full beer.

She glares at Jay. He doesn't back down.

"Fine," she says. She smiles at Kim and Adam. "See you tomorrow."

She yanks her arm out of Jay's hand and marches out of the bar.

She has no idea why she's so mad. No idea at all.

-o-o-

She doesn't speak to him the whole ride home, although he tries, several times.

When they finally get into the apartment, she stalks into the bathroom. "Erin!" he calls, following her.

"You said you were tired, so go to bed," she snaps. She has no idea why she's being so bitchy, but it's like she can't control it.

He growls, and it stops her in her tracks. Fear courses through her unexpectedly.

"I'm so sick of this!" Jay says, the frustration lacing his tone and cutting her like a knife. He throws his leather jacket at the bed, and she jumps like he's hit her. "It's like you can't for one goddamn second just talk to me. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do, Erin!"

It's the first time he's lost it. After nearly two months, it's the first time he's let any anger or irritation show.

And it terrifies her.

He's gonna leave her, she realizes suddenly, panic flooding her throat and her stomach. He's not going to be able to take this anymore - I mean, who would? - and he's going to leave her.

She has to pull it together, and she has to do it right now.

She turns around, takes a few hesitant steps back toward him. "I'm sorry," she chokes, tears clouding her vision. "Jay, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please."

Her legs are shaking, but she goes to him, taking his face in her hands. He looks like he wants to pull away, but he doesn't.

"Please," she whispers. "Please." He won't look her in the eye.

 _No. No._

She presses her lips to his, kissing him frantically, desperately. She clutches his biceps, fighting the brewing anxiety in her stomach by repeating over and over again in her head: _It's Jay. It's Jay_.

He lets her kiss him, tangling his hands in her hair for a moment, but then he pushes her away.

There's an anguished wail that comes from somewhere - is that her? She has no idea. Her senses seem to have abandoned her.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

He's talking to her, she thinks, but she can't hear the words coming out of his mouth. All she can hear is the voice in her head telling her that he's going to leave. That he doesn't want her anymore. That she's finally, finally gone too far.

That no one could ever possibly love her once they meet the real her, just like she's always known.

And maybe it's the alcohol, or the Xanax, or the terror coursing through her veins. But she does the only thing she can think of.

She pushes him back against the bed. She's trembling violently, tears streaming down her cheeks, but she forces herself to kneel in front of him, to unbuckle his belt, to work his zipper down.

"Erin!" she hears. His hands are grabbing at her, but she doesn't stop.

"I'm sorry," she says. She fights to keep her voice steady, but it's hard. "Jay, I love you, okay? Please, I love you."

She's never liked doing this. It reminds her of days on the street, of living with Charlie. In fact, she isn't sure if she's ever gone down on Jay.

He's never said anything about it.

"Please," she begs, shaking hands working him out of his boxers. "Please, let me, Jay. Please. I want this. I love you."

"Stop, Erin," he says, and for a second they're practically fighting each other - she's trying to push away his hands so he doesn't stop her, and he's trying to pull her to him. "Erin. Erin!"

"Don't you want me anymore?" she begs. She can barely see him through the tears. "Please, I wanna do this. I need to do this!"

He stops pushing her away. She takes him in her mouth, trying not to gag, trying not to cry.

-o-o-

The blow job was a mistake. She knows that as soon as she finishes, pulling away just before he comes.

She sits down heavily on the ground, gasping for breath. She doesn't know what to do, where to go. She finally chances a look at Jay.

He's crying. He's sitting at the edge of the bed staring at her, fear on his face. For a second, she thinks he might be afraid of _her_.

She doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know if she should apologize, or try to kiss him. Maybe they should have sex now? Should she take off her clothes? She isn't sure.

Nothing makes any sort of sense.

Jay zips up his pants, his eyes never leaving her face. It's like he can't move - but then, neither can she.

She tries to fix it. Tries to explain. "I just - I love you," she whispers, her voice barely audible through the tears. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have - I shouldn't have…"

She crawls onto the bed beside him. This time, he's the one who flinches.

She erupts into sobs, unable to control herself. She buries her face in her hands, choking on her tears.

His hand settles on her shoulder, and it scares her and makes her feel better all at the same time. Very, very slowly, he pulls her into his arms.

She melts down against his chest.

-o-o-

They're called into work at 4:30 in the morning. Neither of them have slept, but they also haven't talked.

She lets him drive. Instead, she focuses on getting as much caffeine as possible into her system as quickly as she can.

The whole team is gathered around a body, sprawled out on the ground in Millennium Park. The place gives Erin the creeps - it's where she met with Yates the night before Nadia was kidnapped. It's equally deserted right now, and it feels just as threatening, just as foreboding.

She stops short at the sight of the body - a young woman, about her own age. She's wearing only a t-shirt and torn jeans, and Erin's first thought is that she must be so cold.

She pulls her own coat more tightly around her.

"I've got an extra hoodie in the car," Jay says quietly, close enough so that only she can hear.

She turns to look at him, and sees nothing but love and concern. After everything she's put him through, why is he so nice to her?

"I'll be okay," she says.

But she reaches over and squeezes his hand.

He squeezes back, and it gives her the strength to keep going.

-o-o-

When Atwater comes in and reports that the victim, Erica Bogdanovich, 27-years-old, of Lincoln Square, a yoga instructor and aspiring actor, had been raped and beaten to death, Erin can feel the panic attack closing in on her. Her stomach turns unpleasantly, and her head suddenly feels disconnected from her body.

But she cannot - _cannot_ \- do this now. Not with Jay - with Voight, with everyone - already watching her so closely, not with the way she lost it last night.

She digs her nails into her palms, clenches every single one of her muscles until they hurt, and stares at the whiteboard. She's not hearing a word, not seeing anything, but she has to pretend, has to keep it together.

Erin only vaguely hears her assignment, but as soon as Voight ends the briefing, she fakes a phone call and races for the locker room.

She closes herself in a bathroom stall. She's sweating and shaking, and her tongue is so dry it's sticking to the roof of her mouth. She presses her forehead to the stall door, trying desperately to breathe, to calm down.

Her heart is beating so hard she thinks it might explode out of her chest. Unbidden, an image comes to her, of _him_ , on top of her on that basement floor. She can still feel his hands sliding her zipper down, can still smell his sweat.

She can still hear Maddie screaming.

She knows it's not real, knows it's _over_ , but she can't stop the whole scene from playing out in her brain - the way his torso had pressed down on her fractured ribs, the way he'd pinned her broken wrist above her head to hold her still, the way she'd bitten her lip until it bled to keep from crying out.

Now, alone in the toilet stall, she sinks her teeth into her wrist to keep from yelling.

This is never going to be over.

-o-o-

The case isn't solved, but Voight sends them home at 4:00. After her - episode - in the locker room, Erin has managed to remain calm and professional. She's made some phone calls, and done some research, and even gone out with Burgess to interview Erica's boyfriend. She's been totally in control, and she's proud of that - but it's been an intensely long and exhausting day. She just wants to go home and take the world's longest, hottest shower.

The silence is thick and uncomfortable when they walk in the door of their apartment, and she knows Jay wants to talk about what happened last night.

Or maybe about today. She thinks she's hidden it well, but...

And she can't - she _can't_ \- handle that, so she starts talking instead. "So, Sammi had asked if we could maybe come over for dinner one night, and I said we were on call all week, but that I'd let her know if there was a good night, and she said it was fine with short notice, and I was thinking that maybe since it's so early tonight might be good?"

And as she says it, she thinks that it might be the only thing that can fix her. After her flashback earlier today, she still has Maddie's screams echoing in her ears. She can only hope that actually _seeing_ Maddie will help.

She's rambling, she knows, but she keeps going, not even looking at Jay to gauge his reaction. "I know it's been a long week, but I thought it just might be nice to just relax and hang out with the girls, you know?"

When she finally glances up, Jay's looking at her sadly, and she knows he's disappointed. And maybe angry. But she has no good explanation for what she did, none at all. So maybe if they can just _keep going_ , keep moving forward, the whole thing can just stay buried until it goes away. All on its own.

"And I mean, they go to bed at like 8:30," she says. "So we can still have an early night, and then it'll just be, you know, chill."

Jay just sighs. "Sure," he says finally. "Yeah, that sounds good."

The relief is overwhelming. "I love you," she says, before pulling out her phone to text Sammi. "You know that...right?"

"Erin, of course I do," he says, and he looks confused and overwhelmed. He shakes his head, looks like he might say something more - but then just leans in and kisses her forehead. "Go take a shower," he says gently. "I'll call Sammi and tell her."

She feels guilty now. She's hurting him - she knows that. She just can't seem to stop.

-o-o-

"So Erin, did Maddie tell you about her first gymnastics class?" Tim Reiner asks, handing her a platter of piping hot lasagna.

Dinner at the Reiners feels like exactly what they needed. Just seeing Maddie looking happy and healthy and well-adjusted makes Erin feel like everything she's been through since that day has been worth it, like it all happened for a reason.

The little girl is smiling more now, giggling all the time. She's gained weight, and her hair is shinier, her skin less pale. Her artwork covers the Reiners' refrigerator. She's barely recognizable as the traumatized, malnourished child Erin found in that dingy basement.

"I got to jump on the trampoline!" Maddie says, bouncing up and down in her chair. "I jumped so high, Erin!"

Erin doesn't even need to force the smile that spreads across her face. "That's so cool, Maddie," she says, as she scoops a piece of lasagna onto her plate and hands the platter to Jay.

He looks relaxed and almost happy. She feels like, for once, she made the right decision in insisting that they come here.

"And I'm showing her how to do handstands and stuff!" Lainie volunteers excitedly.

"How long have you been doing gymnastics, Lainie?" Jay asks.

"Since I was four," Lainie says. "I'm in level five now, so I do lots of cool stuff. I'm doing round off back handspring back tucks. You guys should come to my meet one day!"

Erin glances at Jay. He's grinning. She reaches under the table and covers his hand with hers. "I think we'd love that," she says.

-o-o-

Erin slips her hand into Jay's as they stroll back to their apartment. It's an unseasonably warm night, by Chicago standards, and she unzips her coat just a little, loosens her scarf.

She's feeling better now that she's seen Maddie. But when Jay starts to talk, the old panic creeps back in.

"Erin-"

"She looks so much better, right?" she says in a rush. "Like, she looks really happy."

Jay's quiet for a long moment, and she thinks that he might not let her get away with it. "Yeah," he says finally. "She looks great."

"She's gonna have a normal life," Erin says, more to herself than to him. "She's gonna get to just be a kid."

For a second, irrationally, she's _jealous_. That little girl, who was born into bad news just like Erin was, is going to have a real, _normal_ life, with a family that loves her, and a green and yellow bedroom filled with stuffed monkeys and stacks of children's books and board games and puzzles, and gymnastics lessons and a good school.

That girl isn't going to end up addicted to heroin, living with a man ten years older than her and selling drugs to convince him to keep her around. She's not going to stand in a tight dress on the corner of Pulaski and Division, willing to do anything for anyone just for some food and a fix.

That little girl is not going to end up like Erin.

Ever since Erin had come to live with Voight, she's felt like there were two different people within her - the scared, sick teenager with no future, and the tough, well-adjusted cop with a completely _normal_ life. She'd always made sure to keep the two apart. The fucked up teenager only appears at rare moments, and only in the presence of certain people - her mother, Voight.

These last few weeks, however, the two Erins have become one, and it's terrifying. It's become more and more difficult to suppress that traumatized, angry girl. To keep her hidden behind the armor that Erin makes sure she wears at all times. She can't explain why, but the events of _that_ day have brought the worst parts of her past to the surface. They've brought out the mess that, with few exceptions, she's made sure to keep deeply buried for the last fifteen years.

She can't afford to have Jay get to know _that_ girl. It's bad enough he had to meet her briefly after Nadia died.

She knows Jay loves her. She does. But she is also certain that he loves the person he thinks she is, rather than the person she knows herself to be. He won't love the disaster she used to be - still can be. She knows that.

She didn't tell him about what had really happened to protect him, to keep him from getting hurt. But now...she's pretty sure she's just protecting herself.

"Erin," his voice intrudes on her thoughts, and she jumps. He squeezes her hand tightly, and she looks up and realizes they're already in front of their building. "Where'd you go?" he asks gently.

For a moment, she thinks about being brave and telling him the truth.

But then she looks at his beautiful face, at those eyes that love her in spite of everything she's put him through lately, and she just can't.

So she shakes her head, smiles at him, and lies.

Just like she always does.

-o-o-


	11. Chapter 11

Guys, I was absolutely blown away by the response to the last chapter. I can't tell you how much it means to me! Thank you thank you thank you all for your lovely reviews! Here is chapter eleven - hopefully it moves things forward a bit!

-o-o-

Jay has been worried about Erin for months - since even before she was abducted, actually. He's watched her carefully since they found her in that basement, knowing that she was recovering from something traumatic. He's been patient and loving and gentle with her, letting her set the pace and the limitations.

But now he's scared.

She's spiralling. She's doing a damn good job of hiding it, but he's seen it before, and he knows she's falling down a black hole. He can't tell if she's using drugs, or if she's drinking more than she lets him see, but her mood is so erratic these days that he's on edge all the time.

And he has no idea what to do about it.

He'd thought things were getting better after she'd come back to work, after that dinner at the Purple Pig, but now…

She's barely functioning. And worse, she's hiding everything from him - she sleeps on the couch so that he won't see her nightmares. She tells him she has food poisoning when he knows she's been crying in the bathroom.

He's losing her. And he doesn't know where it leads, or what will happen next, but he isn't sure how much longer he can handle the anxiety.

-o-o-

The lab traces the fingerprints on a beer bottle found at the scene of Erica Bogdanovich's murder to Brandon Hayward, a stockbroker at a high-powered firm, in the system for a ten-year-old assault and battery conviction. Ruzek matches his photo to the video they got from the Art Institute, of a man in a suit jogging away from the scene.

Voight sends Erin out with Burgess and Olinsky to pick up the suspect. Jay watches them go, a familiar flutter of fear in his stomach.

Every damn time she walks out of his sight.

His eyes stay on the staircase until long after she's disappeared.

When he finally turns back to his computer, Antonio is sitting on his desk.

He didn't even see him come over.

"What's up, man?" he asks, trying - and failing - to cover.

Antonio nods towards the breakroom. "Let's get some coffee," he says.

-o-o-

He shouldn't air their dirty laundry with their friends, he knows. Erin would never forgive him for telling Antonio what happened. But as soon as his mentor closes the door to the breakroom, and asks how he's doing, Jay can't help it - the whole sordid tale spills out of him.

"I shouldn't have let her do it," he says, his hands shaking as he brings the coffee mug to his mouth and takes a big gulp.

The coffee burns his throat going down, and he can't help but think that he deserves it.

"I should have stopped her," he says. "She begged me to let her do it though Tony, she begged me. She thought I didn't want her anymore, and I didn't want her to think..."

He feels like he needs to defend himself, even though what he did was indefensible. He should _never_ have let her go down on him. Not the way she did, crying and shaking on the floor.

He just didn't know how to stop her. Not when she asked if he still wanted her, not when she pleaded with him not to leave.

"She thinks I'm gonna leave her," he says, and the thought makes him so angry and so sad that he wants to hit something. "I can't seem to get it through to her…"

Antonio looks at him sadly. "What happened after?" he asks. His voice holds no judgment, and that makes Jay feel worse.

"I don't know," Jay says, because he doesn't. He'd been there, but that doesn't mean he understood anything around him. She'd cried all night, and then shut down any of his attempts to talk about it. "She's acting like it didn't happen."

"Jay," Antonio says hesitantly. "I know you don't want to think about this, but I'm just - do you think maybe there's a chance she was raped?"

The word hits him, hard. Because he hasn't even let himself think it yet, hasn't let himself go there.

She _would_ have told him. Right? She wouldn't have kept that from him?

"No," he says firmly, but he can hear the desperation in his voice. "No, she - she said that it just brought up bad memories. She wasn't - she couldn't have been…"

The signs are all there. He knows that.

But he can't let himself believe it.

-o-o-

He watches Erin step into the interrogation room confidently. She's calm, in control - practically strutting.

Jay leans against the window in the observation room, watching her. She looks like his partner now, and he relishes these fleeting glimpses.

DNA had ruled their suspect out as the rapist, but Erin's convinced he must have seen something. Jay's heart drops when Voight ordered her to take a crack at Hayward.

She seems fine. Strong, together, normal.

But something about this situation feels terribly, terribly wrong.

Ruzek closes the door behind them as Erin tosses a folder on the table. It lands in front of their startled suspect.

"What the hell, man?" Hayward grunts.

Erin pulls out a chair, straddles it, while Ruzek tucks himself into the corner. "So if you didn't kill Erica Bogdanovich, then why were you running from the park right after she was murdered?"

Hayward glares at her. "I told you. I was walking home from a bar, and then I realized how late it was, and that I had to get up early for work, so I sped it up."

Erin opens the folder, shows him the DNA results. "We know you didn't rape her," she says, and Jay waits for her to continue, but she seems to lose focus for a second.

He wishes he could see her face through the two-way mirror. Her back is ramrod straight.

"If you know I didn't rape her, then what am I doing here?" Hayward bites.

Erin stands up, very slowly. Jay's heart pounds. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Ruzek take a step closer to her.

"You ran," she says, her voice low and dangerous. "You didn't kill her...but you saw it."

"Great. So arrest me for happening to be in the park while some girl got killed."

Erin nods. She almost seems to be in a trance. "You saw her," she says. "You were there."

"So?" Hayward spits, but he looks nervous now. "Wrong place at the wrong time. That's why I was running! I was freaked!"

"No," Erin says, shaking her head. "You weren't afraid...you didn't call the police."

She's so still and tense. Jay is frozen, watching her.

"You watched," Erin says slowly. "You didn't do it. You stood there and watched while she was raped. While she was beaten to death."

Shit. _Shit_.

"Watching's not a crime," Hayward smirks.

It happens so fast. One second she's standing, statue-still. The next she's flying at Hayward. His chair topples onto the floor, and Erin's fists are hammering at his face.

"Whoa, whoa, Lindsay!" he hears Ruzek yell, but he's already out the door of the observation room.

-o-o-

By the time he gets into interrogation, Voight and Antonio right behind him, Ruzek is trying - and failing - to pull Erin off Hayward. She's still whaling on the suspect, paying no attention to Ruzek.

And she's screaming. Unintelligible, agonized hysteria. It reminds him of the panic attack she had in the hospital, and it's terrifying.

He shoves Ruzek out of the way and wraps his arms tightly around her, trapping her body against his chest. She fights him, desperately kicking and shouting and struggling. She pries at his arms, but he doesn't let go, forcefully pulling her away from their suspect.

He's not sure she knows what's going on. That's he's the one restraining her.

He feels awful. But he can't let go.

"Shh, shh," he murmurs. "I got you. It's okay." Even though nothing is okay.

Antonio pulls Hayward out of Erin's reach, and she screams, kicking her legs and flailing her arms.

"Get him out of here!" Jay shouts.

Antonio and Ruzek wrestle Hayward out and Voight kicks the door shut. "Let go of me!" Erin shrieks, and he does, immediately.

She stumbles away from him, eyes wild.

"Erin," he says gently.

"He just stood there!" she yells, voice hoarse. "He just stood there and watched while she was raped!"

He takes a step toward her, and she backs away, raising her hands. "I'm fine," she says through gritted teeth.

The silence as Erin's walls visibly go up is thick and pregnant. Jay feels unexpected, hopeless tears prick at his eyes.

He doesn't understand why she insists on going through everything alone.

Not for the first time, he worries that maybe it's him. That he's not enough for her.

"It's late," Voight finally says with a sigh. "Go home, both of you."

"Hank," Erin protests.

"Now," Voight says firmly. "Before I suspend you."

Erin gapes at him, incredulously. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Erin," Voight says, like a parent talking to a recalcitrant teen.

She bangs the door open, storms out.

-o-o-

He finds her in the parking lot, on the phone. Just a few minutes ago, she was screaming, but now her voice is gentle and calm.

"Of course it's not a problem," she's saying. "No, Sammi, it's fine, I promise. It's not too late - we're just leaving work now, actually. I know. No, no, of course not. Yeah. Okay, we'll see you in a few minutes."

She unlocks the car door. "Maddie had a nightmare," she says. "She won't go back to sleep until she talks to me."

"Erin," Jay sighs, unable to contain his exasperation. He yanks open the passenger side door.

He loves how much she loves that kid. How willing she is to help her and sacrifice for her. But for once - for _once_ \- he needs her to put herself - and maybe him - first.

He's at his wit's end, and he needs to go home. Now. And talk.

"I can drop you off at home if you want," she says, like she didn't just punch a suspect in the face, like she wasn't just kicking and screaming in his arms.

He doesn't know what to do here. If he loses his temper and yells at her - like he's inches from doing - she'll just panic that he's going to leave her, like she did the night of the blow job debacle.

But patiently pleading with her to talk to him seems to be accomplishing nothing.

In the end, he errs on the side of not picking a fight with her. Not now.

"I'll come," he says, slumping down into his seat.

-o-o-

Erin heads directly into Maddie's room, leaving Jay in the kitchen with Sammi and Tim.

"Is everything okay?" Sammi asks hesitantly, as Jay sinks into a chair, rubbing his temples.

He's so freaking tired.

"Yeah," Jay says, forcing a smile. "Sorry, it's just been a long day."

"I'm really sorry," Sammi says. "I shouldn't have called. It's just that Erin always manages to calm her down, and she was really upset tonight, and I just…"

She trails off. Her husband puts his arm around her, kisses her temple. She leans against him.

Jay feels suddenly, irrationally jealous.

"No," he manages. "No, it's fine. Erin...she wanted to be here for Maddie."

"You sure you're all right?" Tim asks.

Jay can't imagine how terrible he must look right now, for them to be asking so insistently. He searches for a lie, a cover, anything. But there's nothing. "I'm just really worried about her," he sighs. "Erin, I mean. She's having a rough time, and I don't - know what to do for her."

Sammi smiles sympathetically. "If there's anything we can do to help," she says. She reaches over the table to squeeze Jay's hand. "I mean, anything at all. You guys have done so much for us and for Maddie, and we always wish there was some way we could repay you."

Jay swallows the lump in his throat. "You taking such good care of Maddie is more than enough," he says. "I know it makes Erin feel a lot better to see her looking so happy."

Tim grins. "It makes us happy to see Maddie happy," he says. "We feel like we're the lucky ones here."

"We're actually talking about trying to make it permanent," Sammi says hesitantly.

Jay sits up a little straighter. "Wow. Okay. You wanna adopt her?"

"We do," Tim says, and the two look at each other and smile. "Now that her mother's parental rights have been terminated, it seems like it shouldn't be too difficult. Lainie's thrilled, and - it just feels right to us."

The emotions swirling in Jay's gut now are overwhelming. He's thrilled and he's relieved and he's sad and he's envious, and he's not quite sure what to do with them.

So he manages to smile at this wonderful couple, manages to say, "I think that's the best news I've heard in a long time."

-o-o-

Sammi suggests he bring some chocolate chip cookies to Erin and Maddie, so he wraps a few in a napkin and heads back to Maddie's bedroom.

He's spent a lot of time at the Reiners in the last few months, but he rarely comes back here - usually, they play games in the living room, or they take the girls outside to play tag in the backyard. The hallway is lined with family photos - Maddie already appears in quite a few.

He leans against the wall outside the room, listening to the girls talk. He knows he shouldn't be eavesdropping like this, but - sometimes he feels like the only time he gets a glimpse of the old Erin is when she's with Maddie.

"Maddie, it might help to talk about it," Erin says.

He thinks of the irony of those words. Wishes she would listen to them herself.

"Did you dream about the bad man?" Erin presses gently, her voice so full of compassion and sympathy and love that it makes Jay ache.

He just wants her back. He'd do anything, anything at all to get her back.

He can hear Maddie crying, can hear her choking and sniffling and trying to get words out.

"Shhh, sweetie, you're okay," Erin murmurs. "Everything's okay now. He can't hurt you anymore."

"Are you going to have a baby?" Maddie blurts out, her words garbled and tear-filled.

The question is so out of left field and confusing that for a second, Jay thinks maybe he misunderstood her.

"No, sweetheart, I'm not," Erin says soothingly. "I promise you, I'm not."

A _baby_?

For a second, Jay thinks that Maddie is worried about a baby replacing her in Erin's affections. Until she keeps talking.

"But my mom," the little girl chokes. "She got - she got raped too, and that's - she had me cause a bad man raped her."

Jay feels like he can't breathe. _She got raped too_.

He can't hear what Erin says. His heart is pounding and his arms are tingling and he's certain his legs are going to collapse. The cookies slip out of his hand and onto the floor.

"But the bad man raped you!" Maddie wails, and Jay has to hold onto the wall, has to force himself to take a deep breath and try to listen.

She'll deny it, he thinks. Maddie's five-years-old, she couldn't have known what was happening. Carver must have beaten Erin - when she got the concussion - that must have been - she's just confused, it was all so scary...

And Maddie can't really know what rape is, she can't, she just-

"I know," Erin says, and her voice is low and steady and soothing, and Jay doesn't understand. He doesn't understand anything. "He did, but Maddie, I promise you, I'm not gonna have a baby, okay? I promise."

 _He did._

Deep down, Jay has known this for months. Maybe since the day it happened. He knew even while Erin was missing that she was likely being assaulted. He'd known in the hospital, and he'd known when she came home.

He'd known when Antonio broached the subject this afternoon, even though he'd denied it so easily.

But hearing her say the words out loud, hearing it confirmed, is an agony like Jay has never experienced before.

-o-o-

He's sitting on the floor of the Reiners' hallway, unable to move, when she finally comes out.

She turns off the lights in Maddie's bedroom and carefully backs out, nearly tripping over him as she does.

"Jay!" she gasps, her voice a whisper. "What - what are you doing here?"

She laughs uncomfortably, reaching down to help him up, and then catches sight of his face.

He tries to pull it together. Tries to smile at her, tries to continue her game of pretend, of hiding. She's not ready for him to know, and so he needs to bury this, just like she does.

But he can't. He doesn't have as much practice as she does, and he can't keep this hidden. It just hurts too much.

And look where all the lies have gotten them anyway.

He watches the slow realization dawn on her. She takes a shaky step back, bumping into the doorframe.

"You heard," she chokes, her voice low and desperate.

He nods.

She whimpers, covering her mouth with her hands. She looks terrified, and for a few seconds, he thinks she might actually try to run away.

Instead, she turns to look at him, eyes wide and scared.

He needs to be strong. Needs to not fall apart right now. For her.

"Can we - go home?" he asks, voice shaking. "Talk?"

She looks around, as if searching for an exit. Finally, she nods.

-o-o-


	12. Chapter 12

Hi everyone! I was so amazed by the response to the last chapter - thank you all so much! I can't tell you how much it means to me that people are reading and enjoying!

Here's chapter twelve! Erin and Jay still have a long road ahead of them, but hopefully this is a start! Hope you enjoy!

-o-o-

Jay takes the keys from her shaking hands, makes sure she's safely buckled into the passenger seat, and drives, carefully and responsibly.

He doesn't say a word as he navigates the eight blocks back to their apartment.

Erin keeps glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, but he doesn't look at her. Not once.

Her heart is pounding, her stomach flipping. She's nauseous and sweaty, her breath coming in ragged gasps. She can feel the panic attack, encroaching at the edges of her consciousness.

She isn't sure whether to fight it off or just let it have her.

Her legs are trembling, but she manages to get out of the car and follow him into the building. The silence is oppressive as they wait for the elevator, as they ride the two floors, as Jay unlocks the door to their apartment.

He takes his time closing it behind them, takes his time turning to face her.

She still can't manage to speak. She opens her mouth, but no words come out. She stares at his back, not sure what she wants, not sure what to do.

Finally, finally, he looks at her. Even in the darkness of the living room, she can see his eyes are rimmed with red. He looks shattered. Devastated.

She's never seen him like this. Not even when he'd found her in that horrible basement. Not when she'd found _him_ , beaten and tortured in that creepy mansion. Not when he'd tracked her down outside that shitty club, or when Nadia had died, or when his friend had been murdered.

"Jay," she croaks, but the word sticks in her throat.

She should go to him, she knows. She should hold him, should explain, should apologize. She should fix this, in whatever way she can.

But she can't move.

-o-o-

In the end, it's Jay who speaks first. She's not sure how much time they've spent standing in the middle of the living room, silent, staring at each other.

"Why would you not tell me?" he asks, his voice plaintive and cracking and so, so _sad_.

Her heart hurts. She presses her hand against it, as if she can rub the pain away. As if maybe Jay could just kiss it and make it better.

"I don't know," she whispers, because it's the only answer she has.

But it's not the truth - she knows exactly why she didn't tell him, exactly what was going through her head when she lied, when she spent weeks and weeks and weeks insisting that she was fine, that everything was fine.

But how is she supposed to tell him the truth now?

She's not even sure what the truth is.

He shakes his head, advancing on her just slightly. "No," he says, voice rising. "That's not - you owe me more than that, Erin, you-"

He stops suddenly, only inches from her.

"I'm sorry," he says, backing away. He looks lost. Alone. "I'm not-"

He bends over, nearly in half. And then his body is shaking with sobs.

"I'm sorry," he cries. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Erin's feet are suddenly moving of their own volition. She manages to wrap her arms around him. He's stiff, but he collapses against her.

She sits in the middle of the floor, holding him in her arms while he cries.

-o-o-

She can feel Voight watching them the next morning. She hadn't slept all night, and while she thinks Jay had eventually passed out on the living room floor, his eyes are red and puffy and angry.

They still haven't talked. She still doesn't know what to say.

She doesn't think Jay does either.

Kim is at the board, running through a laundry list of facts and statistics and information on a cold case that has suddenly warmed up, but Erin can't even hear her. She can't take her eyes off Jay.

He's barely looked at her since he pulled out of her arms hours earlier, wiping the last tears away.

"Lindsay?" Voight says suddenly, his voice irritated. She snaps to attention.

"Sorry?"

The whole team is staring at her, and she realizes she's supposed to chime in. Shit.

"Uh, yeah," she says. "Uh, Lewis normally runs with a banger named J-Rad. Member of the GDs. Gangs has him as living with a grandmother on 28th and Indiana. I've got patrol sitting on the house and we're waiting on a warrant for his cell."

"My office," Voight says gruffly.

Erin can literally feel her stomach drop. She follows him into the office, avoiding everyone's eyes.

-o-o-

She manages to make it to the chair before her legs give out. Voight closes the door and perches against his desk, right over her. Too close and yet way too far away.

She could _really_ use a hug right about now.

She tries, she _tries_ , but she's so exhausted and upset and scared that she can't stop her lip from quivering, can't keep her body from slumping in the chair.

Voight folds his arms across his chest and studies her face, until she has to look away, tears pricking at her eyes. "What happened?" he asks. His voice is firm and no-nonsense, and full of compassion. It reminds her of being 15, lost and alone and a massive fucking mess.

And right now, it feels like she's no different than she was back then.

"Nothing," she tries, but she can barely get the word out, and Voight sighs.

"Erin."

"He found out," she chokes, and the tears come cascading down her cheeks. She buries her face in her hands, fighting desperately to keep it all in.

If she breaks now, she doesn't think she'll ever be able to put herself back together.

Voight sinks into the chair beside her, but he doesn't speak for a long time. "Found out what?" he says finally.

She shakes her head, choking on her tears.

"You've gotta say it," he tells her.

There's no way out. She tried and she failed, and now it's all over. Her career, her relationship, her life. So what's the fucking difference?

She swallows hard. "You already know," she says numbly. Realizing. "Don't you."

It's not a question.

Voight doesn't say anything.

She hears the words like someone else is speaking. Her voice sounds harsh, alien, foreign. She doesn't recognize it as her own. "He raped me."

Voight still doesn't speak. She hangs her head in shame, unable to look at him. "Jay - he overheard. Maddie knew, and she...and he was upset, I think. That I didn't tell him."

"Maybe he's upset that you were raped," Voight says calmly.

But all Erin can see is the look on Jay's face. The betrayal. "I didn't want anyone to know," she says, and her voice feels distant from her body. Like it's not her who's speaking.

She can't believe this is really happening. That after everything, this is where she's ended up.

"I just - worked too hard," she says, dazed. "And now…"

She's not making any sense. She knows that.

She pushes herself out of the chair. She's shaking.

There should be a few Xanax in her locker. Those will help. Until she can figure out what to do next.

"Sorry," she mumbles to Voight, brushing imaginary crumbs away from her shirt. "I'm sorry about - I'm fine. We'll - it won't be a problem. We can keep it out of the office, okay?"

Everything feels sort of spinny. She bumps into the chair, then stumbles backwards against the couch. She has to get out of this office.

"Erin," Voight says gravely. "Go home. You and Jay."

Erin's stomach drops. "No," she says. "No, Hank, please."

She knew this would happen. As soon as they found out, she knew it was over. She'd just hoped-

She needs this job. She's not sure she can survive without it.

"I'm not suspending you," he says, his voice gentler now. "I just want you to go home and deal with this."

She doesn't believe him. Not for a second.

She knows Hank has her back, but...she's a cop. And she was raped on the job.

Now that it's out, she's not sure how anyone could possibly trust her again. Now that it's public record, how could they let her stay on the job.

"Okay," she says. She is completely and totally empty. "Bye."

She avoids Hank's gaze, and opens the door. She keeps her eyes on the floor as she takes the long walk through the bullpen toward the stairs, not even bothering to stop for her coat.

It feels like an ending.

-o-o-

Once again, they enter the apartment in complete, dread-filled silence.

Only this time, Erin doesn't feel panicked or scared. She doesn't feel much of anything at all.

She sits on the couch unmoving. And waits.

Her entire life is over. She's just waiting for the nails to be hammered in.

Jay leans against the wall a safe distance from her. She stares straight ahead. Numb.

She has no idea what to say.

"Did you tell _anyone_?" he asks finally.

She nods, not looking at him. "Natalie," she says. "And Burgess...found out."

"Dr. Manning?" he asks, and she can feel him thinking it through.

"She did an exam," Erin says, in case that's what he's worried about. "STD tests. Everything was fine."

"Everything was fine," Jay says bitterly, under his breath.

The tone once might have made her flinch. Now she can't manage to react.

"Um," he starts. "I don't know what I'm supposed to…" he trails off.

She can't help him there.

"Was it me?" he asks, his voice barely there. "You couldn't...do you not trust me?"

That hits her.

"Of course I do," she whispers, finally forcing herself to look at him. He looks like a little boy trying not to cry, and it rips at her chest. "I trust you more than anyone."

"Then why?" he asks haltingly. "I - why would…"

"I didn't want to hurt you," she says.

It's not the whole truth. But it is _true_ \- she didn't want him thinking about what she had gone through. Didn't want him blaming himself.

Clearly that backfired.

Jay is staring at her like she has three heads. Like she's just said the most absurd thing he's ever heard.

"I was trying to protect you," she says defensively.

"Protect me?" he gapes, and she can see the anger flare through him. Can see the way he swallows it down, the way he forces himself to be gentle with her.

Like she's a victim.

"It's okay," she says, turning away again, because even though she's giving permission, she's not sure she can handle seeing it. "You can get mad. I understand."

He doesn't respond. Eventually, she hears him slide down the wall.

For long, agonizing minutes, the room is filled with the ragged breaths of her boyfriend, trying not to cry because of what _she's_ done.

-o-o-

"How did Maddie know?" he asks, after an eternity.

Erin swallows hard. She hugs a throw pillow tightly to her chest.

Answering that question means telling the whole story.

But maybe she should just do it. Like ripping off a band-aid. She's already hurt Jay so badly, already destroyed their relationship, so maybe she should just get it over with. Maybe that will be the easiest thing for both of them.

Lying, Erin knows, is an instinct of self-preservation. And she has none left.

"He came down to take her," Erin says. Her voice is flat and distant, and it's as if someone else is talking. "To the basement. I told him to take me instead."

She digs her fingers deeper into the pillow, her whole body contracting around it. She does not close her eyes, does not allow herself to relive this in front of Jay. "I provoked him," she says firmly. Because she had. "I wanted him to stay away from Maddie, and so I...I told him to do whatever he wanted to me."

She can hear Jay choke on a sob, but he doesn't say anything.

"I told her to close her eyes, but...and I didn't fight. I didn't want her to…" She has to stop and take a deep gulp of air. "I tried not to scream, but it was hard. My ribs…" Unconsciously, she presses a hand to her mostly-healed chest. It still hurts sometimes.

"I didn't think she'd understand," she says, her voice breaking for the first time, because the worst part of all of this is that Maddie had to see it, that she still has nightmares about it. "I just - she's five, right? So I thought…"

"Have you talked to her about it?" Jay asks, his voice unrecognizably hoarse.

Erin shakes her head. "Not before last night," she whispers. "She's never mentioned it, and I thought…"

She should have talked to Maddie. Long before this. Maybe then...

"But you knew she knew," Jay pushes.

"She told Kim," she says reluctantly. "When she took her statement. That's how Burgess knew."

Jay considers this for a long moment. "That wasn't in the statement," he finally says warily. "I went through everything."

Erin bites her lip. "I - asked her to take it out," she admits. "I didn't…"

She can practically hear Jay's disappointment in the silence that ensues.

-o-o-

"Have you at least been talking to Kim?" he says finally.

She startles out of her daze. "What?" she manages.

"Or Natalie?" he presses. "Have you talked to anyone?"

"No," she whispers.

He takes that in slowly. "No one?" he says, voice thick. "Not Hank?"

"No," Erin says firmly. She needs him to know that it wasn't him, it was her - but she can't get the words out. "I didn't want to...it's not something I'm…"

"Have you been sleeping?" he asks, when she doesn't continue.

"What?" she says, her throat tightening.

"You - were you having nightmares? Or - you're never in bed when I wake up," he says, and she can hear him piecing things together.

She wishes she could look at him.

"I haven't been sleeping well," she says evasively.

"Why wouldn't you come to me?" he asks. "Why wouldn't you wake me up and - and, just, I was right there, Erin."

The agony in his voice pierces the cloud of numbness surrounding her, and she feels her eyes fill with tears. "I didn't want you to worry," she chokes out.

He doesn't reply. She chances a look at him, and wishes she hadn't - this time he can't control it, and his face is buried in his hands, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

Her stomach aches. She did this to him.

-o-o-

He cries for what feels like hours. Erin forces herself to sit there and listen, to endure it.

She wishes she could go to him, wishes she could comfort him. But he hasn't moved towards her, hasn't indicated in any way that he wants to touch her.

And so she sits and listens to his pain.

She deserves it.

Finally, he clears his throat. "Uh, have you been - have you been taking anything?"

She's tempted to deny it, but the way he asks it feels like he already knows. She finds herself nodding. "I'm sorry," she says emptily.

"Painkillers?" he asks desperately.

She could rationalize painkillers, at this point. The broken ribs, the lingering monster headaches, the way her wrist still aches when she points her gun. But she shakes her head. "Just Xanax."

" _Just_ Xanax?" he says incredulously.

"I - it helped," she stammers.

"What - where did you get it?"

She closes her eyes, steels herself. "One of my CIs."

The silence that follows is deadly. Erin's heart pounds.

"Instead of talking to me you bought benzos off the street," he says, almost to himself.

"I'm sorry," she manages.

He pushes himself off the floor, paces back and forth slowly. She can feel the energy building in him, and it scares her.

Suddenly, he plucks a glass off the kitchen counter and pitches it across the room. It shatters against the wall, and she can't help crying out.

"Shit," Jay gasps. "I'm sorry," he says. "Erin, I'm sorry."

He runs up to the couch and kneels in front of her. She flinches, curling herself into the corner.

It's an involuntary reflex, but Jay backs off immediately. "I'm sorry," he says again, devastated. "I'm-"

He shakes his head and keeps backing away, his boots crunching on broken glass. "I have to - I'm sorry, I have to-"

He yanks the front door open and stumbles out, leaving her alone.

-o-o-

After the door closes behind him, Erin rises on unsteady legs and walks into the bedroom, then the ensuite bathroom.

She crouches down over the toilet and throws up the contents of her stomach. She hasn't eaten since lunch yesterday, so it's mostly bile, but she continues dry heaving long after it's over.

Her hands are shaking violently, but she manages to open the drawer, manages to pull out the box of tampons. She's hidden a stash of Xanax in a plastic baggie inside, and she pulls out three pills, swallows them dry.

She curls up into a ball on the cold tile floor and closes her eyes.

-o-o-

"Erin! Oh, my God!"

She blinks her eyes open and groans at the stiffness in her back. Her head is pounding, her eyes crusty and swollen, and the floor beneath her is hard and unforgiving.

"Erin, can you hear me?"

"Why are you screaming?" she murmurs through a mouthful of cotton.

"God, you scared me!" Kim sighs, collapsing onto the ground beside her. "What are you - why are you sleeping on the floor?"

"What are you doing here?" Erin asks groggily. She rolls over onto her back. Ow.

"I-" Kim looks confused. Maybe a little freaked out. "You - Jay called me and asked me to check on you."

Erin doesn't know what to think about that. "Where is he?" she manages.

"I think he went to the gym," Kim says hesitantly. "He's fine, he just - he didn't want you to be alone."

She's tempted to snark that she doesn't need a babysitter, but Kim just might be the only friend she has left. And she's too tired and too scared and too drained anyway. "Is he coming home?" she whispers instead.

"Of course he is!" Kim says gently, smoothing Erin's hair away from her face.

"He was really angry," Erin manages. The tears leak out of the corners of her eyes, dripping on the tile.

"It's a lot to handle," Kim says. She leans against the bathtub, keeping her palm on Erin's forehead. It feels good. "He's just trying to figure out how to deal with everything."

"I'm so stupid," Erin chokes.

"No," Kim says, her fingers massaging Erin's temple. "Erin, you went through something terrible. None of this is your fault."

But it is, and she knows that.

-o-o-

Kim finally talks her out of the bathroom and into bed. It's literally been days since Erin has slept, and try as she might, she can't keep her eyes open.

When she wakes up, it's Jay sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her. The room is dark, and she can't see his face, but he's here.

That has to mean something.

"Hey," she says, her voice so scratchy it's barely intelligible.

He presses his palm to her cheek. She leans into it, closing her eyes again.

It's such a strange feeling, to be both averse to touch and craving it.

They stare at each other in the darkness. His eyes are still shining with tears.

"Erin," he starts, his thumb rubbing against her cheekbone. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have thrown that glass, or run out like that, or left you alone, or-"

"It's okay," she says. She tries to smile at him.

"It's not," he says. "I don't - I'm not sure what to do or say, and I…"

She braces herself. "I understand," she manages.

He sighs. "Erin, I'm not going anywhere," he says. He leans in further towards her. "I don't know how to get that through to you, but…"

He shakes his head, then presses his forehead to hers. "You are everything to me," he whispers. "And it's killing me - that you were hurt, and I haven't been able to help you."

"You have," she tries. It's hard to get the words out.

"I just want to be there for you," he says. "Please, Erin."

She looks at him, at his beautiful eyes, just inches from hers. She breathes in his scent, feels his fingers stroking her cheek.

"I'm afraid all the time," she admits, so quietly she isn't sure he'll be able to hear her.

He nods. She can feel him swallow a sob.

He lies down beside her and very slowly, carefully pulls her into his arms. She buries her face in his chest and clutches his sweatshirt.

Nothing feels resolved. But at least he's here.

-o-o-


	13. Chapter 13

Hi! I am so sorry for the epic delay on this! I had a bunch of work deadlines back to back, and then I just sort of fell off track. I'm really sorry! Things are SUPER busy right now, so I can't promise this will be updated soon - but I do have more story in mind, and I am hoping to get a new chapter up at least reasonably soon!

Again, I'm so sorry for the delay. Thank you all for your lovely reviews!

-o-o-

Erin passes out in his arms, but Jay can't sleep.

He feels nauseous and shaky and exhausted, but his eyes won't seem to close. The two hours he spent bashing the hell out of a heavy bag at Antonio's gym have drained away a little bit of the rage - but it's been replaced by a bone-deep pain, a sadness he hasn't felt since his mother died.

He doesn't know what to do with all the feelings. He's furious - at the team, at Voight, at Burgess, at Natalie, at the sick fuck who did this to her. And maybe a little bit at Erin herself, because how could she lie to him like this? How could she keep him in the dark and force him to watch her suffer, when he could have _done something_?

And she might say she trusts him - and maybe she even believes that - but the fact that she wouldn't tell him she'd been _raped_ means that she doesn't. Not entirely.

He thinks of a conversation in the break room, a few weeks after they'd broken up. _If I told you what Voight did for me, you wouldn't like it_ , she'd said with a shrug.

He feels like they've come so far since that moment, but clearly she's still shutting him out of all the bad stuff. Like he can't handle it.

She shifts in his arms, whimpering something unintelligible. He kisses her head, combing his fingers gently through her hair as she settles back down.

He looks at her face, peaceful in sleep. And he worries that maybe he _can't_ handle it.

Because the person he's angriest at is himself.

He's been begging her to talk to him for months. And when she finally, finally had, when she'd sat there on their couch and told him what that bastard had done to her, he'd sat on the other side of the room and cried like an infant. He'd yelled at her and he'd thrown a glass at the wall, and then he'd stormed out.

He doesn't think he'll ever forgive himself for that.

Her halting, agonized words are still echoing in his ears. _I tried not to scream, but it was hard._ He's never let himself think about what must have happened, but now he can't seem to stop.

Because now he can picture it - her, on the floor of that grimy, dark basement. Maddie screaming in the corner. That monster on top of her, holding her down, forcing himself into her.

She must have been so scared.

Erin whimpers again, her fist tightening around his T-shirt. He pulls her closer, burying his nose in her hair.

He has to be able to handle it. There's no other option.

-o-o-

Erin walks into the kitchen hesitantly. She's showered and dressed for work, and she looks much better than she had the day before.

He thinks, with the exception of one nightmare, that she had slept through the night.

So that's something.

He hands her a coffee mug. She smiles, but it's worried and uncomfortable.

"Voight called," he says. "We're on call, but he told the whole unit not to come in."

Erin's eyes widen. "What?" she says, looking panicked.

"He said - he felt like everyone could use some rest," Jay says. He's a little confused - not sure if the prospect of spending the day alone with him is what's upsetting her.

Erin nods rapidly, collapsing into a chair at the kitchen table.

"Is that okay?" Jay says uncertainly.

"Yeah," she says, her voice a little too high. She takes a gulp of her coffee. "Um - does everyone...know?"

Jay takes a hesitant step toward her. "I'm not sure," he says. "I think they might - suspect, at least."

Erin bites down hard on her lip. "Oh," she says. "Okay."

Shit.

"Um, I made omelettes," he says, retrieving the two plates from the counter and carrying them to the table. "I thought since - we have time."

She nods, not looking at him.

Things have never, ever been awkward between them. Not before they dated, not while they were broken up, never.

He hates this.

He sits down across from her, reaches for her hand. She startles, and he forces himself to not let go.

"I'm so sorry," he says.

She shakes her head. "It's not your fault," she says, avoiding eye contact.

"No," he says. "Yesterday - I did everything wrong, and I don't know how to make it up to you."

She nods, picking at her omelette. "It's a lot," she says. "I know that."

He swallows hard. She's so shut down, and he doesn't know how to get through. "I love you," he whispers. "I just want to be here."

She smiles, but still doesn't look at him. "I know," she says, squeezing his hand and pulling away. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? It's fine. It's gonna be fine."

Jay takes a bite of his omelette. He can barely taste it.

They sit in silence. She won't look at him.

-o-o-

"I'm gonna go for a run," Erin announces suddenly, pushing herself out of the chair. "Since we don't have to go in."

"Oh," Jay says.

He wants to stop her, wants to tell her that they should talk, but it feels futile when he can't figure out what to say.

"Do you want me to come?" he offers, trying to sound casual.

"No," she says. She's halfway to the bedroom, but she gives him a small smile over her shoulder. "I'm still getting back in shape. I'm really slow now. It's fine."

"Okay," he says, watching her disappear into the bedroom.

He rubs at the encroaching migraine. He has absolutely no idea what to do.

-o-o-

There's a knock on the door only a few minutes after she leaves, and for a hopeful second, he thinks she's come back, that she wants to talk, that she wants him to come with her.

It's hard to hide his disappointment when he sees his boss waiting in the hallway.

"She's not here," he says with a sigh, holding the door open anyway. "She went for a run."

Voight nods, ambling into the living room, hands shoved deep in the pockets of his leather jacket.

They stand in uncomfortable silence. Jay gestures towards the couch. "Do you - do you want some coffee?"

Voight shakes his head, takes a seat. "I'm good. How's she doing?"

Jay has no idea how to answer that question. He stares blankly at his boss, his throat thick with emotion. He blinks back the tears.

"How are you so calm?" Jay says instead, collapsing into the armchair. "She was - she -"

He still can't get the word out.

Voight's eyes are fixated on a photo Erin keeps in a frame near the TV. It's an old print of her and Voight, sitting on the deck behind his home. Voight looks much younger, much less haunted. Until a few months ago, he'd always thought the picture was evidence of how far Erin had come since those dark days.

But now all her eyes have that same traumatized, empty look as they did when she was a teenager.

"When Justin was killed," Voight says slowly. "I almost lost Erin too. In how I dealt with it. So this time…"

He sighs, hunching over, far away. "Erin won't open up till she's ready," Voight says, and Jay thinks he might be trying to convince himself. "All you can do in the meantime is try to be there."

"And if she destroys herself while I'm waiting for her to 'open up?'" Jay asks bitterly. "She didn't 'open up.' Maddie spilled her secret. If that hadn't happened, she never would have told me."

Voight shrugs. "All you can do is be there," he says gently, like he's talking to a small child. "Erin grew up in a world where she couldn't trust anyone, where asking for help would get her in trouble."

"But it's not like that now!" Jay says, frustration boiling over. "She trusts me! She's always trusted me."

"It's not about you," Voight says. "She's not doing it to hurt you."

"She said she was protecting me," Jay bites.

"Probably thought she was," Voight says thoughtfully. "Look, Jay, I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to you, but Erin didn't grow up like you did. She grew up afraid all the time, and she learned a different set of rules."

Jay crosses his arms, sinks further into the chair. He feels like a petulant little kid, but for some reason he can't help it - Erin's the one who was hurt, and he's the one having a temper tantrum.

"She didn't lie to you to hurt you," Voight says. "Gotta grow up, Halstead."

Jay keeps his arms wrapped around himself, trying not to cry. Voight doesn't say anything as he hugs himself tightly, trying - and failing - to pull himself together.

-o-o-

"How long have you known?" Jay asks, when he finally feels able to breathe again.

Voight takes his time answering. "Since it happened," he admits.

It's a punch in the stomach. "You've - the whole time?" Jay manages. "Did she - she told you?"

"No," Voight says. "I just knew."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Jay says incredulously.

"Wouldn't have done any good to push her," Voight says with a shrug. "I knew when she was ready to talk about it she would."

Jay stares at him, mouth gaping like a fish. "She's been...you let her _work_. You let her in the field when she - she could have been - she could have…"

He trails off, unable to voice it.

"I've been watching her," Voight says defensively. "I thought it would be good for her. I thought being back to work would help her get back to normal."

Jay swallows hard. He can't argue with that, because the truth is, the only time Erin had felt like _Erin_ to him since it happened had been when she was engrossed in a case.

He wants so badly to scream. To punch someone, to rail and yell and lose his mind at the fucking _unfairness_ of the whole goddamn situation. He wants to curl up in a ball on the floor and cry.

He wants his mom.

"I don't know how to help her," he whispers. "She's a mess. She's not sleeping, she's barely eating." He buries his face in his hands. "She thinks I'm gonna leave her."

He expects Voight to reassure him, to promise him that Erin doesn't really think that. Instead, Voight says, "Why don't you go for a walk?"

Jay freezes. "What?"

"Get some air," his boss suggests. "Go grab some coffee with Antonio or your brother. Take a break."

The idea makes Jay panic. "I'm not - no. I'm not leaving her. She's gonna get back and - I need to-"

"Halstead," Voight says firmly. "Go clear your head. Let me talk to her."

Jay doesn't know what to do. He can't tell his boss that he's already left her, that he walked out last night, that if he's not here when she gets back, she's gonna think…

But then...maybe she doesn't want him here when she gets back. At this point, he has no idea.

His hands are shaking as he pulls his coat off the hook, as he slips his keys into his pocket.

He waits for the elevator instead of walking down the two flights of stairs. It takes forever.

He's never felt this alone before.

-o-o-

He enters the hospital through the front door, bypassing the emergency department. He doesn't want to run into his brother, or Natalie - or anyone, really.

He takes the elevator to the fourth floor, his limbs numb as he makes his way along the corridor.

The door is half open. He's working up the courage to knock, to go in, when Dr. Charles looks up from his paperwork.

"Detective Halstead," he says cheerfully. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Jay takes a hesitant step forward, still hovering in the doorway. His heart is pounding so hard it's all he can hear. "Um, I just…" He swallows hard. His tongue tastes like sandpaper. "I just wanted to...um…"

Dr. Charles waits him out. "Um, Erin," Jay manages. He shakes his head, his eyes filling with tears. "Erin, she was, uh - she was raped."

It's the first time he's said it out loud, and he immediately feels the urge to vomit. He hunches over, hands on his knees, trying to breathe.

Dr. Charles comes around the desk and wraps an arm around him, guiding him carefully to the couch. He kicks the door closed, then sits down beside him.

He feels a brief stab of guilt for sharing Erin's private business with the doctor. Erin wouldn't want him to know, Jay knows that.

But it's just another thing on a long list, and Jay doesn't know where else to go.

"She's, um...she's not doing that great," he forces himself to say. "She's having a lot of - of trouble, I guess, and I'm here because I, uh - I don't know how to help her, and I just...I want to be able to help her. So...yeah."

Dr. Charles doesn't say anything. Finally, Jay manages to look up, to meet his eyes. "How are you doing, Jay?" he asks gently.

"It's not - Erin's the one who was hurt," Jay says. "I'm not - I just - it's not about me. I just need to be able to help her, and I'm not - doing a very good job of that, so…"

He's greeted again with silence.

Jay shifts uncomfortably on the couch. This was a bad idea. He shouldn't have come here. He should have stayed home, should have told Voight to fuck off and stayed home with Erin.

"Jay," Dr. Charles says, his voice soothing and hypnotic. "How are _you_ feeling?"

Suddenly there are tears tracking down his cheeks. He chokes down a sob. He can literally feel his entire body unraveling.

"How do you think I'm doing?" he gasps. "My - my girlfriend was _raped_. My girlfriend was raped, and I - I'm such a - I can't even - she was attacked, and I can't - I can't…"

He can't breathe, can't get the words entire world seems to be collapsing around him.

Dr. Charles sits beside him while he cries.

-o-o-

Erin's sitting on the couch when he walks in, alone, staring into space. She doesn't seem to hear him come in, and he freezes in the doorway, afraid to scare her.

Afraid of whatever dark place she might be trapped in.

"Hey," he says gently, taking a hesitant step toward her.

She turns to look at him, face a mask. "Hi," she whispers.

He cautiously takes a seat on the couch beside her. Close, but not too close.

"Voight leave?" he asks.

She nods. "He, uh - he's not gonna put it in the report. In my file. So - hopefully it won't come out."

"That's good," he says, not totally understanding.

"Yeah," she breathes. "I just - if the job got taken away, I just...I couldn't…"

"It's not going to be," he reassures. He still doesn't get it, doesn't understand the words she's using - _taken away?_ \- but he doesn't push it.

She nods. He isn't sure she believes him.

"I, uh-" he starts. He's certain this will make her angry, but he doesn't want to lie to her, doesn't want more secrets between them. "I went to talk to Dr. Charles."

She stares at him, wide-eyed. "That's great, Jay," she finally whispers, eyes filling with tears. She manages a watery smile.

He's so shocked by her response that all he can do is stare. He's even more surprised when she quietly, hesitantly asks, "Did it help?"

She looks almost hopeful.

"It was really hard," he admits. "But...maybe it did." He shrugs. "I made an appointment. To go back."

"That's really good," she whispers. "I'm so glad you're doing that."

He's so relieved to hear her say that.

"I, um," she says, voice thin. "I'm really sorry, but I - I can't do that."

His heart pounds. "What?" he manages.

"Talk to someone?" she says. "I really - I'm glad that you are. I know how hard this is, and I'm so - I just want for you to be okay, and I'm so happy to that you have someone to talk to." She squeezes her eyes shut. "But I just want you to - I can't do that, I can't talk about it. Okay?"

"Hey," he says gently, waiting until she turns to look at him. "You don't have to. You don't ever have to talk about it if that's what you want."

He hears Voight's words, hears Dr. Charles. _She'll come to him when she's ready_.

"I just need you to know," he says. "You once told me that if I needed help carrying my burdens, all I had to do was ask."

She bites her lip in a way he knows means she's fighting back tears.

"I'm here," he says, wishing he could hug her. Wishing he could offer her more. "For anything. Whatever you need."

She smiles at him and nods, turning away before he can see the tears slide down her cheeks.

-o-o-

"I, uh - there is one thing we do have to talk about," Jay says reluctantly. They've been sitting in comfortable silence for a while now, and he does _not_ want to bring this up, but-

"The Xanax," Erin whispers.

"Yeah," he says.

"Thank you," she says. "For not telling Voight."

"Of course," he says, a little sad that she even thinks he would. "You're my partner."

She nods, avoiding his eyes. "It's been helping," she says.

He's not sure he agrees, because if anything, it feels like Erin's been getting worse. But he doesn't want to challenge her.

"That's good," he says. "But...you can't keep taking Xanax you bought on the street."

She looks lost. "I trust this guy," she says, a little desperately. "It's been fine."

Part of him wants to shake her, because what she's saying is so ludicrous, so far from the Erin he knows that he's having trouble believing they're the same person.

He doesn't want to treat her like a child, doesn't want to take away her control or make decisions for her, but - "You still can't," he says tentatively. "It's dangerous."

She looks panicked. "I need it."

"Have you taken Xanax before?" he tries.

They've never spoken about her drug use. He knows - sort of - that it's happened. Knows she used as a teenager, knows that she was likely high when he confronted her outside that club during her...hiatus.

But he's never asked about it, and she's never volunteered any information.

She shrugs, eyes shifting side to side.

"This really scares me," he says, before he can stop himself. "Erin, when you were in the hospital, you wouldn't take anything stronger than Tylenol."

"This is different," she says, still not looking at him. "And it's just temporary."

Jay watches her avoid his eyes. It's a behavior he recognizes, and it's terrifying.

"If Voight finds out that you're taking prescription pills you bought off the street..." he says, his voice shaking.

"It's temporary," she repeats. "I have it under control."

It takes everything he has not to argue this point. "Please," he begs. "This guy - he took so much from you, Erin." She winces, but he keeps going. "Don't let him take your career too."

"Jay," she says, finally turning to look at him. "I'm not dependent on the Xanax. I promise, okay? It's just helping me right now, and I need to keep taking it until things settle down a little."

He blinks past the tears, then gives in. "Could you get a real prescription for them?" he asks. "Please."

She shakes her head, confused. "I don't want to talk to anyone-"

"You don't have to," he says. "Just - I'm sure Dr. Charles will write you a prescription if you ask."

She thinks about this for so long that Jay can hardly breathe. He's certain she's going to say no, and he has no idea what to do with that.

Finally, she says. "Okay."

"Okay?" he manages.

She shrugs. "If that's - yeah, okay."

He pulls her against his chest and hugs her, the relief overwhelming.

Maybe she's still in there somewhere.

-o-o-


End file.
